023 – Navigating the Holidays with Emotionally Intense Kids – With Jami Kirkbride

Anouk:

Welcome to the podcast. Today, we will talk about parenting intense kids during the holiday, which can be pretty challenging. It can also apply to any moment in a year when we have unpredictable schedule, lots of people, lots of noise, tired kids. You get the idea. To do that, we will have guest Jamie Kirkbride. And Jamie is, the perfect guest for that, I would say, with lots of experience, with a warm experience in professional counseling and the wisdom gained from raising 7 wonderful children. Jamie works as a dedicated parent coach, speaker, and author. She offers valuable insights and practical guidance to empower those in the unique journey of parenting.

Anouk:

Founder of Parenting with Personality and creator of the Calm Connection parent coaching program, she equips parents with the tools and strategies they need to foster meaningful connections. She understands the struggle this can be when dealing with children who may be highly sensitive, emotionally intense, or exhibiting challenging behavior. As a regularly featured guest on Channel Mom Radio. Her relatable stories and humorous anecdotes bring laughter and inspiration to listeners, making parenting an enjoyable and fulfilling adventure. Twain Jamie on this incredible journey and discover a world where connection, laughter, and growth, a bond, even in a bustling household with big emotion and unique challenges. I'm sure lots of you can relate to that description option of parenting. So let's welcome Jamie. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents.

Anouk:

Together, we'll find solution and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on other days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Do you read all the thing, listen to all the things, take all the courses? And, you know, a whole lot of things about parenting, but you struggle to actually apply them in your real life, then you're in luck. I just started the Parenting the Intensity community, which is a, monthly group support for parents of emotionally intense kids. And the goal is exactly that, to take all the information you learn from the podcast and from all the other sources and adapt them so that a work for your child and your family, your reality. Because things can work, but not always the same way for everybody. The same thing might need to be adapted to work for you.

Anouk:

And sometimes it's it's hard to sort through everything to choose the right things that so that you can really enjoy your life and your kids, not always being afraid of the next outburst. You can join by clicking on the link, in the show notes or on the website.

Anouk:

Welcome, Jamie. I'm glad to have you over on the podcast.

Jami:

Thank you. I am So glad to be here, Anouk. Thanks for having me.

Anouk:

So can you tell us a little bit of what you do and why you do what you do?

Jami:

Sure. You know, I have my background in licensed professional counseling, but I realized as I started working with people that what I really wanted to do is to help support parents in a lot of their day to day struggles and even some of the routine things. And honestly, Through our own journey in parenting. I'm a mom of 7. And we learned that sometimes there just isn't A lot of support when you are raising a child who is highly emotional, intense, exhibiting those challenging behaviors. And I know Through our own journey, we struggled to find resources and support. And I think that's what kind of helped me pivot in my business To where I started parent coaching, parents who are raising children experience some of these things.

Anouk:

Yeah. Yeah. It's true that we we are kinda lost because the information is not as easy to find as the general parenting advice that we we everywhere on social media and the vlogging.

Jami:

That's right. And a lot of times, these are issues that are harder for parents to bring up. Yeah. It's hard to talk about intense emotions being shown in your home, or maybe the challenging behaviors feel a little bit embarrassing. Or Yeah. Or maybe you're harshly judged it's lack of parenting or bad parenting. And so it's hard to speak about what you need when you face others' harsh criticism. Yeah.

Jami:

And what parents really need to know is that so many of these behaviors and intense emotions have Something behind them. Yeah. And it's just kind of figuring that out and how to work with that unique wiring.

Anouk:

Yeah. Definitely. And so we are talking today, specifically about that during the holidays because it can be a very intense time of the year. We choose, like the the episode will be released in December because lots of parts in the world and lots of people our celebrating something in December or the months around that. But it can apply to basically any part of the year when we have disrupted schedule, lots of people, food, and family. Triggers. Right? Yeah. There are so many triggers there.

Anouk:

So how would you suggest to adapt or deal with the situation when your child will react? Because school or day care is over for a few weeks for a few days, and they're you're gonna maybe go out go elsewhere or people are gonna come to your house, and there's gonna be a lot of disruption. And for emotionally intense kids, often, it's triggering, and they will react intensely. So how do you suggest to nuance that for them maybe or navigate it as a parent?

Jami:

That is a great question, Anouk. Because I think one of the things we need to do as parents is come into these situations being informed and really understanding. And I think that that's Truly the foundation of working with our children in the routine and especially when we approach these seasons, Holidays that have the extra. And so first of all, I would just encourage parents to really understand your child's unique wiring. And that was one of the things that that kind of facilitated my creation of this, behind the behaviors guide because so many times, Parents struggle to get on the same page. Mhmm. And when parents can get on the same page, that creates a little more structure and support In the child's home. But oftentimes, when you're talking holidays, we're reaching beyond that to sometimes extended family Or friends.

Jami:

And sometimes those people don't understand our child's needs.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And so I think sometimes as we're heading into the holidays, We may need to do some extra adjusting. And it may be adjusting in ways that we talk about our child's needs with the people we're going to be with. Mhmm. It may be sitting down with our child, and I like to call it having a family huddle. And in your huddle, kind of like sports teams have little huddles that make a plan, you make a plan for what you want your holiday season to be like. You know, what kind of things are important to you? Are there concerns that your child has? Are there things that maybe they're kind of dreading or don't want to do? Are there things that feel hard to do during the holidays? And when we can get a clear picture of the things that may come easy for them Or the things they perceive as struggles, we can better make adjustments on what we do.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And then sometimes we have to scale back our plan yes. We're not tackling an overwhelming schedule or activities with a child who tends to just Be a little more responsive or reactive to that busyness.

Anouk:

Yeah. And it's so easy during the holidays to wanna carry on with all the traditions that we we're raised in or that we used to do, and it might not fit our family anymore.

Jami:

Yeah. And, you know, sometimes a new I think we have to let go of what we might feel is ideal.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

Because if we try to enforce the ideal for some of these kids, they honestly aren't able to do that. They're not capable. It's not a matter of them not wanting to. They may not have the brain chemistry or the wiring or the self control, impulsivity control, whatever it might be, to control that. And so they may be doing their very, very best, and it may still look really, really tough.

Anouk:

Yeah. And I think that's such an important thing that you're bringing up because often we feel that they're not trying, but they're trying so hard and often much harder than other kids. For other kids, it's just not that hard to comply. I but for them be

Jami:

trying 10 times

Anouk:

as

Jami:

hard and still not seeing a result even close to what their peers are.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Jami:

And and it it is just It's discouraging to them. It's upsetting to them. But a lot of times, they aren't gonna articulate that. They may not even know how to articulate that, But they may act out because of that frustration.

Anouk:

Yeah. They don't realize. Like, they don't know that they're working twice as hard or 10 times as hard as other kids. They have no idea because even us as parents, we don't really realize that. But I can tell, like, my youngest is exhausted after 3 hours of preschool. Exhausted. It took her everything, And she still gets reports that she's not collaborating. She's not listening.

Anouk:

She's not that it takes her everything to do it to the level that she till guest report that she's not doing like the other ones. You know? But I know she's doing it as much as you as she can, but it's so exhausting to her. Like so it's taking her a lot. And I think a lot of our kids, we don't see how much they're working hard to behave, and it still look like they're not.

Jami:

Right. And, you know, so much of that can even relate to Things like sensory overload. Yeah. You know? I I think I've mentioned this in just visiting with you, but I didn't understand Sensory processing. You know, we have 7 kids, but honestly, for so many of our kids, we didn't need to know about sensory processing until all of a sudden, One of our kids was really struggling with behaviors and emotions. And only because an occupational therapist educated me on sensory processing Did I realize that nearly every one of his 8 sensory systems was struggling? The way he was hearing

Anouk:

things. The

Jami:

way he was feeling things, the way he was smelling things, the way he could orient his body in space or the way you know, He he finally got to a place where he was able to articulate to us that he felt like he was always going to fall down. Oh, no. His balance was so off. Oh. And if his feet ever left the ground, if the sibling was playing with him, wrestling with him, whatever, he just panicked. But he wouldn't panic and say, oh my gosh. I think I might fall down. No.

Jami:

He would get angry, and he would fight. And so the smallest of Touches to him that he didn't expect sent off this threat system that he needed to protect himself. And it was Only through understanding sensory processing that we could make the adjustments in our family, in our relationships, and how we communicated with him even down to how we ate our meals. Mealtime was horribly hard for him. Yeah. Especially at holidays. Why? Because there's tons of people.

Anouk:

Yes.

Jami:

It's a menu that they aren't used to. It's

Anouk:

not loud.

Jami:

It's loud. People are making lots of noises, including chewing noises. Yes. They're sitting next to people on both sides.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Jami:

And they notice the smells of everybody. You know? Mhmm. Everybody's gussied up for the day and smelling good. But to these kids, It is just more and more overwhelmed. And so his system becomes overloaded. And as a result, he tends to kind of just erupt at moments you would least expected. And so it may be in the middle of family meal even on a holiday or in the middle of what you thought he might enjoy, like an Easter egg hunt, that all of a Sudden. It looks like he's just being a misbehaving child when the truth is his system is in the red, And he needs a break.

Jami:

You know? So I think one of the things that we learned was just how important it was to schedule in Those little breaks.

Anouk:

Yeah. That's a very good tip. Yeah.

Jami:

Away from that. You know? If you know you're gonna be sitting down for family meal And it's gonna be loud and there's gonna be a new venue that he's not used to. Maybe beforehand, you walk away and you take a little walk. You know, our occupational therapist even recommended having a little mini tramp and letting him jump for 3 to 5 minutes before a meal because it was like a A brain reset.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Jami:

And it could help kind of prep his brain for those parts of the day that might be hard. So if we're doing a holiday at home, We would send him off. You know, why don't you go jump on your little mini trap for a few minutes, and in about 5 minutes, we're gonna eat?

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

You know? Those might be little ways that we build in those little breaks.

Anouk:

Yeah, I think that's a very good tip, especially during the holidays because no matter the reason why a child is only intense in general. They will be more triggered by any overload of any sensitive thing. And we had an OTA over on the podcast a few episodes ago, so I'll reference people to that. But I think this is one part. Like, no matter the profile that they have, there's something that will overload their sensory system more easily than other kids. And it cannot like, it's not necessarily all the senses like it is for your son, but it can be 1 or 2 senses, and sometimes it's

Jami:

Right.

Anouk:

Just enough to tip them over the line.

Jami:

And I think what some people don't realize is that you can have a child who struggles with sensory processing even if they don't have Another diagnosis.

Anouk:

True. Yeah.

Jami:

And so it can be contributing to high emotions or challenging behaviors Even if you say, well, but they don't have ADHD or they're not autistic. You know, I think people used to kind of associate those sensory issues more with Autism. Yes. We've learned, and thankfully, we've learned and expanded our knowledge of them to know that you can struggle with sensory processing and not have another diagnosis.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And so if we take the time to really kind of I I encourage my coaching clients to trace back When behaviors or emotions become intense. Mhmm. And, usually, what we think is the trigger is about 3 steps Later than what really was. Yes. And so if you think of it more like a spiral, kind of follow back. Okay. What happened before that? And then What happened before that, even down to for our child, we learned that it wasn't when he erupted at his sibling that that there had been a trigger. But it was when he came in the kitchen and would ask a question about what the meal was, That was kind of our cue that anxiety was getting high.

Jami:

And if he answered with short words like fine. Okay. He may be giving us the answer we wanted, but if his his communication became abbreviated, that became the better judge for us Of when he was starting down that road to dysregulation.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And if you can deal with it, then you can oftentimes Avoid what comes after that, which is usually much louder or much uglier.

Anouk:

And almost impossible to get out of other than just riding the wave and waiting for it to be over for you.

Jami:

Exactly, Anouk. And exactly. And so that is one of the things that I would encourage parents to do even Heading into the holidays. In those days prior, the next couple weeks, watch your child become a student of them.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Jami:

What do they do when they're starting to say I'm not okay? Because they're not gonna use the words, I don't really like that Or that seems too hard, but they're gonna show you in some way. Yes. Picking up those little signals because it's much easier To stop it before it's the runaway train.

Anouk:

Definitely. And it's so easy. And the holiday, I think, is especially easy because there's so many unexpected things that even if you are used to those things that, like, and pinpoint where the kids are going overload in your everyday life. Even for us as parents in the holiday, it's not that easy because we don't have the same framework to see our kids go, and we are more distracted. We are busy in a different way. And we are a p to c family that we see once or twice a year maybe, and it's harder for us to put our child needs first and be able to anticipate what's gonna happen also.

Jami:

Glad you used that word unexpected because, honestly, We have learned that the unexpected is our son's biggest trigger. Yeah. And I would encourage other Parents to entertain that same idea. And if you look at their days, if you look at especially holidays, they're loaded with unexpected. Yeah. Where are we gonna be? How long are we gonna be there? What are we gonna do when we're there? What are people gonna be saying when we're there? What if I'm ready to leave and we can't leave? What are we gonna eat when we're there? Is there gonna be anything I like? Mhmm. What if there's nothing to do? As much of those things that we can talk about in that family huddle that I mentioned.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

The better picture we can paint for what the holiday is gonna look like.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And when we can turn the unexpected Into something they can start to picture, it will feel more manageable.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Jami:

And we can start to see their responses as we talk through the day. The minute we talk about traveling somewhere, our son's anxiety builds. Yeah. And so we had to figure out ways that from the start, we could communicate What he could do before loading up in the car, maybe that was eating a snack that helps, you know, oftentimes, crunchy chips or sour foods. Those are kind of resetting for

Anouk:

the rain. Yeah.

Jami:

Yeah. Sometimes taking snacks in the car, sometimes taking something of high interest in the car, Also having some of those sensory tools available in the car. Putty, you know, that they could pull and stretch and kinda take out some of those frustrations. Those became one of our best tools of travel. And so, you know, figuring out, can you build in sensory tools that make their day feel easier?

Anouk:

Mhmm. And the idea of sensory tool also is that it doesn't hurt anybody. You can use those with any kids, any adults. It's helpful for everyone. It's you don't necessarily have to be overly sensitive or have any diagnosis for them to be useful. Like, I it it's helpful for me even if I don't have any Yeah. Like, I we

Jami:

have the putty.

Anouk:

We have kinetic stand at home, and I love playing with that. And I I used to fall asleep when I was doing all day training on the, like, on the computer. Like, I would have trouble staying awake, but when I play with that, it keeps me awake. So it it's helpful for everybody. We can do it for all of all the children together because it's just fun for everyone.

Jami:

We just ended up making a calm kit is what we called ours. And we would put a calm kit in the car. We would have a calm kit in the living room. They had a calm kit in their backpack for school. And so that calm kit in the car would have several different sensory tools in it that anybody in the car could use. And sometimes parents say, I couldn't get them to play with the putty. That's fine because sometimes their sensitivity is that they don't want to feel different. They don't want to feel weird or they don't want to have the attention on them.

Jamie:

So oftentimes, if we pull the tool out and we start using it, Within a few minutes, you could say, oh, here. It's your turn and hand it back, and their resistance is much lower. Yeah. Or if you say, You know, to a sibling, how about you use it for 10 minutes, and then we'll share it? Yeah. And then after those 10 minutes, guess what? The sibling is oftentimes ready to use it then Because their sibling has to be finished for them to get a churn. You know, these are some some tricks to kind of help us build in These sensory tools or these little breaks. You know? They're they're in in a sense, a sensory tool is kind of a brain break. It kind of gives your brain something it needs Too calm or in some cases, alert.

Jami:

You know, some of our kiddos' brains are are so kind of flat lined that we have to do something that alerts their brain. Mhmm. Much like the crunchy chips are are more alerting. The sour candy is more alerting. And so it might be a matter of finding which tools are most effective for your child. And that's why we have our little calm kits that have kind of a variety. Mhmm. And then people can just pick and choose what it is that they want and pass it around the car, And they can be carried inside should they need to just kinda sneak off to another room, have some alone time, but feel like they need something That they can do while they're Mhmm.

Jami:

They're there. You know? So you don't wanna make it feel like it's a time out. But just, you know, hey. It's okay. Anytime today that you need a break And you're needing to get away from just the noise and the people. You can either come and ask me or just go ahead and take a break. I'll set these right over here in the corner. Mhmm.

Jami:

You know, help yourself or come get me, and I'll help you find a spot where I can sit with you or you can just take a break by yourself. But helping them know it is okay to do what your body needs.

Anouk:

Yeah. And I like, I love using time in instead of time out it's the time. It can be in because you're together or it's just inside of yourself because it's time out as that negative association for kids. But taking ourself in time outs to some extent. It's just good. It's just removing ourself from the situation. And it applies to parents too because we always talk about that. The parents need to be regulated.

Anouk:

And we I know when I'm having visit over, I will get this regulated way easier because I I I deal with too many things. And there's too much noise, and there's too many people in my house. I'm definitely an introvert, and that's a lot for me to deal with. And so I will have a lot more trouble dealing with my kids' dysregulation when I am sleep related. So if I can just pull out taking a walk with 1 person for a few minutes, that will help me calm down. You know?

Jami:

That's right.

Anouk:

You know, helpful.

Jami:

That's right. And I think, you know, self care is such a key here. Self care is so important. And I think So many parents are afraid to take time for self care because it kind of could feel selfish. It's not selfish. You know essential. It's essential to helping us be better parents.

Anouk:

Yep. And so

Jami:

I think especially going into the holidays, We have an even bigger responsibility to do self care so that we can help parent our child well through those times. And I like to tell parents that I coach with, it models for our children

Anouk:

Yeah.

Jami:

How they can take care of themselves. And we want them to learn that. You know, that's part of them learning self control is what does my body need? We call it in our house being a good boss of your body. And when you're a good boss of your everybody wants to be the boss. Right? So so put them as a good boss of their body. If your brain is Saying I'm worn out, the good boss of your body takes a break. Mhmm. You may say, I'm gonna take myself out of this mess for a little bit and just Have some quiet time.

Jami:

It may say, you know what? That sibling is frustrating me. I think I need to take a break from them. It may say, you know what? That food bothers me. I don't even want it on my plate. But it's okay to ask for what you need. And sometimes they can't ask for it if they aren't okay with Feeling that it's overwhelming to begin with. And so I I think it's really important that we do the self care And teach the self care.

Anouk:

Definitely. Yeah. And, like, the example you were giving, and I think food is a good example. And one of my child always as headphone on for noise canceling because it's too much. And having music really helps calm down and concentrate. And those elements like the food they don't want in their plates or elements that can be for example, headphones in a family gathering can be seen as very disrespect disrespectful for some people. How would you suggest parents handle those? And you you you touched on on it a little, like, explaining. But do you have any more tips? All parents can explain or make reluctant family members or friends I understand that the headphones need to stay on, and it doesn't it doesn't mean disrespect.

Anouk:

And the food cannot go into play, and it's not a disrespect things to do. You know? It's often it's seen as that.

Jami:

Right. You know, that is a great question, Anouk. And I have had so many parents, even in my In my coaching program, say, I don't even know how to bring this up with my parents.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

But it's constantly creating an issue when they say you can't do this or it's rude that you do that. And that, again, that was one of the reasons that I created this guide because I feel like it's so important that people understand The way our kids' brains work and especially when they do have unique wiring. If you have a child who's dealing with executive function challenges, The emotional control, the time management, understanding consequences. If you have a child who's struggling with the sensory stuff that we've talked about, anxiety, depression, ADHD. Any of those behaviors, you kind of need to prep these people when you're going into their space In order to make it easier on your child. And it can be uncomfortable, but I encourage you to share the information. And sometimes it helps when it's Not necessarily coming from you, but from an outside source. Yes.

Jami:

And so that was one of the reasons when I created this resource. I thought I wanna have something that people could just Hand to other people that could either open the door to further communication or could at least help a parent feel as though Some of that heavy lifting has been done.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And so this resource kind of explains when you have a child that is maybe ADHD, these might be things that you see Or hear or experience when you're around them. And these are some tips on how you can work well with them. Mhmm. And these are some tips on how you might work with them in the school setting and or in a home setting or in the community setting. So for holiday, you could highlight in a home setting. Like at mealtime, this is what you might see. And then in the resource, I actually created a letter, A letter that a parent could even print and share with other family members that have that impact in their child's life so that This letter kind of invites them into offering understanding and support.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And I think it opens the door nicely. It also for some parents, they may just say, I I can't even discuss it. I I know

Anouk:

it won't go well. Yeah. It's too loaded sometimes.

Jami:

That. Yeah. Sometimes you just have to know your limits

Anouk:

Yeah.

Jami:

And know that this isn't a conversation that can happen. And so I think being willing to communicate ahead of time. But I also think in the moment, being willing to kind of run that interference. And if you see that somebody in that setting is kind of bristling towards your child Or a behavior that they see. Just reassure your child. You know what? You've got this. You're fine. And if you can kind of go with them and get them settled where they need to be.

Jami:

You can choose if you want to say more to that other person or if you wanna let it be. And if you wanna say something, it may be as simple as saying, you know what? We've learned a lot about my child and how their brain is wired. And I just want you to know that the things we do for them Hard to support them. Mhmm. And I know it doesn't always make sense, but it would just mean a lot if you could just trust that.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And that may be more than some people want to In a case, you may just say, you know what? This is what he needs

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And be done there. No matter which way you choose, it is okay. Mhmm. It is okay to understand that what your child needs to function that day is priority over others' judgment, Over others' criticism, over others' perspectives on your parenting.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Jami:

To know your child I I love this quote. The loudest way to love your child is to see him, hear him, and understand him.

Anouk:

Mhmm, loving it. Yeah. I love

Jami:

that because I think it puts together the pieces so well, especially When you're dealing with a child who's uniquely wired, sometimes we may be the only person that really understands so.

Anouk:

Mhmm. Often.

Jami:

And yeah. And the reality is not everybody in every environment is going to understand. No. And if you feel like you want to put the energy into preparing those extended family or friends to understand, There's resources and tools for that. If you feel like you just wanna say, here, you're welcome to look at this if you're interested, they may or may not do that. And if you choose to say, We're just gonna do what we choose to do. That is okay. Mhmm.

Anouk:

Yeah. And it's also one of the hardest part is to just stick with, you know what you should be doing for your child, what the child needs. But but then the judgment that comes with it often, it makes it hard and makes it that we have a harder time to keep doing it because we might cave more easily when we have outside judgment, clearly stating that we're not doing the right thing because they don't know and they don't understand. And it's a permission to keep doing it. And often parents are doubting. They don't they're not even sure they're doing the right thing. So when people critique, it's even harder to believe yourself you're doing the right thing when you're not sure, and other people are are judging and saying that you're not, and they are convinced that you're not.

Jami:

That's right. You know, Anouk, I love my parents. I have great parents. They are supportive parents. And I will admit, and they would that in the beginning of figuring out our son's issues, they didn't get it. Mhmm. They thought he need just needed more discipline. They thought we weren't being enough within.

Jami:

They thought we weren't parenting him, you know, in unison. Only after I took the risk of really communicating some of our struggles And the differences that we were seeing with him, did they start becoming more open minded to the point where I could start Educating him

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

And them on this is what we're feeling. This is what we're seeing, and this is what we need from you. And they have become some of the most supportive even though originally, they were a bit critical of what we were doing. And they would even admit now, we were so wrong. This is what we thought, and we're so glad that you shared this information with us Mhmm. We need to change our responses or our approach. Mhmm. And when they did that and when they saw us change our approach, They learned from us, and then they would implement those things, that understanding.

Jami:

And if it meant him sitting up at the bar while everybody else Set at the table for a holiday

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Jami:

They were okay with it because they

Anouk:

they learn to understand.

Jami:

Yeah. Yeah. So sometimes it is a risk. It can be worth it. Mhmm.

Anouk:

I I

Jami:

can't wish I could guarantee it.

Anouk:

Yeah. Wish yeah. No. It really depends on the family, sadly.

Jami:

It does.

Anouk:

But yeah. And I think I find it really interesting that even with 7 kids, they would still doubt that you're not doing the right thing with that one.

Jami:

I did. Because let me tell you, Anoop, 6 other kids could sit at the table. Exactly. Other kids could finish everything on their plate.

Anouk:

They would still doubt that You were their problem. Even if with 6 other kids, it wasn't working well.

Jami:

I mean study group was failing me.

Anouk:

Upsetting. That's that I think that's very telling that it it's so obvious that if you were able to if those 6 the kids are doing well. Clearly, you're not their problem. There's something else going on.

Jami:

As a mom, that's where we start Doubting ourselves. You know? I can't tell you how how, you know, I was in the deep, dark doldrums of I have lost all my mojo. I must not know what I'm doing. I must be lost in this. I I can't parent right anymore. And, You know, if I, as a mom of 7, and as a mental health professional, questioned myself that much, I want you to understand, Can. If you are a parent who is questioning yourself, I understand why. Yeah.

Jami:

And even with the degrees and the education and the experience, You may still question yourself. So, you know, trust your gut. Do the best you can to learn, understand, Just educate those around you. And in the end, you can really only control what you do. Yeah. And, you know, those extended people at those Holiday gatherings may or may not understand, but you can be the stable and the security That your child needs that day to get through it.

Anouk:

True. Love it. Is there anything we didn't touch on that you will like to talk about? Or of we we touched on the main points, I think.

Jamie:

We've covered on so much, and there's so much more we could unfold.

Anouk:

Oh, that's for sure.

Jami:

This brief. We probably better. Better keep it at that.

Anouk:

We will add you over another time, I'm sure, because there's so many things we could talk about.

Jami:

Oh, good.

Anouk:

So is there any resource that you would like to share with the community?

Jamie:

Absolutely. Well, there's a couple resources besides the one of my that I mentioned that have been really helpful for me. One of those is Brain Body Parenting, and it's a book by Mona Delahueck. Good. So eye opening for me in figuring out what is all this behavior and emotion about, and it really helped me Just reshape some of my parenting strategies and approaches. And so I would highly recommend that. Also, Sensory processing 101 by Dana Abraham. And it was really good because it really helped to break down from a parent's perspective All of these different sensory processing systems.

Jami:

But she wrote the book with an occupational therapist, so you get both the parent And the professional perspective. And that book was really eye opening for me. And then also the resource that I talked about earlier, and that's the behind the behaviors, understanding a uniquely wired child. And it's a 14 page guide That just provides those things we talked about, you know, the tips and the strategies and the letter. If you just wanna print a letter and invite people, just be some more supportive and understanding, Danny, as well as if you visit parenting with personality.com, on the website, I have a chaos to calm cheat sheet. So if you just want something quick and fast, it gives a whole bunch of different ideas for calming as well as just a couple mindset that can be really important in keeping your calm when your child isn't. So it just kind of helps you get through some of what I like To refer to as those emotional storms.

Anouk:

Yes. Yes. Love that. Thank you so much. So I it was very fun to have you here today.

Jami:

And fun to be here. I would love to connect with you, Anouk. Are you on Instagram too, Anouk?

Anouk:

Yes. Yes. I'm on Instagram. I'll I have the the podcast as an Instagram, so the parenting, the intensity account.

Jami:

Very, very good. And I am on both Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest as parenting with personality. Great.

Anouk:

Everything. You can have

Jami:

with anyone there as well. And and, seriously, for any listener that wants to just Send off an email. I love to connect with people and brainstorm and figure out ways that we can put together the pieces of your child's puzzle. Because I know it doesn't affect just the child. It affects the whole family.

Anouk:

Definitely. Yeah. For sure. So thank you very much. Happy holidays.

Jami:

You bet. You too. And thanks so much for having me, Anoop.

Anouk:

Thank you.

Anouk:

I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes at Solette's Day drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at family moments dot ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath. Keep going. We're all in this together.