Hi, I'm Anouk!
Like you, my experience of parenthood has not been a smooth one.
During my older children's younger years, I so often felt overwhelmed, like I would never get my head above water and constantly doubted my skills as a mom.
I tried everything but nothings was working. I looked like I had it all together from the outside, but I was struggeling daily with my kids intense emotional reactions!
Does that feeling resonate?
It took a while before I felt I had some sort of control over it all. But I've managed to do it, or at least I now have the resources to get us back on track more quickly when things get out of hand.
And I truly believe that sharing our story with other parents normalizes the more difficult times, gives hope and allows us to feel less alons when nobody seams to get it! So I'm sharing (a summary of) mine with you.
Doing all the right thing...but nothing ever seam to work! I also know that feeling too well...
When my second was born, I didn't stop working long enough. I was self-employed, from home, and had planned to take 3 weeks off and gradually start again since I could work with her (yes, superwoman syndrome here, thought I could do everything). But it didn't work out that way: "emergency" at work at 2 weeks postpartum = 20 hours of work with a newborn and a 2yo very intense kid almost full time at home.
It took me 6 months to recover. Did I have postpartum depression or parental burnout? I'll never really know, but I wouldn't do it again and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. My partner was home 6 weeks out of 8 that summer and I felt like I was alone because I was so tired. And it wasn't because he wasn't involved, he was!
When my two oldest children were 2 and 4, I went back to school to get my Masters in Social Work. Soon after, we decided we wanted our third child. I got pregnant 6 months later and miscarried in July while visiting my in-laws. I got pregnant again 2 months later. In December we lost her too.
At the time I was a full time graduate student, working, volunteering in several organizations and at university, struggling with multiple food intolerances and both of our children were homeschooling after a year of school and daycare that left a bitter taste because they were not able to support them the way emotionally intense kids need to be. I wanted to do it all and be the perfect mom who had everything under control (and from the outside it may have looked that way).
But on the inside, not at all! The two miscarriages were the last straw, I was physically and emotionally exhausted trying to apply parenting tips and tricks that were not made for my kids. I was no longer able to perform my basic mommy duties. I reached the lowest point in my parenting, I had no tolerance or patience for anything. I blamed my children for their behavior when I was the one who couldn't set the boundaries and support them like they needed to. But I didn't know how!
One night I left for the hotel. I don't remember what I said, but my daughter, 3 years old at the time, still remembers it and thought I wouldn't come back, poor thing. I'm not proud of that time obviously, but that moment was a turning point.
I didn't even leave for 24 hours, but I had to leave, refocus on myself... I knitted, went to the pool and got a massage. I came back calmer, just as exhausted, but I was through the worst part. I went back up the hill slowly after that.
Does that mean it was all over? No, absolutely not, it was just a milestone, not the solution to everything. And it hasn't been linear since, there have been many ups and downs.
I took a step back and simplified my life: my commitments and the people around me, I slowly learned to say no, to choose to get involved in what I really liked, what brought positivity to my life, I learned to put myself first (at least a little). I closed my Facebook account and stopped watching the news. Resumed (almost) daily yoga.
I slowly changed my expectations of what parenting was and what was suppost to work with my kids. Being the mother I was trying to be, and parenting my kids the way they "should be" parent was not workin, unrealistic and definitely not positive for my children or myself.
We don't fail in our parenting
We are failing in our expectations of parenthood
It's very different!
We made some new positive life plans (travel, marriage) which were ways for me to take back control of my life; I like to plan. We put our baby trials on hold for a while. I gave away all the baby clothes I was keeping, cleaned the house and took out bags and bags of miscellaneous items ( Konmari method ring a bell?). The mess in the house was impacting my mood on a level I didn't realize, emptying out so many items was liberating.
I realized that it's not the time of presence that counts (although it does count), because time without intentional presence is useless, time if we are tired, lose patience frequently, shout or are not really attentive to our children, to what they are doing, to who they are, is not useful.
I had tried to keep us in the box of some postivie parenting approche that was just not working for my kids because it's what I thought was "the way" to parent.
So I've stopped looking at everything there is out there about parenting and started looking at my kids instead.
Focusing on them, who they were, what they liked what their needs were. It hasn't been easy because I get distracted by so many things on a daily basis and I easily fall back into the same behaviors. Trying new things even if it looked weird or even sometimes absurd from what I knew about parenting.
Sound familiar?
And today...
It was when I got back into photography that I realized I was finally getting it right.
For me it was an essential tool that allowed me to practice mindfulness in a concrete and practical way.
But more importantly to focus even more on what was important: Family relationships and the unique personality of each of my children.
Instead of sitting on a bench in the park and watching my children from afar, I stay close to them, participate and take an interest in what they are doing by taking pictures, I don't think about anything other than what is in front of me.
Same at home, often, instead of going to wash dishes or fold laundry, I stay around them to document the activity they are doing.
I interrupt an activity to take a picture of something they're interacting with, something they're proud of, rather than just looking up from dinner (or my cell phone), saying, "Mmm, that's beautiful," and diving back in.
To have several angles, to have time to document, I discuss what they do, what they share with me. I am interested in them.
It created many more opportunities for positive interactions that were not there enough because I was focused on what was not working.
And at the same time, it's something I do for myself, it's a pleasure to use my camera to document our life. So it's a hobby for me, a way to take care of myself that I can do WHILE being more present with my kids! Win win!
Taking care of ourselves is not selfish, it's the only way we can take care of our children.
Be available for them in the midst of their intense emotions.
Being intentionally present, aligning my parenting with my real kids needs and living in line with my values is my parenting goal, my parenting approach. It is my way of being the best version of myself for my children. It might not fit with any parenting approche but it's what works for us.
It's my way of giving them the space and support they need to develop in their own way.
Do I do it all the time? Absolutely not, I'm human! I have often fallen back on unrealistic expectations and I still often make too many commitments or loose patience. And doing it all the time is not possible in our daily lives anyway. But I try to do it as often as possible. And it has become much easier and more natural with time.
And the change has been slow and winding. But looking back, I can say that now, especially with my 3rd child, I am much more confident in the decisions I make. I almost never look things about "general" parenting anymore (they don't work anyway). I very rarely feel overwhelmed by my kids intense emotional needs and when I do, I realize it way faster and can stop myself and calm down.
I also doubt myself much less. When I look at the mom I was to my older 2, who are now teenagers, and the mom I am now to my 4 year old, they are 2 different moms. With the same basic values, but now I know how to adapte my values and all the parenting things I know to our reality and to my children needs that are *slightly* different from the "norm".
I could blame myself today for the way I acted back then. But to my surprise, I don't. I can clearly see that I did the best I could back then with the resources and knowledge I had. If I had known what I know today, would I have made different decisions? I certainly would! But I didn't know, so there's no point in beating myself up about it. But I know that the me of 10 years ago would have blamed herself. The me of 5 years ago would have been mad at me too.
My mission is to support parents of intensely emotional kids (like mine) for whom nothing in the “general parenting advice” seems to work.
Together, we'll uncover what’s going on with your child and find solutions and ideas that work for YOU and YOUR kid(s) so things go more smoothly, you can quit feeling like you are failing at parenting in constant fear of the next outburst and feel confident in trying different things that fit your kids' needs better.
You deserve to be understood and supported along your pareting journey
Yes you can continue to read all the books, yes you can get all the free resources online, yes you can have all the conversations with your friends
But is that what you really need right now? Yes it's possible to do it all on your own, but If you're done trying all by yourself and feeling stuck and would like more targeted support, I'd like to help you get to your destination faster and support you as you build your confidence as the parent of an emotionally intense child with the specific challenges that includes.
Enjoy your children and family again now, without fear of the next outburst.
Are you ready?
Would you like a little more information about who I am? You can learn more about my journey to parenting true to my values and my approach as an entrepreneur.
Also heard, seen or read in those places...
Free resource
Feel confident next time you go out in public with your emotionally intense child
This tool will allow you to- Feel more confident and in control of the situation next time you go out the door with your emotionally intense child
- Make sure everyone is in the best state possible before going out
- Know what to take with you to be prepared for anything that could happen
- Have some easy and practical tips to apply once you're there, divided by places you go
- And last, but definitely not least, deal with the judgment that you’ll get if(when) things don’t go perfectly as planned…as that will still happen, let’s be realistic 😉.
Just for fun!
SCARVES
I have a passion for scarves, it's not uncommon for me to be in sandals with a scarf... probably floral! It's the last warm accessory I take off in spring and the first one I put back on in autumn...which is my favourite season with it's colourful leaves, wool sweaters and hot tea!
CAREER
I did not have a linear career. In college I almost became a professional photographer, but in the end I went into community management after my B.A. I went back to my Masters in Social Work a few years later to focus on the transition to parenthood with the first child, worked as social worker for a few years... to come back to photography through my children and finally join everything together by starting a business supporting parents... and that's just a summary haha!
TV SERIES AND PODCASTS
I don't watch much TV, but when I do it's often the same shows on repeat! My favorites for years have been Friends, Big Bang Theory, Castle and How I met your mother (yes, I have a soft spot for light American shows!). I'm also a fan of podcasts, especially on entrepreneurship, parenting and photography and I listen to tons of them! Do you know any good ones? I want to know!