040 – Self Care Adapted to Your Needs

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Anouk:
Welcome to the podcast. Today, I'm switching seats. I was a guest on Linda Sanderville, summit last fall, the Joy Reclaim Summit. Linda was also my first guest over on the podcast. And I, will share with you today the recording of my interview with her over on Earth Summit, where I talked about self care for parents so emotionally against kids because I'm guessing if you're here, you might know that is a big part of what we need to do to be able to, parent our kids. And, yeah. So it's all about how to do self care, how to make it realistic and fitted for our needs. So let's I'll let you enjoy that interview with the amazing, that the amazing Linda did with me.

Anouk:
Welcome to parenting the intensity Where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on our other days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Do you read all the things, listen to all the things, take all the courses, and you know a lot of things about parenting, but you struggle to actually apply them in your real life? Then you're in luck. I just started the Parenting the Intensity community, which is a monthly group support for parents of emotionally intense kids. And the goal is exactly that, to take all the information you learn from the podcast and from all the other sources and adapt them so that it works for your child and your family, your reality. Because things can work, but not always the same way for everybody.

Anouk:
So the same thing might need to be adapted to work for you. And sometimes it's hard to sort through everything to choose the right things that so that you can really enjoy your life and your kids. Not always being afraid of the next outburst. You can join by clicking on the link in the show notes or on the website.

Linda Sanderville:
Hello, and welcome to the Joy Reclaimed Summit. I'm Linda Sanderbell, your host, and I'm here with Anouk Godbout, who is a mentor for parents with kids who have special needs or emotional intensity. And she's here to share with you about how to reclaim your joy as you parent your beloved kiddos. Welcome, Anouk.

Anouk:
And thank you for having me.

Linda Sanderville:
Absolutely. So glad to have you here. So could you share a little bit about the work that you do with parents and and especially what got you into doing the specialized kind of work?

Anouk:
Yeah. So I, right now, support parents of emotionally intense kids mostly, which is a broad term that not a specialized term, but it in like, it's include all kind of kids that can have different needs, neurodivergent kids. So kids with ADHD or autism or learning disability or things like that. It can also be the kids with mental health, like anxiety or, kids with trauma. So there's really different possibilities for kids to be emotionally intense. And so my the reason why I went that to that public is because I have 3 of those kids. Mhmm. And my I didn't got diagnosis for my kids before their teen like, the older ones were teens.

Anouk:
So I had to basically parent without knowing what was happening. So I didn't wanted to go to one specific thing. And, also, they have diagnosis of different things. Mhmm. And so I find that often we have we have, like, support for ADHD or support for anxiety or and there's not more englobeying support, if you will. Yeah. Like, something that's more taking everything into account. And, also because I've worked a lot with, family with kids with special needs, really different special needs.

Anouk:
Back when I was in the in this public system, I worked at a hospital and the adaptation center for for children. And, I find that no matter the needs the needs of the family like, no matter the special needs of the kids, the needs of the family are generally similar. Like, the journey is similar. The the way the way they they go through grieving for what they expected parenting would be is kind of similar. And so yeah. I I love, in general, working with family of kids with special needs, but, that that narrowing with emotionally intense kids is coming from a merge of my professional and personal experience.

Linda Sanderville:
Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm I'm curious about how you as a a mother balance self care and finding ways to connect to your own personal joy with the realities of the needs of your family. Right? And and and I'm also curious about how you then help others to find ways to do that too. I think there's such a challenge with that. I think it's difficult to parent in our modern society without even having an emotionally intense child. So I'm just curious. What does that look like? And and and how would you how would you describe that?

Anouk:
I would say for me, it was a journey. Like when my older I have 2 teens and a preschooler, so I have like 2 extremes. And when my 2 older ones were really little, I was not doing self care at all. Like, I don't know. I was trying to focus on them all the time, and I was trying to do all the things, you know, like be in the parents' association and be volunteering left and right. At some point, I was in 5 on 5 board of different nonprofits, kids related. Then I was doing a mass my master's degree, and I was, working part time. And, like, it I I was trying to be, like, the perfect mom, you know, which, like, society puts us to be like, we should be able to do all things.

Anouk:
But, like, it was it was not working. It was not doing anything really well, especially it being a mom. And I think that's also part of the process when you have kids that are a bit different. And I didn't know back then because it was my only experience as a mother. I babysat a lot of kids, but my kids were not different enough to for me to realize I I was parenting kids that were not normal. The only thing I can say is that my 2 older ones are total deposits. Like, things that I found what helped with 1 were making things worst with the other one. So I learned quite fast because they're, like, 2 years and 3 3 months apart that I needed to parent them differently.

Linda Sanderville:
Yeah.

Anouk:
So most of what I I've done is coming from there, basically. But I learned that we cannot parent different kids the same way because they need different things. Yeah. And so in that process, I also learned because I had no choice. At some point, I was I I have, like, a chronic illness, and I was sick all the time. And I had to take care of my health, so I started mostly with yoga at first, doing yoga. And I try to do a few minutes a day at least. I'm not perfect at all.

Anouk:
And I've jumped, and sometimes I haven't done for months. But I'm trying because I really see the difference. Yeah. And I would say, like, what helped me? Like, I do that. And I've I've I also I for me, one of the big thing was photography. Like, I started doing photography as a hobby, but for me was I use it like a mind mindfulness tool. Yeah. It really helps me focus on in the moment because I don't take photography like snapshots or things like that or, like, selfies or I I really take like, I follow my kids.

Anouk:
It's like the documentary approach. So I follow my kids and I look at what they're doing, and it's making me more present with them by doing that. But it's also something I do because I love it. Yeah. So that was like a way because my kids were demanding time and energy. So I didn't add the time to do things out of my parenting.

Linda Sanderville:
And I

Anouk:
was feeling really guilty to have them, like, because, for example, when I was doing my masters, at some point, I had courses 3 evening a week. And so I had 2 of them. Like, my husband or my parents were having the kids. So I was not seeing them as much as I would have wanted to. So I didn't want to take time away from them. And, like, we all have our level of tolerance in that. And it's just personal for me, but I was not feeling comfortable doing self care away from them. So I kinda learned to do self care with my kids around, basically.

Anouk:
Like, right now, my daughter waits for me to finish my yoga routine, and she does savasana with me. Like, she comes and she lays on me, my youngest. And so, like, it's it's things like that that made it possible that I was doing self care while they were around with them, basically. Because otherwise, it wasn't as not possible for me to do self care in the setting we were in. My like, we own school for 2 years, for example. And so during those years, if I was not doing something for work or for school, I was with my kids. So there was no time, nowhere in my schedule for, like, going to the spa. Like, I mean, I think we we as as a society see self care as something so complicated.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Mhmm. Like going to a spa for a weekend. Like, I'm I've never do done that in 15 years of parenting. Honestly. It's just not not happening. You know? So if it's if that's self care, I'm not doing it. It's it's not but I don't think that's self like, self care is so much more than that those things like doing mask or having your nails done.

Anouk:
Like, yes, those can be self care, but there's other things Mhmm. That all like, and when I work with parents that struggle, often I will say, like, can you, like, take one sip of your coffee, tea, or hot chocolate or no matter warm, just one, before you put it down and do take care of your kids. So at least one sip was not reeaten in the microwave 10 times something. If you can just do that and take a deep breath and appreciate that sip, you're doing self care. Yeah. Like and if you can do something like that and just appreciate what you're doing right now and take a deep breath 10 times a day, then you've done 10 seconds of self care in your day, and it's better than Anouk at all. Yeah. So, like, it's starting with small small small small small things and then slowly building up.

Anouk:
Next time, maybe you can take 2 or 3 sip of your coffee or or tea before you you know? And some days, it's not gonna happen. Someday, you're gonna not do self care at all. But some days, you'll be able to do a 20 minute yoga routine. And someday you might be able to do 45. Yeah. And it's gonna be a party. I mean and some days you are just gonna, like, fall down once, go up, and it's gonna be that for the day. I mean, it's really like, it needs to be realistic in our in our day to day life Yeah.

Anouk:
And be integrated with our life. That's something we do out of our life. I think that's that's the thing. And, like, for example, dance party in the kitchen. Like, I it's one of my favorite thing to do with the kids. Like, it's easy and it everybody has fun and they're doing self care at the same time without even realizing it. And so I think those are things that we can do. Like, for example, my my daughter, my youngest, like, takes deep breath for like, to calm down when she's, like, super excited.

Anouk:
Day care told her that once her old day care, like, super great. And then she does it when so when she does it, I do it too. It's like I do it with her. And when she doesn't do it, I I help her and I do it at the same time. So I do it too. You know? So it's also doing breath work at the same so it's

Linda Sanderville:
Right.

Anouk:
Those little thing that at the end of the day, if you do a few like, it they it builds up on on the like, at some point. You know? Yeah. And, like, having one earbuds while you're walking with the stroller is also a very easy one. You put music or a podcast you wanna listen to or anything. We could call a friend and, you know, it's like just doing those little things that can be helpful in your life, not out of your life. Mhmm. I think that's, like, the nuance I was I would say that makes it doable.

Linda Sanderville:
Right. Yeah. I love that you gave these examples, and thank you for giving so many different things for people to think about. Like, okay. Oh, yeah. There are those moments. Oh, yeah. There there's that moment too.

Linda Sanderville:
Right? Like, it's something that you can incorporate. And to me, it just sounds like it's a way of validating those small moments of, you know, centering or mindfulness as opposed to seeing them as less than or not as good as the weekend away at the spa with a a group of girlfriends. Right? And some people can do that. And if you can and that that fills you up. Yeah. That's wonderful. Right? Yeah. But I

Anouk:
would say, like, for me, doing that, even if it was once a month, would not be enough. Uh-huh. Exactly. If you have kids that are really, like, demanding for any reasons, it's daily self care that

Linda Sanderville:
we need.

Anouk:
It's not once a month self care or once a week self care. It's, like, ongoing because we need to stay regulated much more. Like, I often say, if you have an emotionally enhanced kids, your fight or flight response is often triggered

Linda Sanderville:
Yeah.

Anouk:
In your relationship with your child. So and that will happen for any parents. But the more challenging the kids, the more that will happen often. And so, like, the the the thing I ate the most and I like, it was driving me crazy when my kids were younger is you see everywhere, like, don't yell at your kids. But I ate that thing. It's just don't yell. That that's not helpful. Because if you're yelling, there's yeah.

Anouk:
What how do I not do it? That's why I and I I at some point, there was a trend on Pinterest that you put an elastic on your wrist and you you you you use it each time you're that's just bad advice. I mean, you could try it. If it works for you, I'm I'm glad for you, but it never worked for me. Like, for me, that's just, like, making me were feeling worse is not gonna help me feel better for my kid. Like, I don't I never wrap my head around that. So Right. It's it's, like, by doing those those self care, those things that can be regulating our nervous system, that then we can stop yelling. Because I'm I'm totally a recovering yeller.

Anouk:
Like and I will still do it sometimes. But when my older ones were little, I was doing much more because I was out of control. I was tired. I was overwhelmed. And so it was way more difficult for me to just not do it. I I was not in a state myself not to do it. So once you take care of yourself, now you can stop yelling. Now you can stay calm.

Anouk:
But just saying to someone, just stay calm. Like Yeah. It's pointless. It's

Linda Sanderville:
so unhelpful.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Linda Sanderville:
No. And you're and you're still right. You need those regular times. That's what I I love about the the examples that you gave because you need multiple moments of self care a day. It's not, oh, let's just get by on one one time a week. It's you need it daily. You need it multiple times a day, but it doesn't have to be this, like, extravagant thing where you have to, like, carve out some special situation. No.

Anouk:
Right? Get up at 4 in the morning to do 2 hours of something. Like, I did that at some point in my life. I wake up at 5 because I had to be at work super early. And so but right now, I can't.

Linda Sanderville:
Right.

Anouk:
I just lie about, like, my alarm still rings at 5 and I'm I'm 6 and I'm just sleeping in. So, like, it's not happening.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Anouk:
At some point in my life, I was able to, and some people can do that, but I now I can't. So it's just adapting to where we are in life, you know, and making it realistic to to take care of ourself in those settings because it's not, yeah, it's not something that we can just do once in a in a week. It's not like it for for some in some reality, yeah, it might work. But when you have more and if if it's not like, I've worked with kids with special needs and really varied. In some moments, the kids is not that demanding necessarily. But the situation the parents are in can be very demanding. If you're waiting for a diagnosis with, like, bad news or things like that or the kids has, like, physical health and their life is threatened, like, you need to do that so so much to be able to face those situation. You know? So, yeah, it's like doing it just a little bit throughout the day will help regulate ourself more than doing it once a month, which is not, like, mutually exclusive, of course.

Anouk:
We can't do that. But

Linda Sanderville:
Right. Right. But definitely not giving up the the little moments, little consistent moments. Mhmm.

Anouk:
And at the same time, someday we give up and it's okay too. We can always go back. Like, it's nothing is the same everyday. Like, sometimes we just fall off the the horse and we just have to go back at some point.

Linda Sanderville:
Yeah. Like, with anything. Right? Like, that's just kind of embracing good enough and in any area of life. And certainly when it comes to parenting or or the way that you're doing your self care or practicing your self love, it's doesn't have to be like this rigid perfection or some rigid idea, like, according to what someone else does for their well-being because our situations are unique.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. And I I'm I'm like, I'm And, like, it's a guide to help make it realistic and apply what I'm talking to today. But I also put in a list of ideas if people just don't know what to do. But I purposefully say, like, it's a way too long list. Like, you're not supposed to do them all. You're supposed to choose what works for you.

Anouk:
And I did like it's a 2 page, like, 50 idea just to make sure nobody would think ever that they have to do that all because it's not the goal of that list. The goal is just to give ideas if you don't know where to start because I sometimes we just don't know. So I I true that. Like, I asked lots of people, and I true that everything that we could think of. But I I asked in Facebook groups of parents, like, what do you do as self care? And, like, I put everything in there just so there's so many ideas that people don't think they have to do that. Because sometimes we, like, go, like, go on Pinterest and ask for self care. You're gonna get a list of things you're supposed to do. Like, it's most likely what you're gonna end up with which is not helpful.

Anouk:
Right. Because it doesn't necessarily fill you. Like, don't ask me to take a bath. I'm just gonna get out of the bath mad. Like, I hate taking bath. A relaxing bath is not my in my vocabulary. Like, it's not happening. I the last time I took a bat was to was I was giving birth to have contractions, like, past, and it was for my 13 year old.

Anouk:
So I haven't taken the

Linda Sanderville:
bath for

Anouk:
15 years. Don't ask me to take a bath. I ate baths. So, like, if you put that on the list of things I'm supposed to be doing for self care, it's not self care for me. Yeah. But it can be self care for someone Intense, making a bat with a book and music, and and that's perfect. The thing is we need to find what's self care for us. Yes.

Anouk:
And sometimes as parents, we've forgotten. Yeah. We don't know anymore because we've lost ourselves, especially with kids that can be more challenging Mhmm. And that requires lots of energy. We can lost what we love doing. Mhmm. What brings you joy? So it's finding that back. And that's why sometimes it's like, what did I use to learn to love? What did I Right.

Anouk:
What and sometimes things we will use to love, we won't love anymore. And that's okay too. We have evolved. But Right. It's finding those things back that are really important.

Linda Sanderville:
Right.

Anouk:
So yeah. Yeah. It's I think that's that's the thing too. It's like, what what brings me joy now in my new reality? That's what's important.

Linda Sanderville:
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for that. I I love the way that there's this parallel between, you know, finding ways to parent your specific child. Right? So and parenting your children differently because they may both have special needs, but just be very different in terms of what they need from you. So you're parenting them differently according to, like, their unique makeup. And then also the way that we take care of ourselves. We're taking care of ourselves according to our unique makeup.

Anouk:
So Yeah. Yeah.

Linda Sanderville:
It's the same Right? It's the same kind of Yeah. Like a parallel process. So I know lots of parents are gonna feel very seen by you and what you're saying because I I just it feels like such a breath of fresh air the way that you're talking about this and sharing about how to do this practically. So, can you please share with them where they can find you online, how you work with parents? Like, what do you offer that they could they might be interested in?

Anouk:
Yeah. My website is family moments dotca. Mhmm. I have one on one support. I have also, like, self paced courses that workshop that parents can do on their own. I normally, all my self paced have video, audio, and written versions, so they're accessible to most people. Mhmm. And, I also have a membership coming up in November also, the group membership, because I really believe in group support and, like, getting out of isolation as parents, especially when you have, like, parents Emotionally Intense kids.

Anouk:
Often, it's like you don't talk about it because you feel you're the parent you're the one who's not doing the right thing.

Linda Sanderville:
Mhmm.

Anouk:
And it's your fault. So you don't talk about it. And so it's really isolating. So I'm I wanna have a group setting where people can realize they're not alone at all. Lots of us are struggling through that. And so yeah. And I also have a podcast called parenting the intensity, where I I I talk about all things, the reality of having intense kids. Yes.

Linda Sanderville:
Yes. Okay. So, make sure you check out those links below and, of course, the freebie that Anouk was talking about earlier about the self care, like, practical self care practices that you can access. That link will also be below. So be sure to go follow her and find the podcast and give it a listen and check out that group program. And, Nick, thank you so much. Are there any, final words of encouragement or inspiration that you have for our listeners today?

Anouk:
I would say, like, one thing I I I generally love is the fact that, just to think of the expectation that we put ourself as on ourself as parents, and most of those expectation come from society. Often when we parent, we parent we wanna parent and reach those expectation, but they are not realistic. And so we're not failing at our parenting. We're just failing at the unrealistic expectation we have at at parenting. Like, it and so it's just reframing that and that sometimes some days, we will reach some of those maybe, but most of the days, we won't. And it's okay. Like, we we do what we can with the way we are that day and what we have, the energy we have, the resources we have, and the support we have. And any day we do our best any day in the situation we're in.

Anouk:
And sometimes our best is crap, and that's okay too. Right. That's that's that's reality. You know? Right.

Linda Sanderville:
Alright.

Anouk:
So, yeah, I would say that is just checking our expectation of

Linda Sanderville:
what parenting

Anouk:
should be, makes it more enjoyable to be your parent when we reframe those expectation. We can more enjoy the moment with our family when we don't expect Yeah. This is parenting. You know?

Linda Sanderville:
Yeah. Absolutely. Expectations are often what get us no matter what the relationship or situation we're talking about. So if we can release that, like you're saying, there there is so much more joy that we can access. So much more joy

Anouk:
that's not easy. Yeah. It's not easy to change that. It's Yeah. Super, like, ingrained in us by our upbringing, by our society. But it's it's not like it's simple to say. It's not simple to do.

Linda Sanderville:
Sure.

Anouk:
But it's it's very helpful when we are able to.

Linda Sanderville:
Yeah. Yeah. Anouk, thank you so much for coming on here. I know that there's gonna be a lot of folks who are here who who really relate to what you're saying, so I'm so grateful for you sharing your experience and your knowledge.

Anouk:
Thank you for having me. It was a pleasure chatting with you, and I hope it was helpful.

Linda Sanderville:
Yes. Well, thank you all for joining us for the special conversation. I hope that you feel encouraged. I feel a bit more realistic with your expectations. But, above all, please go forth and reclaim your joy.

Anouk:
I am so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes at Soon as Day Drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments. Ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep Briere. Keep going. We're all in this together.