028- Single Parenting Intense Kids with Dr Gila

Anouk:
Welcome to the podcast. Today, we'll talk about how to handle challenging behaviors and situation, with our kids with a twist for single parents, or when we are alone. It applies also, even if we're not single parents. And we also are gonna talk about self care because it's so much part of it. And to do that, we are welcoming doctor Guila Reques. Doctor Gila rhymes with tequila. I use the pronouns she, her. And she's a certified parents coach and owner of Connection Based Parenting.

She's also a psychologist and neuropsychologist, and most importantly, a single mom. She helps parent handle hard stuff with clarity, confidence, and connection, and helps them build strong, healthy relationship with their kids and themselves. As a single mom herself, She has a special interest in supporting other single parents. Her motto is, even if you're on your own, you don't have to do it alone. So let's welcome doctor Kila. Welcome to parenting the intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solution and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need, but you need a little encouragement to keep going on other days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids.

Anouk:
Do you read all the things, listen to all the things, take all the courses, and you know all of things about parenting, but you struggle to actually apply them in your real life, then you're in luck. I just started the Parenting the Intensity community, which is a, monthly group support for parents of emotionally intense kids. And the goal is to exactly that, to take all the information you learn from the podcast and from all the other sources, and adapt them so that It worked for your child and your family, your reality. Because things can work, but not always the same way for everybody. So the same thing might need to be adapted to work for you. And sometimes it's hard to sort through everything to choose the right things that so that you can really enjoy your life and your kids, not always being afraid of the next outburst. You can join by clicking on the link, in the show notes or on the website. Hi.

Anouk:
Welcome Gila, very happy to have you on.

Gila Reckess:
Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. Thank you.

Anouk:
So can you introduce yourself and explain why you do what you do? It's always great to know the background a little bit.

Gila Reckess:
Sure. Yeah. So, first of all, I go by doctor Guila, and it rhymes with tequila. I can it's a helpful way to remember it. I, you know, I started out as a psychologist and a neuropsychologist, and I still am. I have a private practice in New York state. But, even with all of that fancy training, I found it really challenging to Handle some of the struggles that came up. I'm a single parent of a kid who you might call strong willed or Intense Tense emotions or, you know, all these different terms.

Gila Reckess:
I don't love labels, but, you get the gist. And so, and he's also a kid that had some challenges thrown his way by life. And so, you know, we, I did a lot of work. I Sort of dove in and did a lot of work to really figure out how to parent him the way that he needs. And I'm not saying my work is It is always a work in progress. But, you know, in that process, I really discovered a passion To support other parents through this process as well. I have a special interest in supporting single parents. I think that there's some, You know, particular unique challenges that Anouk up, although I do support any kind of any kind of parent.

Gila Reckess:
And what I do is I I try to help parents Handle all the hard stuff because there's always hard stuff.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
And I also help them build strong relationships not only with their kids But also with themselves. And I think that that piece is, often overlooked, and

Anouk:
it is

Gila Reckess:
so important. Right? I mean, in some ways, it's That's the first piece. That's the core. When we can ground into our own Strengths and understand our own challenges and triggers, that's when we can really show up for our kids in a way that is Meaningful and healthy and productive. So, so that's what I do.

Anouk:
Great. So, the goal of Like, the main subject today was to address the fact that, it's different to deal with intense kids when you're alone with them. And so Single parents have a lot more experience than those who are not, single parents, but it appends to all of us to be alone with our kids sometimes for a few hours, few days, few weeks, months even, depending on the family situation. So that's what we wanna address today because there's some things we can deal with when we're 2 adults that are not the same when we're only 1 adult.

Gila Reckess:
It's so true. And, you know, this really is one of the biggest challenges, As I think of single parenting, or parenting on your own, whether that's because you're a single parent or otherwise, Right. When you don't have someone to tag in. Yeah. It's really hard. And it's hard, 1st of all, in terms of, like, what do you do? How do you handle it? And it's also internally hard. It can be really It can feel lonely, and it can feel, some of that self pity might come up, and, Fears can come up and all these, things that can snowball easily, and, it's a challenge. It's a challenge.

Gila Reckess:
And So my first message is that that is understandable. Right? Mhmm. It makes sense. This is hard, and it's Understandably hard, and it's not because you're not a good parent. It's not because you're Not enough. Right? It's not because you're not good enough. It's because this is challenging. This is hard.

Gila Reckess:
And And that's understandable, and that's okay. And the other piece, another sort of, like, big picture theme here is that You do not have to be perfect. Right? Like, whether you're a single parent or not, one of my main messages is perfection is never the goal.

Anouk:
Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
And I like to remind parents that it's for two reasons. So, 1, it's not realistic. No one is perfect. We are humans. We are parents. We are parenting in a broken system. Right? I mean, parenting wasn't meant to be done with 1 adult in the house, it's just not you know, it's, again, understandably challenging. Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
But the other piece is that, I think it's actually not Desirable to be perfect, and the reason I say that is because, our kids are also not perfect. That they're going to struggle. And so if you, quote, unquote, make a mistake, if you do think something that you regret, if you handle something in a way that you wish you hadn't, That is an opportunity, and it's a beautiful opportunity to model and really show your kids that, first of It's normal to have a hard time sometimes. It's not just them. Right? It's not they're not having a hard time because there's something wrong with them. It's because this is what happens. We're human, and it's a chance to model how to recover from that. So so 1 piece of it is is not just how do you handle it in the moment, but how do you handle it afterwards if in the moment you didn't handle it as well as you would have liked?

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
So that's just like a little, teaser. We don't have to go too much into that, but just to have it in your mind that if you don't handle it exactly, Quote, unquote right, whatever that means. Mhmm. But that's okay. Right? Yeah. That's okay.

Anouk:
Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
So in terms of, you know, when you don't have someone to tag in, I think there are 2 pieces to talk about. 1 is The prevention piece, and one is what do you do when you haven't been able to do some of that prevention? And And by prevention, I mean, a couple of things. So one, I have this analogy that I like That, we all have this sort of metaphorical sink inside of us. And when the sink is really full, A few more drops of water are gonna make it overflow, and that overflow is dysregulation. So that's when we have a really hard time Controlling our behavior and our response or the way that we're showing our emotions. When your sink is more empty, you can handle the same drops of water and even more drops of water. Right? A gush of water, you might be able to handle it. And so, one of the things that can fill your sink super quickly is someone else's sink overflowing into it.

Gila Reckess:
And that's often what happens when our kids are having a really hard time. Their sink is overflowing. And ours. That's why And and and if we're nearby, right, and it's our kid and we love them and care about them and it triggers us in lots of ways and, you know, It becomes even more important for us to do that preventative proactive work on our own sinks Mhmm. To make sure that we have space to take on some of that water when it overflows from their sink.

Anouk:
Yeah. I love that image. Regulation

Gila Reckess:
Yes.

Anouk:
Yeah. So that we have, like, space to take the water that flows off of the sink that our kids have when when they're overflowing. That of that. It it really is a great image to to see that, like, the receiving effect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
And so it really highlights how important it is to, first of all, to learn to recognize when our sync is getting full so that we can start to intervene before the sync is all the way at the top. Because let me tell you, I don't know. I don't care how amazing you are at meditation or deep breathing or whatever. It is so much harder To, keep a full sync from overflowing with a few more drops

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
Than it is to keep a half full sync from getting all the way to Right?

Anouk:
Oh, yes. Totally.

Gila Reckess:
It's much easier to intervene earlier on. Yeah.

Anouk:
Yeah. And that applies to our children also for sure. But to us too. 100%.

Gila Reckess:
Yes. Right. And so all of this that I'm talking about is things that we do for ourself And that we model for our kids. Right? And that's a huge part of how we teach them these really important skills, which really this is self regulation. Jen. Right? You've heard this term before, and

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
That's really what it's about. It's it's keeping our sinks nice and healthy and Empty so that water can flow so that because water's gonna come in. Right? It's unrealistic to say, well, I'm just gonna keep water from coming into my sink. Well,

Anouk:
I'm not going I'm not going to live. Basically, I'm going to stay home, do nothing. And even then, you're gonna get some. There's no

Gila Reckess:
way Let me know when you patent that right? Let me know when you patent Bubble technology, and we'll all sign up. But until then Yeah. We need to assume that there's there's always gonna be water coming in, and so excuse me. So learning to recognize when your sink is starting to get full, learning strategies of what helps You, to empty it more or to keep it empty. And, you know, then in the moment When you notice your sink is really full, what can you do? So that's the 2nd piece. Right? Mhmm. I do wanna say for the prevention and peace. So it's partly about keeping our own sinks nice and healthy and full.

Gila Reckess:
I think it's also about, really prioritizing in ways that are aligned with our values and what our child and our family needs.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Right?

Gila Reckess:
And so there's all these messages from society. You know? You should do this. You need to do this. Right? Like, Soccer and baseball and karate and art class, and if your kid isn't doing this, then you know? Yeah. All these different things. And if it's not working for your family, if it's contributing to everyone's sinks Being full

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
Then really prioritizing, right, making decisions with your sync and your Child sink in mind. What is gonna help us keep our sinks nice and healthy and flowing and empty?

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
And That's about learning who your child is. Sorry. That's about learning who your child is, what your child's unique needs are, Or what your needs are and how do you meet those. Yeah. So really learning And understanding and giving yourself permission to make those decisions that meet the needs of Your family. Mhmm. Which is easier said than done. Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
For sure. Of societal pressures. Yeah. Easier said than then.

Anouk:
And I would say also, there's the kids' need, but when you're alone with them Like, you cannot divide, for example, if you have 2 kids and you need to be like, you have 2 activities, maybe 2 activities. 1 for each child is too much because you're alone and you have to do them all. When you have 2 parents and you can divide that job, it will fill your sink less fast, I would say, because you can do half of those. You don't have to be at all of them. If it's just 1 child, It might be a bit easier, but then again, some activity like, you have other stuff to do than the kids' stuff. So still, you need to divide yourself often different things, and you can't like, and Anouk correct me if I'm wrong, but I would say a lot of single parents will try to overcompensate sometimes

Gila Reckess:
Mhmm.

Anouk:
And do more so that they don't like, the the kid is not impacted? Yes.

Gila Reckess:
And I I I'm

Anouk:
using your quotes because I I don't think that's really necessary, but I think that's a tendency that we see often.

Gila Reckess:
Yeah. Yeah. And thank you. I was just gonna say that also. I was speaking to a mom who very much what you were just talking about. She was Feeling guilty

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
That she wasn't doing enough. And meanwhile, she was, you know

Anouk:
Oh, doing more than enough on sharing.

Gila Reckess:
At Cool. And going to other games. Right? She was doing all the things, but there was there's this guilt that comes up, This Mhmm. Rate this compensation that you need to sort of be and do all the things to compensate for this missing piece, this something missing. And I think that, you know, one really important thing to keep in mind is that one of the best Things that you can do for your kids is to take care of yourself. Right? If your sink is nice and taken care of, then you can show up for them in the way that they need. And so I think we parents often Struggle with that guilt anytime we're doing something that's taking care of ourselves, but taking care of ourselves is taking care of them.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. And, yeah, yeah. And I think, like we did, we said in the beginning that there's some things that are useful for all parents, but there's also some things that are very specific for single parents. Because for example, the mental like, just the decision making. If you're alone in taking all the decision and you cannot talk them through even if the other parent is not helping that much on Monday everyday basis because they're working and you're more at home, for example. I'm guessing that might be different different too because you don't have Some necessarily the other parent to bounce the ideas with.

Anouk:
Sometimes you can if you're separated and the the relationship is still good, which is not always the case, but sometimes there's just no other parent to bounce things off. Do you have any suggestion for parents that are in this situation?

Gila Reckess:
Yeah. Yeah. That can be really hard. I'm gonna say that can be both a plus and a minus. Yes. So the silver lining of it Is that you know, as a parent coach, one of the hardest things is the whole, how do I get my partner on board

Anouk:
thing. Right?

Gila Reckess:
It's like when you have 2 parents in the same home, and they have very different philosophies and perspectives and approaches

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
That Can be really challenging for the parents and also confusing and challenging for the kids. And so one of the beauties of single parenting is that You are in the driver's seat, and you get to decide what is the relationship model in this house, how Are we Mhmm.

Anouk:
How are

Gila Reckess:
we doing things? What am I going to model, and what are the expectations in this house? And you don't have to battle with someone else who might have a different opinion. Now they might be in the picture in another house having different opinions Yeah. But They're still in your house, you can decide what that relationship model is going to be. Mhmm. So that's the positive of it. But you're absolutely right. The emotional and, executive function burden, right, so having to make all the decisions, having to think it all through, is it's hard. It is, and it can be really lonely.

Gila Reckess:
And so, you know, I think a few things. 1, certainly, You don't need a spouse to have somebody to talk it through. So you can enlist other people who are not Romantic partner to be someone to talk it through, whether it's be whether it's a a paid support professional like a coach or a psychologist or something That or a family member or a friend. Mhmm. I also wanna say so one thing that I have used and that I think, That I think can be really helpful for anyone who doesn't have easy access to someone to process things with Mhmm. Which, again, isn't Just single parents. Right? That certainly is something a lot of single parents struggle with. So I have actually found it very powerful to do Audio journaling.

Gila Reckess:
Actually, any kind of journaling

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
Is very powerful, really being able to think through to to process through thoughts about something. So either writing it by hand. I personally prefer an electronic journal, so I like typing. It helps me process, and it also syncs across all my devices, which means I can access it wherever I am, and I can, like, do a quick journal entry wherever I am. But audio journaling is something that I think a lot of people haven't thought Godbout, and What I mean by that is you record yourself talking something through. So be your own partner.

Anouk:
Right? You're a listener, basically.

Gila Reckess:
Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. And that might sound Lonely and sad. I think it can be really empowering and, and helpful. I think that's really hard.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
And I think it's important to have ways of knowing that you can count on yourself To show up for yourself.

Anouk:
Right? To have both. Yeah. It's both. It's to yourself, but it's also needed like having other people to support you. But both are necessary. Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
And and, also, I just wanna say there there is often, I think, this Shame piece about reaching out for help, about asking for someone to listen and process it through. That is also not unique to single parents. I think this is universal. Yeah. But maybe it's even more dominant sometimes with single parents. Right? There's, again, that compensation. Well, I have to show the world that, you know, that I can do this on my own, That I don't need anyone. I don't need a partner.

Gila Reckess:
You know? I'm okay on my own. Mhmm. And I get that. I I I have that voice in my head too, I assure you, and asking for or and receiving support when it's offered, again, is one of those things can that that is, helping yourself and helping Your kids by helping yourself.

Anouk:
Yeah. Exactly.

Gila Reckess:
It's kind of cool that as a single parent, you know you can get input and, help processing from other people. But, ultimately, it's your call. Right? Like, you get to make that decision, Which again can be scary, and it can be or it can be, reassuring and and empowering.

Anouk:
Yeah. Definitely. Definitely. Yeah. And do you have like, to circle back to what we were talking about a bit earlier. Like, do you have some tips for, Like, the tricky moments when your child is melting down the floor, your sink is full, and you have nobody to pass it through? What do you do in that moment?

Gila Reckess:
Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. So, so a couple of things. First of all, addressing a slightly different situation, which is when your sink is super full and your kid is really needy. Mhmm. And you know that If you're not meeting their needs,

Anouk:
things

Gila Reckess:
might escalate. Right? So this is where earlier in the I actually just had a client who had a situation like this. She hadn't gotten a lot of sleep for really a couple of nights, but the night before, just Very little sleep. Her 7 year old had not gotten very much sleep either, and he was super needy and kept, you know, badgering her and really annoying her, Yeah. To be honest. And she, you know, things sort of escalated, and it And it ended up being really one of their worst days. I mean, she snapped and just was really, yelled and smacked and said things that she regretted, and then she shut down and withdrew and just sort of couldn't handle it, and then, of course, the shame and the guilt, and I think all of this is relatable. Right?

Anouk:
We've all been there more times than we've gone through.

Gila Reckess:
I know. And, you know, I asked her. I said, when he in when you were trying to nap in the morning and he was needy and pestering you, If you had let him watch a movie, would he have done that? Would that have helped? And she said, yeah. I think so. And so we talked about, you know, why What kept you from from doing that? And she gave lots of reasons that we would all have come up with. Right? And they're valid reasons. Right? I don't wanna reward the behavior. I don't want him watching too much video.

Gila Reckess:
I don't want him getting in the habit, you know, all of this stuff. And what ended up happening was it escalated, and then she shut down, and then she ultimately let him watch Video for, like, 3 hours because she reached her limit. Right? Her sink overflowed so much that she reached her limit. So One of my messages is give yourself permission to use the nuclear option when you need it. Right. So in this case, the nuclear option is let them watch video.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
Your sink needs tending. Right? She needed sleep. Mhmm. So in in my sink analogy, I would think of that as, like, her tiredness was like a a Clump of hair clogging up the sink. Right? If you don't clear that clump of hair,

Anouk:
no matter how much

Gila Reckess:
you work And deep breathing and pausing and

Anouk:
Not working. And all

Gila Reckess:
of that stuff, your sink is still gonna get full. Right? Yes. Yes. Because you're tired. Mhmm. Mhmm. So so do what you need to do, whether that's putting the kids on a device, even if that's not, You know, ultimately, long term, the strategy that you wanna use in the moment, give yourself that permission Mhmm. To clear that hair out of that drain.

Anouk:
Yes.

Gila Reckess:
Yeah. So so that's one of the things. And then when your child is having a hard time, I think one of the most important things that we can do, whether you're a single parent, whether you're On your own or not is to ground yourself, and to remind yourself that This is not an emergency. And so one of the things that I like is, and this is easier said than done again, is to pause and put your hand on your chest, on your heart, which really sort of physically connects you and grounds you, And to say something to yourself to calm the part of your brain that is very understandably in Panic mode. Right? Your brain thinks that it is an emergency. Your brain is acting like it is an emergency. And so Whatever you need to do to reground yourself into the knowledge that this is not an emergency. I am safe.

Gila Reckess:
So placing a hand on your heart, taking a nice, slow breath, and, some of the things that I like as a little Mantra in that moment, 1 is you can say, this is not an emergency.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
I am safe. Right. The other that I like is they're having a hard time

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
Or I am having a hard time.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
If you like the sync analogy, you can also say

Anouk:
My sync is full.

Gila Reckess:
Is really full. Right?

Anouk:
I love that.

Gila Reckess:
Or my child's sync is really full.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
And the reason I like these is that it reminds it's so easy for our brains to go to These places of, you know, judgment and criticism and fear.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
Oh my god. He can't handle anything. How is he ever gonna function in society? Right? Like or

Anouk:
Reese Carroll so fast.

Gila Reckess:
Hitting me.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
He's hitting me. He's a sociopath. Right? He's never gonna have healthy relationships. What I am a horrible parent. How have I let this get out of control? Right. So we spiral. We spiral. And so reminding ourselves that this is us or them Or both of us having a hard time.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Love that. And and the keeping in mind that it's not an emergency. I think that's the key because we feel like it is, and we need to fix it right now. Like, in teams fixing. But it it mostly needs writhing at that point.

Anouk:
You just need to go through it and wait for it to come. There's not much we can do.

Gila Reckess:
And so that's that's the next question. Right? So once you've sort of calmed your nervous system a little bit at least Mhmm. Asking yourself, what is really important in this moment?

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
Right? So often, this is gonna happen when you know, I know time pressure is a big

Anouk:
Yeah. Trigger. Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
Right? Like, when I'm feeling like we need to get out the door

Anouk:
We'll be late.

Gila Reckess:
Your kid feels mhmm. And your kid feels that time pressure Sure. And, you know, things start to escalate. And the more stressed you are about the time, the more they push Back about it and write things sort of

Anouk:
And the slowest thing goes.

Gila Reckess:
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And so, right, taking that moment And and reflecting, okay. This is not an emergency. What's really important right now in this moment?

Anouk:
Mhmm. Right.

Gila Reckess:
In the big picture, what's really important in this moment, if that makes sense. Yeah. So, You know, is it really important for you to get out the door? Is it more important for you to get out the door this moment, Or is it more important for you to be present with your child and make sure that they get the help that they need? And let me tell you, even if it's more important to get out the door at this moment, you Might not be able to. Right? So, there are time I will say there are sort of more urgent Times where you might need to. But often

Anouk:
If there's a fire in your house, you're allowed to just pick your child and go.

Gila Reckess:
Yes. Exactly. Yes. Right. And then Briere gonna get the mess later. Yes. Right. Right.

Gila Reckess:
But often, if you take a moment to slow things down and breathe and wait, in the long run, it will actually take Less time.

Anouk:
Yeah. And I can give you a perfect example that I live in almost every day is just buckling my youngest car seat. I can fight all I want for me to buckle it, but fighting with her to buckle it will just take longer than waiting the few minutes that it takes more for her to do it. Because at the end of the day, yeah, it takes more time, but fighting with her will take much more time and energy, and everybody's gonna end up mad. So, in in in all aspects, I need to take the breath to stay They come and wait because sometimes it takes her a lot of time. She's poor and has still trouble doing it, but she really wanna do it herself. And she's a strong willed child. And yeah.

Anouk:
So this is like Mhmm. Something I know I struggle on the daily, and is exactly the kind of example that I I think I should time it. I'm sure it it takes more time when we fight.

Gila Reckess:
Yeah. Absolutely. And I wanna say also, this might be slightly controversial, but, especially with kids with intense emotions, or strong willed kids. You know, I think parents, we have this narrative, and I'm saying we because I, You know, I'm guilty of it too. I don't wanna say guilty. I I also have it sometimes, this narrative that We can't compromise or change our position in any way.

Anouk:
Yeah.

Gila Reckess:
Because that will be showing weakness, and we're not we're losing control over the situation. And, you know, one thing that, That I believe, especially with these intent these kids with intense emotions, is when they're having a really hard time, when they're showing us these intense emotions, This is a message. Right? This is communication. This is their way of communicating something to us. And so if we Hear and respond to what's underneath the behavior rather than the behavior. If you think of it that way, then What I like to say sometimes is, wow. I didn't realize that this was so important to you. Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
This is new information. Right? Yeah. When he when he's having a really hard time in response to something, this is new information. I Didn't know that you felt this strongly about this. Thank you for letting me know. Right? We can work on how to let me know, but but Thank you for letting me know.

Anouk:
Yeah. That's

Gila Reckess:
Let's talk about this. Right? What what can we do to make this easier? What can we do to set us up for success? And, you know, I'm not saying in the moment when they're having a huge tantrum or something like that, but when their sync is is Not quite totally overflowing, and things have calmed a little bit saying, wow. Wow. I I really had no idea that this was so hard for you. Mhmm. What what can we do? Like, here's where I'm coming from. Right? I really, You know, need to do x or I really value x, but I see that this piece of it is really hard for you. How can we make that easier?

Anouk:
Mhmm. And then that's very, like validating for the child. And we address that more in in-depth in in episode 14, if I'm right. And I think that really ties in back, like, all that recognizing the child, needs and validating their Emotionally things like that. So that really ties in well, definitely, and is very important. So, yeah, thank you for for adding that. So Yeah. Is there anything you wanted to add before we end?

Gila Reckess:
I'll just say as related to that is that, you know, I think I think respect is really at the core of Everything we need to do, mutual respect. So my business is called connection based parenting, and

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
So, of course, I think connection is What I say is if your relationship with your child were a house, connection would be the raw materials, the bricks and the lumber that you use to build the house.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
But the foundation that you put those bricks and lumber on, that, like, solid concrete foundation is mutual respect. Mhmm. Right? Mutual respect. And that's what allows you to have and build that connection with your kids. And so that's what we were Talking about in that moment to recognize they're having a very valid feeling. Now Mhmm. How they're expressing it might not be how we want them to Godbout their their experience and their feeling is very valid. And when we recognize that and when we treat it as such, I think it goes a really long way.

Anouk:
Yeah. Definitely. Thank you. That's very important that and I think we forget in our society is not built for that either. Like, we have a society that doesn't Encourage Yeah. Respect, especially

Gila Reckess:
Mhmm.

Anouk:
Toward kids, I would say.

Gila Reckess:
Right. So Right. And we have to hear respect in parenting used to mean obedience and defiance. Yes. Or, obedience It's in compliance rather

Anouk:
than that.

Gila Reckess:
And I think that's very important. To where we started.

Anouk:
Yeah. It's very important.

Gila Reckess:
And to To bring it back to where we started about single parents is that I would say all of that also applies to ourselves.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Right?

Gila Reckess:
So Treating yourself with self compassion and with self respect and recognizing that Maybe your sink overflowed, and you did things that you or said things that you wish that you hadn't, but the feeling that was Going on what was going on for you? Your experience that led to that was valid Mhmm. And worthy and deserves Attention and and compassion.

Anouk:
Yeah. The same as your child.

Gila Reckess:
Mhmm.

Anouk:
Yeah. Thank you for for reeling us in here. So parents want to know more about you, learn more, where they can find you.

Gila Reckess:
Sure. Yeah. So my website is connectionbasedparenting.com.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Gila Reckess:
And I will send you a link. Also, I have a super short video. I know parents don't have a lot of time, so it's a 5 minute video. And it's Three mindsets, 3 powerful truths as I call it. These are the 3 mindsets that I like to remind myself and my clients find helpful When I'm having a hard time or when my child is having a hard time, and it also has a short grounding exercise at the end. So Right? It plays really well with what we, into what we've been talking about today.

Anouk:
Exactly. Yeah. We'll put those in the show notes, so that people can find them easily.

Gila Reckess:
Perfect. And then on Instagram and Facebook, I'm doctor Gila Parenting. So it's dr gila_

Anouk:
parenting. We'll put those 2. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. It's easier that way.

Gila Reckess:
Yeah. Yeah.

Anouk:
Right. Perfect. Then thank you very much for being here today. It was nice chatting with you. And I'm sure it

Gila Reckess:
was chatting. Thank you for having me.

Anouk:
Yeah. And I'm sure it's gonna be helpful for many parents. I really love that synch analogy.

Gila Reckess:
Thank you.

Anouk:
I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes at Soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at family moments dot on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath. Keep going. We're all in this together.