027- Compassionate Communication to Support Intense Kids – With Allison Livingston

Anouk :

Welcome to the podcast. Today, we'll talk about a different way of communicating with our emotionally intense kids, of course, but also anybody else, basically. A way to communicate that will lower arguments and yelling in our house, hopefully. And to do that, we're welcoming Alison Livingstone. She's a parent coach and transform families struggling with intense anger and anxiety, so our family dynamics. And she's passionate about and trained in Brown and nonviolent communication. In, guaranteed to impose family relating and build trust and increase yelling and arguments in owns. So let's welcome Alison and the podcast.

Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solution and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on other days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids.

Do you read all the things, listen to all the things, take all the courses, and you know all of things about parenting, but you struggle to actually apply them in your real life, then you're in luck. I just started the Parenting the Intensity community, which is a, monthly group support for parents of emotionally intense kids. And the goal is exactly that, to take all the information you learn from the podcast and from all the other sources and adapt them so that it work for your child and your family, your reality. Because things can work, but not always the same way for everybody. So the same thing might need to be adapted to work for you. And sometimes it's hard to sort through everything to choose the right things that so that you can really enjoy your life and your kids, not always being afraid of the next outburst. You can join by clicking on the link, in the show notes or on the website.

So welcome, Allison. Really glad you're here with us, today.

Allison Livingston:

Thank you. Glad to be here.

Anouk :

So first, I wanna ask you why you do what you do.

Allison Livingston:

Such a good question. I was In crisis, I had a daughter that was born with a very intense personality. I have 2 daughters. And when I I came from a family that was very well organized, my mom is a librarian, my dad is an engineer, and we valued they both went to a very high education, and we valued success and accomplishment. And I thought I was gonna be a great parent. I've been very successful in my business life, and then this child came out and she had intense anger, Intense meltdowns. She everything she did was that's why I love the name of your podcast because everything she did Was just big. And I was so, you know, controlled and methodical.

Allison Livingston:

And I we just Kept missing each other. I didn't understand her and it was so hard and so I needed support. And I went out and learned nonviolent communication, and, it can also be called compassionate communication, and it's a system of looking what's underneath. It's not just looking at things face value, and it helped it helps relationships. It helps communication. But even more than communication, it helps where you're coming from. And I was so reactive when she was so reactive that we were just a mess.

Anouk :

Yeah.

Allison Livingston:

So But butting ends all the time.

Anouk :

That's so common. I did that too.

Allison Livingston:

So much so much conflict, so much butting heads, and and to no end, like, we would both leave feeling so yucky. Like, it wouldn't get to resolution. Yeah. So that's why

Anouk :

Constant fighting, basically.

Allison Livingston:

Constant fighting. And and so at odds with what I had dreamed parenting would be.

Anouk :

Yeah. Yeah. That's a big one. Like, it's it's it's such a difficult experience when you're facing when real life parenting, which is very different. But then when you have, Like, any kids with different needs, then real life takes a hit even more. And reality of parenting, it's uterine defeats.

Allison Livingston:

Yes. Yes. Exactly. And everything was resistance and defiance, it felt like to me. And the wonderful hope that I got is that when I started to, approach her differently and work with myself, then she responded so much differently. And And that's why I have a message of hope for kids.

Anouk :

Yeah. And I love that you're used, remind me. You you're using another term for nonviolent communication. It's

Allison Livingston:

Impassionate communication is also what it's called. Yeah. And I love it because kinda stuck.

Anouk :

Yeah. I I feel like and we've we were talking about that a bit before we Press record, but I I've learned about nonviolent communication years ago, but I always felt like when you can start talking about that to people, most people would just Take a step back and feel like that doesn't apply to me. I'm not violent. So they don't listen to the information. And that's a shame because it's a very great approach, but the name of it is just not well chosen.

Allison Livingston:

It's off putting for sure. I I feel the exact same way. And The the thing that has brought me around, 1, is just using the tools are so effective. Yeah. The other is that it's It's that judgment is violent. And and so much of what they try to realize is that When you evaluate someone, when you come from your left brain, when you judge them as being wrong or not okay

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

Then that is a form of violence. That's what Marshall Rosenberg, who started it all, I think that's where he was coming from. And he actually worked in the Middle East with peace talks and That that's also where he has used this. But in the in the crux of it, for families, we want to say it's about the loving communication And understanding where you are because none of us wanna come from a an off putting or, divisive, you know, Judgmental place. But No. Unknowingly, inadvertently, we do. Yeah. And so that's why this

Anouk :

That's obviously, just I just wanna step on the Judgment is violent because I think that's so true. And it's true in the way what we might be judging our kids, but it also is true in the way that we judge each other as parents and that we judge ourselves as parents. So we we are violent with ourself when we shame ourself or we guilt our like, we feel guilty. And, Like, sometimes it's like wanting to stop. That is hard. Like, we wanna stop judging ourself, Often, then we we we it it can be, like, a downward spiral because then we feel bad because we're not able to. Not the goal here, but The idea is that when we judge ourself or when we judge others, be it our other parents, our partner, or their children, it's a form of violence. And I think it's what Anna Arendt called, everyday violence, if we will, like normal violence.

Anouk :

I just don't I just know know the exact term in French for some reason. Like, it's it's like the the violence that we have normalized as a society as something normal. But it's

Allison Livingston:

Like, even an inner critic voice, like you said, judging ourselves or judging others. That

Anouk :

Yeah.

Allison Livingston:

That form of Communication is not supportive. We need to get to the compassionate part, and and that's hard to do in the moment because we are, like you said, so culturally trained To be judgmental.

Anouk :

Yeah. Definitely. And I I like, we're all guilty of judging other parents, for example. And I think that's a big part of The problem, it's because when we judge others, we don't trust ourself as parents also. And in that moment, we judge ourself at this same time.

Allison Livingston:

And and it's such a good thing that that this system does, the the 5 steps to connect that I've developed is When we can get into that observer mode, that's when we can realize because the judgment is just a function of our brain. It's a part of our left Brain for analysis and judgment and figuring things out. It just is misapplied with our children.

Anouk :

Yeah. Because it's it's necessary for survival. Like, judging fast If our environment is safe or not, it it it's what will make us run out of the street if a car is coming too fast, for example. So it's essential to our survival. But when we apply it to how others work or how our children react, then it it's not working.

Allison Livingston:

Misapplied. Yes. I like to say it's just it's it's necessary. We actually can't take it, turn it off. Just like you said, it's part of our survival system, and It's often miss misapplied when we direct it at each other. It's so that's great.

Anouk :

At at the same time, it like, sometimes it's Well applied if it's a danger, if the other person is a real danger, a real trap. But in most of the time, that's not the case in our everyday life. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Yeah. And I

Allison Livingston:

do wanna bring up that, one of the foundational concepts that when my child was being Very intense. It felt threatening. It felt dangerous to my nervous system.

Anouk :

Yep.

Allison Livingston:

And the viewers won't be able to see, but there I'll use the image of a snarling wolf. And that is how my nervous system perceived my daughter when she would shout, no. I won't. And all these, You know, and I thought I was asking something very reasonable, like, okay. It's time to leave the park. Mhmm.

Anouk :

And

Allison Livingston:

she would have such a big reaction, and so I had to condition and Train myself to imagine her as a budding puppy, the second image, and that's what's going on inside her. She's scared. She's hurting. She's she's Having an unmet need, which is the other foundational component of of, compassionate communication. And so the more I can see what's going on underneath the surface, That's when real connection and real understanding. And and that's the core needs of our kids is to be seen and heard and understood. And so that's where

Anouk :

Definitely.

Allison Livingston:

We're Yeah. All kinds of kids too.

Anouk :

That image of, like, we can see our children as wolf and as, like like, as Threatening us. And I think, like, lots of parents are dealing with kids that are physically aggressive. So it's definitely stem. And where even if it's kids that are yelling, it's troubling your nervous system. And so we feel like we fall in that fight or flight mode. And so we are seeing that as a threat, and we are reacting as if it was a threat, like a real life threat. And, Yeah. Like the wolf.

Anouk :

Like, it was a wolf, basically. If we are Yes. Of a wolf, we would react that way and would would be appropriate, but it's not a wolf. It's a walk with a hidden puppy inside.

Allison Livingston:

Yes. Yes. And the key part of the revolution of how to get out of conflict is to use both and. The the my nervous system is correct. The yelling, the volume, the face that she's giving me is actively threatening.

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

And the meaning I'm making about it is where is what I have control over, and that's what is actually not not correct. So when I can be aware of the Story I'm making up about it that both validate, yes. This is disregulating to my nervous system. I my heart rate is going fast. My jaw is tight. My stomach is Clenching. I am feeling threatened, and she's not dangerous. She's not trying to be dangerous.

Allison Livingston:

She's trying to get needs met.

Anouk :

Mhmm. Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

So that's the key moment for me.

Anouk :

Yeah. Definitely. Definitely. And so you said you have, like, a 5 step. Can you run us? What are those steps?

Allison Livingston:

Yeah. Yeah. So the the again, it's we so often invalidate either them or us. I wanna get to stop this uncomfortable outburst or embarrassing thing in the middle of a grocery store when my Child was having a meltdown. Classic. She wants the toy at the register or whatever. And so that both validate Her and me first before I try to do corrections or unless it's dangerous. Right? You got to step in if it's dangerous.

Allison Livingston:

But but it's really just see her and validate her. See so meet is the first step. See and validate myself because This is a tricky moment. Mhmm. This is a hard thing. I do notice that people are staring at us. Right? So it's Too often we invalidate it and just try to make it go away. And that hurts the my child and it hurts me.

Allison Livingston:

And so meet is the first step of just This is hard. And then the 2nd step is, for me, so much of our emotions are felt in our bodies, And I was living from the neck up, and I was, again, invalidating my body's wisdom about there is something going on here for me, And there's something going on for my child. And so it's really get to the somatic wisdom in our bodies. Mhmm. The 3rd step is what is that somatic wisdom telling me about my emotions because, again, I was living from this rational place. I was trying to fix everything and make it run well

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

When what I really needed to do was meet Her emotionally, meet myself emotionally. And so what was what were the feelings? Was it embarrassment? Is it shame? Is it Frustration. What is it? And then the 4th is, the motions in point me to my unmet needs, my values.

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

And so, again, just validate that I'm needing partnership. I'm needing calm. I'm needing to be seen. This is a hard moment. It's a hard one for her too. Mhmm. But I can't really regulate her until I regulate myself. Yeah.

Allison Livingston:

And so that's why this is such a tricky key thing to learn because we have to do both at once, and that's Gandhi level work. Right?

Anouk :

So Definitely.

Allison Livingston:

So the 5 steps to connect are to ourselves so that we could connect with our child And our strong will deeply feeling child. And, and once we've done those, then we can notice if we need to set a boundary, if we need to give them a hug of compassion, if we need to give them time and space, if we if I need to give myself a time out, you know, then I can one from this Regulated, connected place, then I can move forward from compassion instead of from reaction.

Anouk :

Mhmm. But we first need to realize what's happening and connect with it to be able to then calm ourself, for example, and come regulate ourself.

Allison Livingston:

Right. Right. And not use that inner critic violent judgmental voice of, oh, how could I be so stupid? How could she be doing this to me? Right? Mhmm. We get so enmeshed So quickly in that we personalize things, and we take on their feelings that she made me feel. And and none of that is true when you can slow it down And pull apart what's actually happening.

Anouk :

Yeah. Yeah. They're helping. And it's all, and I think as parents, we'd so Easily, like, we were talking about the judgment when we're in a public setting and things like that happen. That judgment from other people, be it true or or perceived, And I would say most of the time, sadly, it's true. We perceive that as a threat. So it's an added threat to what our children are already doing. So, yeah, that that's a big one also.

Anouk :

It's that, that our nervous system is, because it's so braided and, like, really triggered by, yeah, our childhood, but also by the judgment of others because it's perceived as a violence and so as a threat to our nervous system too. So it's doubly hard when we're out of the house.

Allison Livingston:

Yes. Exactly. The other foundational concept is Brene Brown's work That I am actually brought up, Brene Brown Book Club, and the the shame that washes over us really does take our everything offline. And and so being able to be vulnerable and and not be in this pleaser performer habitual way that That I was conditioned to be. Mhmm. That's also, like you just mentioned, so much of we're caring about what people think instead of my relationship with my daughter. She needs support. She's having a hard time.

Anouk :

And we're acting often from the what are others thinking about me more than what my child needs, Because it's so ingrained in us that we need to behave in society and we need to, like, give the appearance of perfect parents per in control of their Children behaviors, it's very hard. Like, I can tell you, like Yes. We were not in public setting for most of the summer, and then I went for, like, Orientation day in my kids' school, and I had to bring my youngest who's 4 year old and is really emotionally intense. And we had to wait in line for a really long time, and she she's not good at all at waiting in line. Like, it's a very big struggle for her waiting And being in, like, in one place when she cannot move because she cannot or we're in a high school, but she cannot run anywhere. And She was not having it. Like, she didn't want it to stay there. She was yeah.

Anouk :

I'm I'm in a high school with just high schoolers who learn to behave. You know? It was I don't do that anymore For most part so everybody's looking at you. It's very hard to stay in, like, the way you know your children needs you to, to to to work with them and to support them. Right. Right. Because there's all that judgment. And I, like, I Felt it. It it it was it's been a while since I went to bed.

Anouk :

I felt it really intensely at that moment with everybody's staring at us. And even my older kids, like, my my second one don't care about others' judgment. But my older one, he really, really cares. So he was embarrassed also. And he was the one yelling at her to stop because he's not like, I was like, you know, it's not helping. And I always like to remind him that you were exactly doing the same thing when you were 4 year old.

Allison Livingston:

Yes. Which maybe doesn't help either. No. For sure.

Anouk :

But that's why it's it does help him take some distance. Like, you you she's only 4 year old. She's not 15. It's normal that she's acting differently. But, yeah, it's like

Allison Livingston:

that greatest do you know what was do you remember what was happening, like, physically in your body? Were you getting hot? Yeah. Were you feeling tense anywhere?

Anouk :

I would say the the hot part, even if I know, even if I've been there, even if I teach about that, the feeling's still there. I you'll still feel that. And this I would say the difference is that now I see it. I feel it, and I know I don't have to react to that. And I know I can still like, I'm I'm I've trained myself enough that I can still act with her the way I know she needs, But I still feel the judgment of others. I know they're looking. I know they're judging. It's still hard.

Anouk :

But I can I don't react? Like, For my older ones, I would have reacted differently than what I knew we needed because because of that judgment.

Allison Livingston:

And Because you've done your work.

Anouk :

Yeah. Now that I've done everything, I guess, it's been 10 years since like, they are 11 years apart. So I've I've worked a lot in those years, and now I can still be that parent that it took me years. And I think you and I, the work we're doing, the goal is to help parents go there faster than 10 years later.

Allison Livingston:

Well, that's why I I was just gonna suggest that, you know, if if you are a new parent listening and this is new concept to you, this body work, that was My lifeline. Because the thoughts were slippery, but I could go, oh, I actually physically am feeling hot. It would get me a little bit out of that, what are people thinking, And I could just focus on, oh, my jaw. Oh, my jaw. And that would help me shoulder often will Yes. Yes. Exactly. My trapezoids.

Allison Livingston:

And so that was something that I could physically get me back to the present moment instead of that reactive thought Place I was in.

Anouk :

I love how practical that is. So, like, noticing what how we feel when we're not feeling when we're feeling activated. And Yeah.

Allison Livingston:

That helps to Just be there.

Anouk :

Our mind because our mind will run free if we don't call them.

Allison Livingston:

Yeah. Yeah. And and the other tool I use is broadcasting. That is, that is the hardest part. And so it's just a a a chance to give yourself some support and some compassion instead of letting that inner critic keep Talking.

Anouk :

Can you explain a bit more what you mean by broadcasting?

Allison Livingston:

Yeah. Broadcasting is a tool to Speak either in your mind or out loud what is going on for you. So if it would embarrass your Child to speak it out loud, then just say in your head, oh my gosh. I'm feeling stuck. I am feeling like everyone is staring. It's just naming What is happening instead of letting it control you. It gives me just a slight support in the moment. Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

Oh, my child is crying. Her face is getting red. I want I want to support her, and I'm feeling like I need to stifle her.

Anouk :

Yeah. So, again, that's it's kind of rounding, basically Yes. Doing that. Right?

Allison Livingston:

Okay. Exactly.

Anouk :

Yeah. Exactly. Okay. Love that. Because this is a question that I get so often. It's like, how can I stay calm when my children is perling down and melting down and, like, losing it completely? And it's very hard to do that in the moment when we feel threatened. Yes. So I love that it's so practical that you look at your Inner feeling, and you run-in your head what is happening and or you run it out loud.

Anouk :

And I think sometimes it can even be a pull for the children when we run it outside out loud.

Allison Livingston:

Yes.

Anouk :

But on public setting, might not be for some children, for sure. But

Allison Livingston:

And it just names what they It gives words to what they are experiencing. Instead of invalidating their experience, you're you're seeing it and you're validating it. And just saying, it's okay that this is hard. Life is sometimes like this, and it won't last forever, and you're not alone in these intense feelings.

Anouk :

Yeah. And I I as I I talked to someone else about, like, in those moments, most of the time, the kids don't really hear what we're saying, but they They hear the intention and the the tone of voice. So if we are able to say those things and it's grounding for us, Our tone of voice will kind of be that. So I think that's very powerful. Because even if don't they don't really understand what we're saying, like the word, They will understand the intention behind the word in some way. Like, their body is gonna understand that.

Allison Livingston:

Yes. That's such a important thing of that Grounding. And like you said, they they won't get the cognition because they're offline. They're just in their full emotions. They're physical. They're they're in their kinetic space. And so even getting down on their level and being body to body with them can help them, you know, get that that that feeling of presence and that feeling of I'm not alone. Yes.

Allison Livingston:

This is intense and hard, but I'm not in it by myself.

Anouk :

Mhmm. And so, How would you say, like, you were to give an example of, like, with your daughter, you were always, like, basically fighting because you were, Like, the reaction was intense. And how would you say that the nonviolent on like, communication can help in a setting like that to avoid going to by triggering the the fight, basically.

Allison Livingston:

So in a moment of intensity, of upset, or even using your example of your 4 year old is getting impatient and starting to get upset, Like my daughter would do as well. It's it's it's hard to get out of the I'm feeling threatened By other people's judgments. That's the actual threat. Yeah. And it's so conditioned that and my parents taught me, Don't be embarrassing. You know, stay in the they they talk control. Yeah. And so it's really a a different System of of being able to meet ourselves and meet our child.

Allison Livingston:

And, again, for me, the physical is So important because it's one thing I can grab, and and it just helps me. The the other thing I've built in is when we're upset, it Stop to connect. And the s sounds stands for something matters, something's important. And so it gets me out of the feeling like either she's manipulating me or she's irrational or this is inappropriate or all those thoughts that aren't helpful. It helps me ground to something matters to her. And then the o is own. Own what's going on. Again, it's that validation of The inner experience, her inner experience and mine.

Allison Livingston:

They're not doing it to be troublemakers.

Anouk :

No. They're not doing us that for, Like, to trigger us or annoy us there during that because there's something going on.

Allison Livingston:

Yes. Yes. And then the the The, sorry. The t is threat or no threat. It just gives me a chance to ask a question and be curious instead of being in the reaction. And, like, is there a physical threat, or is this an emotional threat that I'm probably creating myself by what I'm thinking? Mhmm. And and then the final is the p in the stop to connect is, you know, change my perspective And and know that the purpose is to connect and to maintain the relationship, not whatever the result is. Not that, you know, She screams and we have to go take a time out in the car for 5 minutes to help her support her.

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

So it's really all about, You know, meeting each other instead of fixing first and and focusing on the result first, and it's hard. Just a lot of compassion for the child and the parent.

Anouk :

Definitely. Definitely. And is is that something we can apply? Like, that would be the To apply, like, when it's already spiraling down, I would say? Yes. And is there a way to Use that to prevent. Like, when we start talking with our children with something and then they react a bit intensely, I think often what happens is that we will really fast go there and start to, like, talk, like and and just Make, like, make things worse, basically, because we are triggered. But

Allison Livingston:

Trying to control them. Yeah.

Anouk :

Yeah. In some way. Because I think that's How we're taught because the parents should be the 1 in control of the situation. Right?

Allison Livingston:

Part. Yes. Yes. And that's exactly the hardest part is once we're in it, it's almost too late. And so how can we do the prep work For either deep breathing or or really making eye contact with them and and and just anticipating, the great resource is, Good Inside, doctor Becky Kennedy. And she talks about doing a a dry run, Like like imagining what it's gonna be like and what some of the hard parts might be so that you are the sturdy parent and and your child feels like, You know, she can count on you. She can trust you. And and that you can be trusted to stay with her and to put her first, her feelings first

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

Instead of the result first.

Anouk :

Yeah. Instead of, like, correcting the behavior, we're putting their feelings and needs in in like, As the first thing. Right?

Allison Livingston:

Yes. And and and another is even if it can't be first, you can again broadcast and say, This is a tricky situation. Your brother needs me right now.

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

We we need to be here, and I see that you're having a hard And and it makes sense you're having a hard time. This is a long time to wait. So, again, it's all about validating. It's like a superpower.

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

Because they feel seen and heard. Even when you don't change your boundary, even if you don't leave

Anouk :

Mhmm.

Allison Livingston:

Even if you can't Change the circumstance, you can see her lived experience.

Anouk :

Yeah. True. And we touched on like, we kind of opened on Correcting behavior. And I think that's something, that's hard for lots of parents that wants to Stop. Like, they they get that the behavior is not a problem and that their kids are struggling, but everything that we're taught is based on Correcting behavior. So I think sometimes it's very hard to do to move away from correcting behavior because all the parenting tools out there are focused on that. And so I love that it's like helping what you're talking about is helping like, it's concrete steps to help with correcting behaviors. And the other thing that we touched a bit before we recorded, was that It can be hard for parents to explain that to others around them, to their partner first, and maybe grandparents, for example, When they don't wanna correct the behavior and they wanna have another approach, it's often hard to explain because we don't necessarily Understand it very well ourselves.

Anouk :

So do you have a way that we can explain that to ourselves and others, like, simply I know it's a big ask.

Allison Livingston:

Yeah. Yeah. It's a big ask. I have been working on this for, yeah, over 10 years. And And the cleanest way is is the the value for mental health of having a feeling first approach. So the the key to to explain to a partner who's like, this is you're speaking Greek. I don't get it. I just want her behavior is not Okay.

Allison Livingston:

Because from our family of origin, we were given all these, you know, children are seen and not heard. They they are supposed to behave, and if not, you punish them. Right? That was a lot of the old rules of parenting. And and so many of our parents weren't validated. They weren't left their emotional space wasn't held, so they didn't know how to do this For us. And and we're both needing to learn how to, you know, validate our own emotions while we're validating our kids.

Anouk :

Yeah.

Allison Livingston:

So what I say to my partner is the the value of this down the line for when they're teenagers, For when they're adults, for their own mental health, will far outweigh the the challenge of learning this new system.

Anouk :

And it

Allison Livingston:

is a new system. And so it's it's not easy. It takes work.

Anouk :

Yeah. Definitely. It's it's hard. And I I love that you're saying that it takes works and it's hard. Because Often, like, when we try to do new things that way, we will beat ourselves Again, so easily because we are not able to do it. And I think it's very important to validate that it's normal not to be able to do it From the get go, and we will fall down in the method we we are used to to do all the time because it's it's just normal to To fall back. You know? Because what we're we're trained for so many years. And I think the goal is just to get better and better and better.

Anouk :

And some days we're gonna get worse because it's bad days.

Allison Livingston:

Yes. I'm so glad you said that it's one of Brene Brown's concepts of a frustrating first time, she actually has a bad word, but in case any kids are listening, is a FFT. Yeah.

Anouk :

I think we can we can make the switch in our head.

Allison Livingston:

Yes. Yes. Exactly. And so I am a terrible learner. I have such a short fuse. I have such High expectations. And I I mostly work with high achieving parents because those are the ones that really clash with these intensely feeling child because they expect That it's gonna be better and easier and and more streamlined. And so we're not good at FFTs, 1st learnings.

Allison Livingston:

And and so it takes a lot of compassion, a lot of vulnerability, and a lot of grace, which are not what we what I was conditioned To be good at. I was I was trying to just get a result, get an accomplishment. So it is an unlearning of a lot of old patterns So that I can learn this new way of feeling first, meeting my child where they are, results second.

Anouk :

Definitely. Yeah. Love that. Thank you. That was a lot of, great practical tools, I think, for Parents to, to help calm themselves down first. I think it was that what was the most important here, and then out their kids also. And so where can people find you if they wanna work more on that?

Allison Livingston:

I wanna say that in a second. I couldn't leave without saying that

Anouk :

Go.

Allison Livingston:

Because we just talked about how because that we just talked about how challenging it is to learn this, I wanna say that it's never too late to make a repair. If you blow up at your child, if you are impatient, if you are controlling, if you do results 1st, because you're embarrassed. It's okay. And you can go back after the fact and let them know that you're aware of it and that you're working on it and what you would you wished you had done. And it rewrites the end of the story and builds that connection that is so important.

Anouk :

And that's just so true. And I can tell from experience that. I I learned some of those things when my older ones were little, and I tried them, and I didn't do it perfectly at all. And I did fail a lot of time. And I did yell at them a lot of time, especially my older one because it's the one we bother the most with. And now that he's a team and I've Switch things progressively. I can tell that we have a great line of communication even if he's still Not the easiest team for a long while. And he would probably tell you that himself now.

Anouk :

But we have a great line of communication because I've I've made all of those mistake that you just said. I fall down and I but I was able to say, I'm sorry. I didn't do what I wanted to do. And Now I'm trying to do better, and I'm not doing better all the time. I still slip sometimes too because we're human. You know? But I agree that it's not We so often feel like if we're not perfect by age 3, everything is lost. But that's still not true. We can still change.

Anouk :

We can still do better, and we can still repair things with our children for sure. I love that you said you added that.

Allison Livingston:

And time travel is actually a tool of you can go back To an earlier time that you both blew it that was actually a scar or a trauma for them, and you can say, hey. Can you tell me what you were feeling? And you can hold their, validate their feelings even if it's a year later. It doesn't matter. It's never too late.

Anouk :

Never I love that. Oh, love that. We might have to do an entire episode Love the idea of, like, going back and taking some specific moments when you feel like you Failed, like, as a parent probably, and that the the child felt like you were not there for them, and then you can repair that specifically. Love it. Very interesting way of doing it. So, yeah, is there anything else you would like to add before we close?

Allison Livingston:

There's so much because I'm so passionate about this because I wanna give parents the hope and the Empowerment that it doesn't have to be so hard, and they are the parent that their child needs. So just a lot of encouragement. Yes. And the way you can get a hold of me, because I love coaching parents in this, is, the number 5 steps to connect. And There is a tool about facing your, angry and flexible child, as well as a free, Coaching session to see if, I can give you a tip that might really support your family dynamics if they are challenging.

Anouk :

Great. We'll put that link in the show notes for sure. Thank you very much, for being here today. It was very nice talking to you, and I really love all the practical tools that you, shared with, the community. So thanks for being here, Allison.

Allison Livingston:

You're welcome. It's been a very much of a pleasure and just, just really warm welcome to all the people listening.

Anouk :

Thank you. And as I Basically, to say after at the end of all episode, if anything that, Allison shared today resonates with you, I definitely encourage you to reach out. Because most of the time, when we have that Nudge inside that little feeling that, oh, that thing, that's the right solution for me. We're right. So go for it if that's what you felt. So thank you so much. I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes at Soon as They Drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast.

Anouk :

And please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my site@familymoments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath. Keep going, we're all in this together.