Or how to spend quality time as a couple even when you have emotionally intense kids
It's not easy on a daily basis to save time for our couple when we have children. And when we have emotionally intense kids, there's an added difficulty, as it can be harder to find someone else to take care of them and we have added worry, overwhelm and tiredness.
We had made the promise, before having them, that we would continue to be lovers and to devote time to ourselves. But the reality of living with our intense children is often very different from what we had imagined in our life as perfect parents (the ones we were before having children).
The impact of having emotionally intense kids on our couple
When I decided to go do my Masters degree in Social Work, it was to explore a situation that fascinated me, and unfortunately not positively: the high number of couples who separate quickly after having children. Among the couples around us, especially now that our first two are older, we increasingly feel that we are the exception rather than the norme. And the data is clear: parents of kids of special needs of any kind have a much higher rate of separation and divorce then other parents. Obviously all is not always perfect. Like all couples, we have gone through our pitfalls and had to learn to reinvent ourselves and adapt as a couple on several occasions.
And it's not by doing a monthly date night or by applying one magic trick because there is not. And not everyone has grandparents who can babysit or who can easily (and frequently) leave children with a babysitter. So we think outside the box to find ways to devote time to each other despite the everyday obstacles.
Small daily attentions
The most important remains in everyday life. It's not always by finding long moments or fantastic activities that we will keep our life as a couple healthy. It is often the little daily attentions, the little minutes borrowed from family life that will make all the difference. It may be hard to believe for some, but with children and worries about many things when you have special kids that don't fit the social expectations, you can often go a day (or more) without even hugging or kissing.
Just committing to do it, even if only once a day, remembering it when you forget, can make a difference. And although adding that to a routine may lack spontaneity, sometimes we need that to get back to the little daily habits, so that it becomes more natural and spontaneous again. And if it often take place in front of the children, it's even better, it gives a model of a healthy couple relationship, because before being parents, we were lovers, so it's normal to still be with children, as difficult as it may seem in everyday life.
And as much small daily attentions can solidify and maintain a couple relationship, their absence will quickly erode our relationship, even without conflicts or different. So if you don't have the energy or the time to do anything else, just focusing on that aspect is probably the best place to start putting your time and energy.
Household chores
Ok, that doesn't sound romantic, but it can be very positive (or negative) for our life as a couple. First of all, sharing the housholde load in a way that seems fair for both members of the couple is essential for a healthy relationship. Then, I'm sure everyone can appreciate the idea of getting home, tired, and having everything clean, tidy and dinner ready... bonus if the kids have had their baths and watch the TV for dinner (see "date night" at home) now, that sounds almost romantic, admit it.
The other thing that household chores can be used for is spending time doing them together. It's entirely possible to have great discussions while folding laundry or doing the dishes... and it's crazy how children, even small ones, suddenly become independent and disappear when they could help with household chores, so it's a perfect opportunity to have some time just between the two of us and doing chores together makes them way less boring.
"Date Night" at home
We put the children to bed (or in front of a movie) and we have a real good meal just for adults (which does not include any dietary restrictions of difficult children's tastes), bonus if there are candles and a dessert (chocolate). And once they're asleep, we can look at a movie or do whatever we like. It's both cheaper and can much more easily get squeezed in our everyday life then going out, especially when finding a babysitter for our wonderful (but challenging) kids proves to be...challenging!
Family activities that allows US time
Rarely at home, more often on the go.
Going to the beach for example, after swimming with the family, we start the children in sand construction games, then we sit back a little and watch them do it. There is a good chance that we will have a few moments of respite just for the two of us, to chat quietly.
Easier to do when there is more than one child in general, but not impossible if your child has some ability to concentrate alone. Family camps are also great options for summer vacations as they provide activities for children while parents can rest or do activities for themselves.
Take advantage of car trips
Especially if the children are sleeping, reading, listening to music, a movie, etc. For us it's the place of choice to recreate the world (especially our own) rethink our home, plan travels and discuss family values. It's even a way to make the journey more pleasant and make it seem shorter.
However, be sure to avoid sensitive topics, because triggering a conflict in the car is far from ideal and safe. And keep in mind that your kids are right behind so choose your topics accordingly.
Babysitting exchanges with other parents
It is the ultimate free child care solution when grandparents are not an option. We exchange children, one evening at their place, one evening at our house. Bonus if they can spend the night, we have a weekend of ours for real.
And parents of other emotionally intense kids are probably the only other adults we can fully trust with ours as they know what's what!
Have couple plans
Too often, when we have children, our daily lives revolve around them, especially during the first years, before school age and then in the whirlwind of lunches, homework, extracurricular activities, assessment, thearpists appointments and school meetings.
We rarely have time just for us. We have little time to think and talk about other things, all of our discussions revolve around family organization, children's successes or challenges, etc. It may become necessary to sit down and discuss together about our vision for our family and couple life that we want for the year or years to come. This discussion can be scary. After several years of sometimes having the impression of living in parallel, it can be confronting to finally find yourself face to face. But it is necessary to do it in order, then, to be more comfortable in our daily exchanges.
Need a little structure to support your discussions and reflexions? You can download this little tool.
The famous communication
Unfortunately, it's no secret that one of the key difference between successful couples vs. those who have more difficulty is healthy communication, it's essential.
Have you ever heard of Nonviolent Communication? The term is scary and immediately gives us the impression that it is not addressed to us, we are not violent, you see! And yet, the principles are simple and we all break them frequently: Not accusing or blaming the other for example is part of the basic concepts, as is talking using "I" statements (which is easier said than done). Leaning a little on this approach and trying to use it as well as possible, even if we do not succeed completely (it would take years of deprogramming of automatisms) is already a huge step in the right direction. If you want to know more you can find the basics here. Or buy a book by the founder of the method here. (No I don't get affiliates rewards on those.)
Expressing our needs and wants clearly and not assuming that the other understands what we want without us having clearly expressed it, and avoid being on the defensive is a great starting point.
And after all, keeping in mind that kids will grow up and that it will all get easier with time can help (even if keeping that in mind is not that easy).
Being in different places in the acceptation process
When we have emotionally intense or special needs kids, there is a grief and acceptation process that takes place on may aspects. And it's often very different for each member of the couple. We are not at the same place at the same time, we don't have the same part of the load and we don't receive the information in the same way. So giving each other the space to be at a different space and still be able to support each other where we each are is essential to not drift apart. And sometimes, that requires to share some things with someone else as our partner is not able to be there for us in the way we would need them to right this moment.
If it gets harder
When it gets harder and our partner gets on our nerves more often, a simple little action is to identify something you still love and enjoy doing in your daily lives. Ideally a new one every day or focus on the same thing several days in a row. The change this creates in your vision is sometimes surprising. And whether it is for this exercise or any other way to recreate a bridge with your partener, do not wait for the other to take the first steps and do not play the ego game, it has no place in a healthy and egalitarian couple, as well as calculating what each is doing for the other. If you see a way to change the situation, go ahead, take the first steps, the chances that your partner will follow you are high.
And if things are really not going well and a helping hand is needed, there are specialized therapists who can help us.*
*Warning, in some situations the only healthy solution is separation and I don't want to push someone who has to leave a toxic relationship to stay in it, there are resources if you are in that situation and need help.
