021 – A healthy foundation for less meltdowns – With Keri Cooper

Anouk: Hi,  Keri, really glad to have you on the podcast today.

Keri: Thank you so much for having me.

Anouk: Today, we're going back to basics, and I think it's something that we often forget when we have emotionally intense kids because we focus on those intense moments. We focus on the struggle, on the tantrum, on the meltdown, and we try to make that disappear by focusing on that. And so today we're taking a step back, I would say. And we're building the foundation because I think that's easy to let slide when things are harder on an everyday basis. First, can you tell us a little bit about what you do and why you do it?

Back to the basic necessities of life
Keri: Absolutely. So, I have a private practice in Northern New Jersey. I've been a therapist for probably 20 years at this point and an author of two books and a speaker. All my career has been with children and adolescents. That is what I've always loved. It probably comes from my own background. When I was growing up, I saw so many of my friends struggling and not having that adult to really turn to and talk to without judgment, to be able to give them that guidance. So. I think that's what really drove me to be a therapist. When I started out in the world of therapy, I really felt like we were missing something. Something just isn't right. It wasn't until 10 years into my career, through my own daughter with a dairy insensitivity that massively impacted her mood when she was young, did I realize we need to look past just the symptoms. What are we eating? How are we sleeping? How are we building up our foundations to really help us feel good and to have the most stable mood that we can So unfortunately, all my years of training never did somebody say to me, make sure your clients are hydrated, but we actually have studies that show that kids are more focused when they're hydrated, that kids are less angry when they're hydrated.

So yes, like you said before, we always jump to the crisis in front of us and it's hard to remember that we need to build the whole foundation up first.

Anouk: It's so difficult to take that step back. It feels like the opposite of what we want when we're in the middle of a chaos and someone tells us, have you taken enough water today? And I'm like, what are you even talking about? That's not the problem. We can dismiss that so easily. .

Keri: It seems so simple. It's not simple though. It's very hard actually to live a healthy lifestyle. I think people are forgetting how important it is. And that's really why I wrote my books and why I do my talks because we can set our kids up and ourselves up for more success.

Anouk: And that's just water. There's so many things. And even just drinking enough water, it's not easy. And what would you say are those basics?

The 10 foundation essentials
Keri:My books are broken down into 10 foundations, five of them physical and five of them mental. And the physical ones are hydration, food, which is a huge one, especially today; Sleep, which especially since COVID has been a nightmare for most kids; exercise and meditation. Those are really the five principles. When I say meditation, there's so many different ways you can go about doing it. And I explain that in my book. You don't need to lay there for 30 minutes and meditate, you could just focus on deep breathing. You could focus on relaxing your muscles. You could do a mindful walk. There's many different opportunities.

Anouk: It's mindfulness in any way, basically.

Keri: Yes. Just really the practice of mindfulness is to bring you back to the present. When we focus on being in the present, there's normally not anxiety or depression because in this exact moment, normally everything is okay. When kids come into my office and say, “I'm so stressed”, I say, “Tell me why”. They're telling me about things that may or may not happen in the future. And I say, “Well, what's going on right now?” So that's why that foundation is so important. And in terms of mental health, we need to make sure our kids are independent. They need to be able to have good boundaries and say, no. They need to be able to deal with disappointment. These are really important for their self esteem. So, those are my mental health foundations that your kids need to be able to say, no, they need to be able to have boundaries. They need to be able to be disappointed. These are normal things that I think sometimes as parents, it's hard to always install with them. One of my favorite ones is, boundaries. When I talk to kids about being able to say no, whether it be to friends or activities or whatever they really don't want to do, and it's burning them out. We always talk about, normally, it's the moms of how much they're saying yes to when they don't want to, and they're burning themselves out. And that's what kids are really seeing. Then, of course it creates a huge issue in the home that the parents are burnt out and a lack of patience and then it is harder to make a healthy dinner and to do everything that you need to do.

Anouk: I honestly can say that I realized at some point when I was working in an office as a social worker, and I was at my desk part of the day. I was drinking more water than when I was at home. It was easier because my bottle was on my desk and I was going in and out of my office, but my bottle was there. At home, I would need a glass of water at ten places in the house to think about drinking that water. So it's not that easy. Probably the easiest of them all, but it's still not that easy.

Keri: It's still not that easy, right? And that's why I wrote a workbook as well, so the kids can really start implementing it. Because at a certain age, parents unfortunately don't really have the control they would like to have. I always tell parents, listen, you know, you can control what they eat in the house because they're not going food shopping. You are. So you do have control over that aspect, but especially as they get older and older and they're out more with their friends, that's a battle you're just not going to win.

Anouk: This is a reality I'm living. I have a child, who would prefer not to eat instead of eating healthy things I have in my house. And he will find a way to eat something else if he needs to. I don't even remember the last time he ate a vegetable. It's total refusal right now. What can parents do in a situation like that when kids are not at all on board with any of those things? Keri: Well, if you have a pickier eater and many kids are just pickier eaters, I always encourage parents to get them involved in the meal prep and the meal planning process. Look at what they do like and try to expand on that into a healthier area. The kids who love chicken nuggets. Okay, great. Can we get them next to eat a chicken cutlet? Because it's pretty similar. So, trying to make easy jumps for them, but also to have some of it in their control. So, okay, what vegetables do you think you might like to try? Do you want to make a smoothie? I love it when kids start cooking as well and start experimenting in the kitchen because they find it to be fun and they're way more likely to eat something that they made, rather than something that's being given to them.

Anouk: Mindfulness, for example, how would you go about starting that with children? Is it easier if you start young?

Keri: Everything is easier if you start young.

Anouk: I've got a four year old and I have teenagers and mindfulness was not something I was aware of when I had my older ones. So, I didn't start when they were young. It's way easier now. My youngest knows how to do deep breathing, for example, but my older ones are just rolling their eyes at me if I talk about that.

Keri: So for the much older ones that have their smartphones… The one good thing about smartphones is that you could add on these apps that have meditation on them. So, if it's an app, they're a little bit more likely to do it, especially when you explain it helps lower anxiety, do it a few nights before bed, see what you think. I also love to do family meditation. I'm like everyone in the living room, let's go 10 minutes. Yes. And we'll all meditate together. I have four children as well so to do it as a family is really important. You can't just tell your kid what to do. You really need to kind of walk the walk. So, if you're telling your child, screen time isn't great. You shouldn't be on your phone all that much. You can't be on your phone all the time either. We have to lead by example. If we're telling our kids to exercise, we need to be exercising. If we're telling them to get outside, we need to be outside.

Establish boundaries for yourself and your kids
Anouk: I think that's a big part of the struggle because we have so much busy life. I think some days that it's very hard to apply all those basics to yourself because it does apply to ourselves as parents also, of course.

Keri: That goes back to parents setting up boundaries for themselves as well. You may not be able to volunteer for 10 different things at your kid's school and that's okay because you have to be putting your selfcare and the care of your children first. So, if you volunteer, if you want to volunteer, that's great, but you can't overload your schedule and you can't overload your kids schedules. It's not healthy.

Anouk: Definitely. And you won't be able to do those things anyway, if you're not taking care of yourself first. And I think that's always something we need to go back to.

Keri: It's become so hard with the schedules and these kids are really over scheduled where almost nobody's having a family dinner anymore. Family dinners are important. It's not only important to connect. The research shows us kids who have family dinners have a healthier weight. They have less drug use. They have better grades in school because they need to sit down and they need to connect and they need to be heard. And of course, then they're also having a nice healthy meal.So, it's a win on every angle. But so many parents will tell me, well, their schedules are crazy. Do their schedules really need to be crazy or are they overscheduled?

Anouk: That's also a basic and foundation question to ask yourself beforehand. I think that's also sometimes one of the reasons for all those meltdowns is because kids are just too tired.

Keri: They're exhausted. I would be exhausted if I did what they did during the day. You know, we have to remember they are in school for a very long period of time. When we hit high school, they especially have a lot of homework. That is a tremendous amount of time spent just on schoolwork. And unfortunately these kids get schoolwork over the weekends. So, they don't even have a weekend off. When we go to work, we normally schedule days off. These kids are not having days off and then add in the clubs and the sports. It becomes exhausting. And, definitely at the high school level, I always say what is the point of doing this? Is it because you like it? Is it because you feel you have to? Where are we at? Because we need to be able to take time for ourselves.

Anouk: This applies both for parents and for kids. The have to and want to is a big one, I think, for parents. If we look at our list of things that we do, there's not much that we do because we want to. Most of them at some point are because we have to do them and that's a problem.

Keri: Because the bigger question is, do you really have to do it or do you just feel like you have to do it? And are you doing things just because everybody else is doing things? When we have eight year olds and travel soccer teams…Is it because they wanna do that? Or is it because we feel like they're falling behind if they're not, traveling every weekend because their friends are all on it.

Anouk: And do they love that? How does it impact our family life and schedule?

Keri: It's too much to try to pack into a day.

Anouk: For parents that are far from the basics with their children right now, and even with themselves right now, where would you start? What would be, the first steps?

Keri: It really depends on each family. But I find that just being able to make a switch from stopping to buy any energy drinks, soda, juice, just have water in your house is one of the easiest steps to take. It requires no money either. You're going to save money by not buying the other stuff, just have water. Most kids, especially now in school, have their own reusable water bottle. That is normally the easiest step to take in order to do something positive. Then the next one is to really be like, okay, at night, what time are we shutting down this house? Everyone should be in their rooms. No devices. Because that's a big one. Your child should not have their device in their room, and I know they're going to fight you on that. So, the earlier you start, the better.

Anouk: That's a hard one. And I would say it probably got way harder since COVID and the use of technology. I think most families lost control of the use of technology during COVID. And the older the kids, the harder it was to take back that control after COVID.

Keri: Absolutely. At some point you're going to have to give up that control. When they're off in college, you have zero say over that. You're done, but while they're in your house and they're younger, they really need their sleep. They can't be on face times till two in the morning on a school night. It's not healthy. And it's also not okay for them to be woken up by a friend's crisis in the middle of the night. They are not a crisis line. When we let our kids have their devices in their room, we are actually putting them in a very bad situation. So many kids are playing crisis counselors on the phone with their friends in the middle of the night. It's not okay. They're not going to handle that.

Anouk: No, definitely not. And that's a big problem for sure. Just that all in itself is a complete episode. Back in the days, we would have the phone ring in the middle of the night, which is not the case now.

Keri: So, and again, parents need to be modeling this. My phone goes on and does not disturb me every single night. And my kids know that. Unless one of them is sleeping out of the house, then I'll leave it on. But besides that, my phone's on Do Not Disturb.

Anouk: My kids and parents are in the emergency section and their phones can go through the Do Not Disturb at all times.

Keri: So, it’s important for parents to be showing their kids I prioritize my sleep. Nobody needs me in the middle of the night.

Anouk: Unless it's a real emergency.

Keri: And then they'll find you.

Anouk: It's back to the basics and it's simple. I would say not necessarily all the time, but going back to water again and sleep, which is a big one, I think. I hear again and again that lots of parents will go to bed late because it's the only time that they can have “me” time, basically. I think that's a big one too.

Keri: That is a big one. And again, that comes back to are you just over scheduled?

Anouk: If you don't have any time in your day to do that, it's probably because you have too much in your day.

Keri: Absolutely. We’ve become so busy and too much pressure on these kids as a society all together and just a really unhealthy lifestyle. And I think that all combined is really leading to the mental health crisis that we are seeing in these kids. I've never seen it this bad in 20 years of my practice. Of course, COVIDdid not help at all. Anyone who was hanging on got pushed right off during COVID.

Mental health support for kids, teens and parents
Anouk: I think in the mental health world, we never really came back out of that. The system and the people in it were on the edge and it just pushed everybody on the other side of the edge.

Keri: It really did. Mental health was not great before COVID and it's horrendous during and even after still.

Anouk: I do remember I was working in the hospital, and I remember at some point it was like, when are people going to go and mental health leave for a few months. It was not even if, it was a when at some point because everybody working there was leaving for a few months because nobody was able to do it anymore with their work and the kids at home. And it was just too much.But I think we all said at that point that we would reevaluate everything, but we came back to normal plus more after it.

Keri: We did. We jumped right back in.

Anouk: The big reflection that everybody was having didn't really last long.

Keri: It didn't. Everyone really enjoyed the downtime and all the family time and the lack of the schedule, and then they just jumped right back in.

Anouk Yes. We didn't do real society change. And so can you tell us a little bit more about the books that you referenced during the episode?

Keri: Yes. Both of my books are on Amazon. I have Mental Health Uncensored, 10 Foundations Every Parent Needs to Know. And that is the book that goes through all the foundations and how to build them up in your house. Then I just came out with my second book, which is Mental Health Uncensored, 10 Foundations Every Teen Needs to Know, and it's a workbook for teens. And it takes them through how to make these changes within a 30 day period. Because if we can get a good habit going for 30 days... We're going to be good to go. So, it helps them track their water consumption. Why do you need the water? That way it's not just the parents telling them all the time why you need this.Why do you need to sleep? Why do you need to eatwell?Why do you need boundaries? And then how to track all of this. It also goes into friendships. And friendship circles.There's different levels of friendship and sometimes it's really hard for kids to understand that not everyone's going to be all in for you and that's okay and normal. So, who's your inner circle? Who's your outer circle? What are your expectations for all of these friends? That way you're not setting yourself up for disappointment. Friendships are really hard for teens. So, thisworkbook was really written for ages 13 and up, but really, parents should be using it too.There's no limit on the age. It really does help you. And the picky eaters as well, I address that in the book too. What do you think you might want to try? What do you think looks like a healthy day for you in terms of eating? I want to give them that power that they're doing it and that they're invested in it.

Anouk: So, I think basically the book for parents is for parents of kids of any age, but then for teens that won't listen to their parents anyway. Put the knowledge in their hands. That's better.

Keri: And they do like owning that and having that power and knowledge and the kids become really proud of themselves when they make these types of changes. Exercise, especially when they get into a good exercise routine, that's just for them. That makes them feel good. They get really proud of themselves.

Anouk: So, before we finish, is there anything you would like to add that we didn't touch on?

Keri: I think my biggest takeaway message is to know that you can feel better. Your kids can feel better. They can have a more stable mood. It really does come back down to foundations. And what you said in the beginning that we're constantly putting out fires is correct. But when we get back down to the foundations, we're going to have less fires coming up.

Anouk: And even if our kids have something else like neurodivergence or trauma or anxiety, It won't all go away, but it will make things easier to deal with.

Keri: It will make everything so much easier.

Anouk: So, it doesn't mean it's a magic trick but it still means it's going to make things easier and then you can also at least take that part out, and you can work on the rest but you have part of it that should be getting better. You have less to deal with.

Keri: What I tell everybody is that there's no way you are going to feel well if you're not eating well, if you're not sleeping, and if you're dehydrated, and if you're not moving your body, it's not going to happen.

Anouk: I can definitely vouch for the fact that if I don't eat, I'm definitely cranky. Like for me, that's an automatic. I need to eat protein three times a day and sometimes more than that because otherwise I have no patience. So dealing with a kid that is in a meltdown when you have no patience because you're hungry, it doesn't go well.

Keri: It doesn't. Not at all

Anouk: Is there any resource that you found helpful in your parenting journey or that you share often with your clients that you would like to share?

Keri: My biggest resource, I think, is that you need to be able to connect with a community of parents. And there are so many online resources, meetups, and Facebook parent groups. You have to build your tribe because we’re in it together. And I think for me especially, that was the most helpful thing. And I've made really great friendships, and we're able to rely on people. I think in the beginning of being a new mom, it's like, Oh, I can't ask someone to give my kid a ride home from school. I could just do it and I could just fit it all in. And it's like, no, just ask for help. We're all in it together. Just ask for the help, build up your tribe. So, you have those people to say, Hey, can you grab my kid today? Hey, can you carpool with me to lessen the load for yourself.

Anouk: I think that's very important and very helpful for sure. And we forget that. We have a very individualized society.

Keri: And it's impossible to do everything on your own.

Anouk: The saying it takes a village to raise a kid… it might be overrated, but it's so true still.

Keri: It really is.

Anouk: So, if people want to work with you, know more about you, where can they find you? On Amazon for your books, but otherwise.

Keri: Amazon for my books or my website has a host of information. It's Keri Cooper holistictherapy.com. And also I'm on Instagram @kericooperholistictherapy.

Anouk: Great. We'll put all the links in the show notes so people can find you easily.

Keri: Great.

Anouk: Thank you very much for being here today. That was great to go back to basics. I definitely think I need to look at your workbook for my own teens.

Keri: Thank you so much. It was so great being here.

Anouk: Thank you.

Resources
Keri’s books mentioned in the episode:

Mental Health Uncensored: 10 Foundations Every Parent Needs to Know

Mental Health Uncensored Teen Workbook: 10 Foundations Every Teen Needs to Know

Get in touch with Keri:

Website: kericooperholistictherapy.com

IG: @kericooperholistictherapy