020 – Tackling Homework Challenges – With Kristin Scott

Anouk:

Welcome to the podcast. Today, we'll talk about something that is the nightmare of so many parents, especially parents of emotionally intense kids, which is homework. I'm sure you live through the nightmare if you have kids that are in school and even if you are homeschooling, working working at home sometimes might feel the same way. So we'll address ways to make it less of a nightmare. And to do so, we are welcoming Kristen Scott. She has a bachelor and master degrees in elementary education. She has been a classroom teacher for 16 years and now 10 plus years as a private, academic tutor. She's married and has 2 boys.

Anouk:

So she has the professional and personal life experience of dealing with the nightmare of homework. So let's whisk welcome Kristen. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on other days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids. Do you read all the things, listen to all the things, take all the courses? And you know all of things about parenting, but you struggle to actually apply them in your real life, then you're in luck. I just started the Parenting the Intensity community, which is a, monthly group support for parents of emotionally intense kids.

Anouk:

And the goal is to exactly that, to take all the information you learn from the podcast and from all the other sources and adapting so that it work for your child and your family, your reality. Because things can work, but not always the same way for everybody. So the same thing might need to be adapted to work for you. And sometimes it's hard to sort through everything to choose the right things that so that you can really enjoy your life and your kids, not always being afraid of the next outburst. You can join by clicking on the link, in the show notes or on the website.

Anouk:

Welcome, Kristen, on the podcast. I'm really glad to you here today because that topic of homework is a hot one for so many parents.

Kristin:

Thank you very much for having me. And I think you're correct. It is a hot topic.

Anouk:

Yeah. It is. And especially, I'm talking to parents of kids that are emotionally intense and the struggle is real. Most of those kids don't do them work peacefully ever.

Kristin:

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Anouk:

So can you introduce yourself a little and explain why you're doing what you're doing?

Kristin:

Of course. Of course. I'm Kristen Scott from Beyond the Classes. I Did my undergraduate work at the University of Maine. I did my graduate work at Northern Arizona University. Both of my degrees are in elementary education. I was a classroom teacher for 16 years, then 10 years as a private academic tutor. I stepped away after 16 years mainly because my 2 children were middle school and high school, and I felt it was important to be a present parent.

Kristin:

My husband travels constantly with his work. He still does. So I felt 1 of us needed to be, you know, available to do whatever. So I ended up volunteering in their schools and doing all kinds of some things while they were going through school. Currently, I coach parents in the area of academic approaches, techniques and strategies for their children regarding I say at home learning. That sounds like homeschooling. It could be, but it's essentially homework. I try to help bridge the gap between the classroom and home because especially the last couple of years, it's it's become a larger gap.

Kristin:

And there's a big struggle there as to how we can get our children to settle down usually to a different type of learning than what they do all day in the classroom Mhmm. At home. And I feel like our parents sometimes struggle with that idea that they should know how their children Should be directed in the homework or maybe they're not involved at all in homework, and their child is struggling. So usually when parents come to me, they have recognized that there's an issue. They do need help, but they think their child needs help. They might be right because this is how this all started. When I was tutoring children and teaching classes, I always with parents. And I was always saying, okay.

Kristin:

So when you go home, keep doing this with your child because this is how he gets it. And then okay. Great. And that just grew into kind of an organic situation where I continue to talk to parents all the time. I find that when I do tutor their children, I'm also tutoring their parents. And then I felt, like, over the last couple of years, that it could reach further. Mhmm. Due to things like Zoom and social media and things like that.

Kristin:

Although I'm actually probably I'm kind of a homegirl, kinda locally based or whatever, I like to accommodate I like to help people. I really do enjoy it. So that's why I do what I do. So I enjoy helping the students and the parents to find their moment, if you will. Whatever they're struggling with, we find all kinds of different ways to get there. You know? There's so many different ways to get there, And that's what I do. I'm just sort of a segue. I'm just sort of the little the entry level, hopefully, where I can turn the light on, and then they can take it from there.

Anouk:

Yeah. And I love what you're saying. You said to parents, continue to do this that way at home. And I think that's very key because oftentimes we know the child is supposed to learn, but there's so many ways to learn, and it's very hard to find. And it's not all teachers students that are aware of that and that cater to their students that way.

Kristin:

Correct.

Anouk:

So just Yes. For a starter, it's still agree with

Kristin:

some agree with that. You know? And a lot of people have different styles. I think the fact that I'm a mom, of 2 boys. You know? I and and having a teaching degree, having a master's degree, I I'm always in I've just always been in that industry, and things just kinda flow naturally. But my 2 kids are different. I have 2 different learners. You know? They're very different. 1 is very type a and more emotional.

Kristin:

The second is very reactive not proactive. And and he'll just get to it when he's ready. And so I probably had to some. How are we gonna do this one? And what worked for both of them so that they could find success, and they both are successful young adults, and, you know, life is good. So It does it does take work. I do feel like maybe the frustration with parents comes when they feel like they should always know the answers because we're the mamas and the papas. We always should protect our babies. We always have the right answer, and we don't always have the right answer.

Kristin:

And I do applaud everyone for listening today, All your listeners, really, because that tells me that they're trying. You know? They're they're trying to find some help, and that's number 1. You know? Number 1 is saying, what else is out there? How can I get some assistance with this? I wanna share some ideas with people. What are you doing, you know, that helps you with your child? I noticed that you're not struggling with that, situation anymore. What did you do? So I I just Listen. I ask people. I'm pretty open in the beginning as far as tell me why you're here. Tell me what you need.

Kristin:

Tell me what you think you need. Tell me what your child is doing. Do we have diagnoses behind this? What are you trying to get to? What are your teachers telling you? Have you, you know, have you sought any other self help.

Anouk:

And, like, I think just, like, you're asking many question. I don't think most of us as parents know the answer to lots of those question when we start. We do homework because we need to do homework. It's just something that we need to and I'm saying we do homework. We support our kids doing homework. Correct. School. Correct.

Kristin:

Be correct. I understand the book report at 11 o'clock the night before. But yes.

Anouk:

Exactly. And and I think that's part of the problem. But, like, we we think we we have to do that. And we were talking a bit before, and you were talking about the fact that we're not told, we're not trained as parent. Nobody learned to be a parent, but then the child gets in school, and then we are expected to know how to supporting in all the different things they do in school.

Kristin:

That's it. I think because we support them in all that they do in life, we are their you know, we are the clear bubble over our children. We are the overall protected. However, I will say this, that I there's so many industries I I am clueless about. I could never, you know, help my own child medically If it were an injury to a a great degree Mhmm. Because I'm not a nurse. I would need to go to the doctor. I need to go to the hospital and find a doctor or a nurse that knows about medicine.

Kristin:

And believe it or not, there's a difference. Teachers are trained professionals. They've gone to school for 4 to 6 to 8 years to learn about methods To reach your child. You know, we learn about methods to reach children. We don't just study social studies and sciences and things like that. We learn about ways to Literally, I mean, we just learn how to present it to your children, hopefully, in about 4 to 5 different ways in the classroom. Mhmm. You know, you should be doing a visual.

Kristin:

There should be an there needs to be a hands on activity with this lesson. They need to be moving. A lot of our kids are movers and shakers. Their body needs to move. After 10 to 15 minutes, if that little body is not moving, then they're probably not listening anymore. So we need that. You know, there's always some form of assessment. That's a Scary word for people because it's always a multiple choice test or an essay.

Kristin:

It shouldn't be like that anymore. There's so many ways to Make sure that a child actually understands a concept.

Anouk:

Yeah. True.

Kristin:

Testing them. Because testing creates stress. You know, we don't need to do that to our kiddos.

Anouk:

And we perform less because we're stressed.

Kristin:

Yes. I mean, I was a teacher that didn't use a red pen. Right. I had, you know, the colorful pens. When I'd say to the kiddos, what color are we using today? When they think, oh, well, let's get the purple one. Okay. So what's wrong with that? You know? Or a pink highlight or something It wasn't so threatening as that red pen that says see me after class. That stuff doesn't need to be like that.

Kristin:

I hope it isn't like that anymore, But it could be. But, you know, really we're really talking about once they get home, if we think about what they've been doing for 6 and a half to 7 hours a day, they've been in a fairly structured environment. And I'm not saying that teachers aren't good. I'm a 100% pro teacher. I support my colleagues. However, I do know that some people are stronger in this area than other people, And some children need different things during the day than than other children, but you do have to find that norm about how you can teach true lessons. So for some kiddos, it might be too much sitting. They might need to get home.

Kristin:

They might need to just decompress, And that's what mom and dad see. It's like, are you kidding? Now they're going and and really not. They're just telling you that I've had enough of that day, and the rest of my day needs to look feel like something else.

Anouk:

Yeah. Different. Because I've had enough of being sitting down. And what you're also, we we are expected to to be teachers. But then we're not teachers. Socially, we're expected to do those those homework with our kids and be able to sport them in their homework, but nobody told us how to do that. We didn't got the teachers training to do that, but suddenly we're expected to do that with so many other things. And I work with I've worked a lot with families of medically complex kids, and they have to do nurse work at home.

Anouk:

They find themselves being nurses all the time for their children. And did they do have some trainings, but not like, it's not their job still. And I think it's the same for parents. We're not teachers, so our job is not to replicate at home what was done at school. Right?

Kristin:

And I think too because people feel, you know, I'm an adult. I'm, you know, I'm 35 years old. I'm not. But let's just say, fantastic. You know, I should know this. And I've heard this over and over where these mamas of 4th 5th grade kiddos say, I had to teach my daughter 3 ways of division last night, and I can't do it. What's wrong with me? And I said, well, it's not you. Some I can't remember and and they equate it with, I'm intelligent, and you and you are.

Kristin:

They are. Mhmm. To, I can't help my kid with math. You know, what is going on here? And then the divide grows even larger.

Anouk:

And I think that's very interesting because there's that social expectation that is on our kids too, that intelligence equal being good at school. Correct.

Kristin:

Correct. Correct.

Anouk:

And that leads into our parenting too. If we're not able to support our kids, we're dumb, which makes no sense. That is the

Kristin:

main Right. Our parents and and that's where I think parents feel like failures, and then they get frustrated. And then they just try to Almost do it, you know, for them. Like, leave the horse to water, and they're trying to make him drink. Listen. We're gonna get this done. We've got 30 minutes, and then we have to move on. Something.

Kristin:

More things to do or whatever, and it becomes more of a struggle between the child and the parent. And unless it's just calm down, becomes more of a comfort zone. A situation where you are investing in your child, not just spending that time with your child. You're investing. If you got 30 minutes to work, you wanna feel like This is 30 minutes of growth. This is 30 minutes well spent where my child is going to come away with something that will help them for the next skill to the next level instead of we just have to get this done. We've got practice later on. Check the box.

Kristin:

Throw it in your backpack and get ready for tomorrow. I mean, I can get it. It happens. Well, yeah, I'm a parent too, and there have been times when I've done the same thing as I've been able to step away from being a a parent, a present parent. My kids are grown and launched. It's much easier to now look at the picture from outside the picture frame. Right? Where I look back and I say, oh, if I'd only done that, this would've happened. But and I I sort of leave myself to that when I deal with other people and talk about their kiddos.

Kristin:

Then it's like, when I had this situation? Do it like this. You know? Tell her this, this, this, and hold her accountable for this. Her responsibility, But you will hold her accountable. So those 2 steps need to go. I have lots of little builder skills, I will say, that talk about time management. The nighttime routine. Making a nighttime routine doesn't have to be 15 steps, just a few little nuggets that ensure tomorrow morning will be smooth. School.

Kristin:

To go out the door in the morning with a happy child. You don't want to send an upset child to school. So there's all kinds of things that we can do, and I promise they're comfortable. If we just sort of Step back, and this is really one thing that I say a lot. Take a step back. Think about what's already in your home. Think about your learning environment. You know? Seriously, for children that have sensitivity issues, bright lighting is a problem.

Kristin:

Sometimes white light is just school. Right. They can't settle with that. If you have a kiddo that's coming home with rocks in their pockets, things from the playground, they're probably a tactile style. They want to feel things that are comfortable. They probably take off their jeans. They're done for the day, and they're in a pair of sweatpants, right, for the rest of the day. You're like, oh, no.

Kristin:

He's already, you know, ready for bed. Now I've gotta get homework. But, no, not at all. He just wants to go to a place that's not stressful or makes him think he's having to think. You know? Let let them get comfy. And my point with my program is we need to identify what your child's learning style is. And I will say most parents probably think they know. They'll say, oh, I know my kid.

Kristin:

I know my kid. This is it. But this is what I would recommend, and I make no money from recommending any product. Okay? Just let that be clear. But I do recommend reading I have a book just propped in front of me, the 5, 5 love languages of children, and it's by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Mhmm. I would say to any parent that is struggling, please read this book. First of all, the title might throw people off.

Kristin:

Oh, love, you know, all that stuff. That's not what we're talking about. We're really not. We're talking about how to communicate with your child and how they best receive information. So it's kind which hole do I pour the water in? Right? You need to figure out which one you need to pour the water into. So if you read this, I would say there are 5 different styles. Read the whole book. It's worth it.

Kristin:

It's not a heavy read. It's a great read. And don't just pick the area that you think your child qualifies for. Don't just say, oh, I know he's a very tech dollar. I'm gonna go to this section. Because you may find that as you read this, you surprise yourself and say, oh my goodness. He does this too. I think he's got 2 learning styles, which is very possible, Or even 3 where you could reach them 2 or 3 different ways, but you might be trying to reach them in the wrong way after you read this book.

Kristin:

No wonder we're not getting this done. He doesn't really receive this well. He's not really open to this, and he doesn't even know it. Children don't know what their learning style is. They just are.

Anouk:

Yeah. Of course. Of course. And can we can we rewind a little, and can you just explain a bit what our learning styles for parents who might not be very com and think we

Kristin:

Sure.

Anouk:

We all heard of, like, visual and auditory, but it's more complex than that.

Kristin:

It is, actually. So if you really, take a look at this book, but I'm gonna read a couple of them. So the first, learning style would be physical touch. So that one is the easiest, the most where your kiddo really gets reinforcement by you putting your arm around them, you know, tapping them on the head saying, good job, buddy. A little squeeze. Or even while you're learning, High fives, knuckles, things like that, that you're physically in the same space. It also might be something like, you know, they might wanna make a tent over the dining room table, And they might love being in there. And guess what? If that's where they wanna be, join them.

Kristin:

Take your book in there at night with a flashlight and read for your 20 minutes and just physically be where they are. And it's okay to you know what? His feet are here, and you might just tap him a little bit or whatever. But just let them know you're physically close. And a lot of kiddos, I think that's very, very someone. So and the book will tell you that is the most common one. And then words of affirmation. Everyone likes to be praised, you know, but some kids don't hear it. Some kids are just too busy onto the next thing.

Kristin:

So if you've got a mover and a shaker, he's looking for physical. He wants to feel things and do things. He's not listening to your words. So when you say great job, buddy, he probably didn't even hear it. But there are kids that need that. You know? They need like, when you're finished, you need to say, listen. I know that was tough today, but you worked so hard. I am so proud of you.

Kristin:

School. Be okay. Well Yeah. Even though it was difficult, they know I worked hard. That really helped me. You know? Just let them know that they're part of a team and that you're not the director of the program. Because a lot of times, that's the way kids do it. You do this.

Kristin:

You do this. You do this. We have to get out the house. So you're directing the circus. You know? Director. You kinda need to be in it with them. You need to be a part of it. So family is a team, and everyone has a role.

Kristin:

So Mhmm. Another one would be quality time, And that speaks for itself. We do and when your child's standing next to you saying, mom, will you play a game with me? Mom, can we do this? And you say, in a minute, in a minute, and you never get to it. Right? Your kiddo was looking for some quality time. Even if you're in the car driving to school, You know, don't turn the radio on. Have a conversation. Say, I I am so excited about your play on Friday. I cannot wait to come.

Kristin:

Whatever it is, connect with them somehow. Or you know what, sweetie? I put something special in your lunchbox today. Take a peek when you get there or talk about the book you read last night. I know we read chapter 3. Can why don't you give me a real quick recap of what chapter 3 is like? But just communicate with your kiddo, but spend time together. Like, you're in the car, and they need to know that you see them in the See. You can make even the car time. Even 15 minutes on the way to school can be so valuable.

Kristin:

And I think because we're always in a hurry, we're trying to think about the next thing. We're trying to make sure everyone's on time. We don't take time to do that, but it's a really easy time For you to make a big difference in your kiddos' day.

Anouk:

I love that you're talking about just by transit time because often it's hard on our days. Like, we get back late from work or school, and

Kristin:

Right.

Anouk:

We have lots of things to do. And that's also another question. Do we need to do all those things? But when we have a schedule and it's hard to do and sometimes, like, I just don't have that time to take the 15 minutes. It's building it in ways that we already are doing seeing other things. 100%. Even chores can be done as as time together if it's done not to get rid of the chores, but as an family activity, for example.

Kristin:

Exactly. You know, if somebody has, you know, folding laundry as their their chore it's one of their chores, you know, maybe just pop in there for a quick 3 or 4 minutes, fold a couple shirts, have a little bit of a 1 on 1 conversation that pertains to only your child and not the whole family and not the other kids, not whatever. But that is the other thing I would say is and you brought up a very good point. We really need to step backwards, take it down one level, And think about how we can work it into our our everyday life as it already is. We don't need to bring on another style to help them with their skills. Oh, unless you're gonna build that into your homework time already. But I would say, don't bring on another something. If your child's struggling in math, Let's talk about candy bar fractions.

Kristin:

I mean, you can break candy bars into fractions. Right? We can do it, and it's fun for them. We can do baking. You can do categorization categories with beads. And then after you do that, you can make a pattern. You can string them on a pipe cleaner And make art if your child is that tactile child. So there's stuff that's in your house already, ways that you probably just didn't realize say, if we're struggling with addition let's just say addition. Do you have dice in your house? Make a game.

Kristin:

Get a sticky note. Make 2 columns. Roll the dice ten They have to add. Right? And whoever ends up with the highest score, that's great. Or playing cards or things that are just right there at your fingertips That you can just work into the situation. Put scrabble pieces on your table so that if you're hanging out talking to somebody, your kiddo might do spelling words right there. I mean, you can work that in. Speedy, go grab your list.

Kristin:

You can work on those while we chat. Or while dad and I do this, and they can be with you to do things like that. Where I think we can if we just really did look at our 10 to 15 minute time periods where we think that, oh, that's wasted space. I've gotta go here and here. I'm losing time today. You're not really losing time if you plan properly, But you have to kind of plan it. Your your child's not gonna plan that. They're not gonna say, hey, mom.

Kristin:

Let's do my book review in the car on the way to school to use our time efficiently. Right? Seeing But you have to come up with that. But that that's another part of creating the structure for your child, but allowing flexibility within the structure. Sure. So the structures like the outer 4 walls of your house, that's going to stand. We are going to have a homework time every day. I will be doing some work with you every day because I wanna sure you and I are on the same page. However, if it's 15 minutes in the car on the way to practice and it's another 15 minutes after you take your shower, That's okay.

Kristin:

We still got our 30 minutes. So it's like that. You're outside of your house is the structure. The inside of your house, the rooms, decorate as you need to. Right? Figure out how you can make it work, however that day looks. I love consistency for kiddos, like, after dinner time. I like a little routine there. I think it calms the day, But that may not be your world.

Kristin:

You may just need to say, we don't calm down until everyone's in bed. Okay. Well, then you need a little something somewhere that tells you what every child needs to accomplish for the day and how you're gonna help Mhmm. So so let me get back to those learning styles. So number 4 would be gifts. And I don't mean necessarily buying gifts all the time, but you have a kiddo that Makes artwork for you, draws pictures for you,

Anouk:

the colors flowers and rocks all the time.

Kristin:

Yes. I got yeah. I find rocks in my house A lot. We have little grandkids and and they show up a lot. So little things like that. Little things they build for you on the outside of your patio that you found After they went back home or something like that, which is really sweet. They want to do for you. Those are your doers, and and we do need to recognize and because they they have a real soft heart.

Kristin:

They're givers. And so that's how we can just know that that's their their way to receive. So if you approached them. Like, saying, hey. You know something? Let's you and I take special time to go and paint some rocks or just something special. Just give them back a little time. But product. And again, that that kinda qualifies for the qual quality of time, things like that.

Anouk:

Yeah. But, that's great. I I used to do that. My daughter is being on 1 of my daughters being on a gift. And when I went by to work, at some point, she was struggling with me being away, and I was drawing something and giving it to her. So it it it's not like and I'm really bad. She's better than I am. She always has been better than I am.

Anouk:

She really is an artist, which I'm not an artist this way. But it was just like we are exchanging drawings, basically.

Kristin:

Right.

Anouk:

So one day, I would give him 1, and then she would give me 1. And that way we would give gifts, but it didn't cost anything.

Kristin:

But Exactly.

Anouk:

Paper and pen behind.

Kristin:

Yeah. And that's from the heart, and that's that's just something That's just their way of giving and receiving. I will say this too. And this is in the book. Like, if you have a parent that travels a lot, so sometimes maybe that parent might bring back a little something. There's a something special that your daughter collect you know, would collect. Maybe Yeah. Spoons or maybe a little stuffed animal or maybe it's a magnet from each place or whatever, and it's a small little something.

Kristin:

That gift is totally fine and appropriate because it allows that child to realize that while my dad was away or my mom was away, they were thinking about me.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Kristin:

And when they bring it back, then the child has that visual as well. I mean, the actual a tactile product, but can also see it. And that emotion goes to that object. Like, okay. My dad went to Australia. When while he was there, he thought of me because he he picked up this magnet for me, or My dad went to Florida on a on a business trip. And while he was there, he went to his old college, and he brought back something from there because he wanted to share that with me. So things like that, make a difference.

Kristin:

And the last 1 would be acts of service. And This is more like your kiddo wanting to please you as far as, hey, mom. I did the dishes for you. And things like They they need they want to be recognized by being the doers. Right? The the doers and the shakers. And and we need to recognize them for being the doers and the shakers. But realize that when you're trying to connect with that person again, that's their thought process. They feel good doing something for you, so let them feel good doing something for you.

Kristin:

Some It's really important that we work on a schedule for you for your nighttime routine. Would you do me a favor and think about the 4 or 5 things that you really feel need to happen at night. Let them let them be the person to bring it to you. Although you know in your mind what You need to have them too. It's all about the approach. Remember? So so let them think they made the decisions or at least brought you ideas, and That will help them to feel more meaningful in making the decision, and they buy into it. If they thought they're part of it or they created it, They're gonna do it more than you and I saying, I made you a list of 15 things. Of course.

Kristin:

I want you to check it off every night, and that's gonna last for not even the night. They're not gonna wanna do that.

Anouk:

It's never gonna work.

Kristin:

And then it's gonna be a worse battle. So anyway, this so though, I would say that back to my 5 love languages, I definitely think that's the place to start For people, you know, that are maybe already struggling, and I don't know what to do. Now I'm searching for I'm listening to okay. Go grab this book. You can get it on Amazon. Mhmm. You can I I bought mine in the bookstore? Actually, when I ordered 3 in the bookstore, and I loan them out to friends or people that, you know, need some help, and they bring it back. It's like a library checkout system.

Anouk:

Yeah. And I'm sure it exists in audio format for probably on Audible. Yeah. And I'm sure it exists that way for the listeners here. And I know I'm not that I don't have a lot of time to read, so I prefer listening to podcasts for that reason. But books can be read in audio format. Yeah.

Kristin:

You bet. Yeah.

Anouk:

No. That's also an option. So we just say that when you have a child that is struggling with work and it's hard, just wanna recap a little, like, finding ways to do them differently, basically, is the answer.

Kristin:

Yes. It's the answer. It is. And and Because you've been trying so many other way. You know? You've tried everything you know. Right? You you tried the and here's the thing. We don't try the way that we learned. Yeah.

Anouk:

We right?

Kristin:

This is how my parents school. I'm gonna do it with my child. We don't live in the same world. Right? Technology is everywhere. Social media is everywhere. I used to say this to my parents when I I was teaching quite a while ago. I said, I cannot compete with your child's video games. I'm not nearly as animated, and my head doesn't spin, I don't have 4 to 5 different notifications behind me.

Kristin:

You know, even if you watch the news

Anouk:

Changing background.

Kristin:

Things are staying. There's weather in the corner. We've got a, like, a tracker up top. We've got noise in the background. We've got another person over here. There's really if you watch the news, there's 4 to 5 or maybe more Different stimuli on that screen at every single moment.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Kristin:

But we don't focus on one thing anymore. It's it's just an overload, And I think we need to narrow that down for our kiddos and make it simple. And we think it's another job to do, and it's not. Step back a little bit and kind of like a funnel. Bring it down to simplicity. Think about what we're missing here. What's the struggle? How can I approach this differently? What do they enjoy? How do they receive their information the best? How do they learn the best? And how can we work together the best? But be flexible. As a parent, you need to bend a little bit because, remember, your child's gone to work for and a half to 7 hours.

Kristin:

Right? And they're still children. So we assume that because we process something a certain way, That they can process it the same way as well. And our brain's not fully developed until we're, what, mid twenties. Mhmm. So they're not even capable sometimes of processing what we expect them to process. Yeah. So it's really important, right, that we kind of lay out, and it doesn't have to be a whole dissertation. It just needs to be a couple simple little sentences and inviting environment.

Kristin:

You know, invite them into, hey, buddy. You know something? I have 15 minutes before we do whatever, and I put that brain quest in the back of the card. Do you see it right there? Let's do some trivia. Or if it's homework, let's go over your spelling words. You know, you might have that child that That's more for kiddos that can a little more visual and auditory. A lot of kids these days are very tactile. They really do need to touch and move and do things. So you wanna find ways for them to use their body, you know, whether it's the shaving cream on a cookie sheet and the spelling words in there or There's so many different ways.

Kristin:

You know, scrabble pieces on a table are so easy, and you can check those off as you go. And it doesn't have to be a designated Homework, 30 minutes. Nobody else in the house move. We need absolute silence. It kinda needs to happen as life goes around you. You know? Yeah. Yeah. So invite that To be kind of part of what we all do.

Kristin:

And you know what? I'm gonna have 15 minutes for Sam. Okay. You guys, you take care. You go get your shower or whatever, then give those 15 minutes. If they know that you designated specifically for them, they're gonna buy into it more than if you just say, listen, buddy. I need to get stuff. We've got stuff to do Yeah. Helping anyone.

Kristin:

But it happens because parents get tired, and they really do I have to finish my list. I've got to do what My children all need this. And if I check it off, I've done it. Mhmm. We really

Anouk:

If, for example, you have kids that have been fighting work for a while. I guess it might be hard to say, like, we're gonna do things differently, then the kids won't necessarily be on board because they have a very negative association where the word Right. Work Yes. And the the concept of doing homework Exactly. Would you stop doing them for a while, or would you have any transition suggestion for for

Anouk:

this situation?

Kristin:

Obviously, you know your child struggles if you have the struggle with them. Right. You're trying to get something done, and it's not happening. So I think if you can again, I'm always about taking a step back. But if you can just kind of deflate the situation so that's not Escalating and being a struggle. And just say, what is it about this that, makes you feel uncomfortable? Mhmm. What is it about this that you don't like? Help help me understand what I can do. So let's just say, for example, your kid comes home from school at the end of the day.

Kristin:

They should have a homework folder. They might need time for snack. They might need to watch a little TV, roll around, just deprogram whatever it is. But then you need to meet them before it gets to be after dinner. Right? Mhmm. Kinda go into their space a little bit in the living room and say, okay. Let's talk about your day real quickly. 5 minute time out.

Kristin:

Turn off the TV or whatever. Tell me what you tell me what you know, go get your homework folder or tell me what your homework looks like. All I have to do is such and such and such. And then your next question is, how can I help you? Because we don't ever say that. We don't say, how can I help you? We say, alright. Let's go. And we sit down, and we start doing it the way we think it should be done. Mhmm.

Kristin:

And you just need to say to them, How can I help you? And they may say, well, if you can read the words to me and then I spell them out loud, then that will that would be good. Or I didn't get a good grade on whatever in my math today, and I I don't know how to do it. Say, okay. Let's let's lay it out. Let's look and see. Tell me what the teacher did. Well, she wrote on the board, then she had us do a game, and then we did whatever. Okay.

Kristin:

Well, maybe that didn't workout. So you wanna do something maybe more physical. Again, dice, cards. You can use a cribbage board and have a race. I mean, simple little things that you really can come up with spur of the moment. You have to let them know that you understand they are struggling. You don't have to use the word struggling because they don't feel good when, snow. You know, it's like an adult tells them they're struggling.

Kristin:

Oh, I'm less than. I'm not worthy. But just say, I understand this can be hard for you. We always in life, we will always find things that are difficult for us, but we're problem solvers, so let's figure out how to solve the problem. What is it you need me to help you with today? Well, I don't know how to divide. Okay. Let's look at you what you brought home. Let's see what we have here, And then you think about this or maybe it's I need to work on my multiplication.

Kristin:

Mom, go get some little paper plates. Go get your M and M's. Make them all the same color. Don't put those multicolored in there. That's another stimuli. And just say 3 times 2. Three plates, 2 M and M's. Count them all.

Kristin:

It's 6. That was fun. And at the end of the activity, maybe you do that several times. You write it down, and you eat them. Exactly. So they feel like they got a little satisfaction after doing it, some to use their hands. Right? And it was something that was right there at home, and it wasn't a whole here's a paper. Here's a pen.

Kristin:

For some kids, Black and white fight. And that sounds crazy, but it's the black print on a white paper. Sometimes it's just hard to look at. You can get a colored overlay, Those little pocket folders. You can cut them and lay them over it, and it just dulls the color like a there's a peach color.

Anouk:

Contrast is less intense then.

Kristin:

So there's we don't really know what's Overstimulating them. Mhmm. And we need to just try some things to kinda bring down the situation. And sometimes it is something like that, like checking your lighting, making sure that they're in a comfortable situation. They wanna work on the living room floor. Work on the living room floor if that's where you have success. Now if they're rolling around having a tantrum and they're totally distracted, then you need a different approach. Right? But that's what we're talking about today.

Kristin:

So we have to figure out how it is they best learn, What's their style and how you can provide that style with things that are most likely right in your own home. Mhmm. Mhmm,

Anouk:

and some kids have more struggle. And, for example, they're expected to do 30 minutes of homework, but the amount of homework they have doesn't fit in that twenty 30 minute at all. Like, it takes and I I was one of those kids. Like, it takes 2 hours to do the same. And, yeah, there's part of it that is the fighting and procrastination because we don't wanna. We're afraid of not being able to. There's many reason for it. But Right.

Anouk:

I've heard for from some teachers that it's better to send that school in at school not done and do just 30 minutes then to go up to 2 hours and send it back done because then the teacher doesn't know that there's a problem.

Kristin:

Yeah. And so I guess I would say, and you just about hit on it right there, I think that's a conversation. That's where you call the teacher, make an appointment, and you go in, and you can take your child with you if you want to during I'm all about including the child. It's, You know, it's their Mhmm. It's their school. I mean, their situation, their work. Or if you feel you need an adult conversation to kind of maybe figure out some strategies and Then then just don't include your child the 1st time, but then Yeah. Plan to bring them back for a conversation.

Kristin:

And I would say, okay. Help me out here. This is not a 30 minute activity at And when he does settle down to the table, we are working on this work together, or we are sitting together. I am helping him. We are reading, but it's not Making sense or he's not understanding. And then the teacher will tell you, okay. Well, this is what I do see at school as well, or I did see that at school. And when I did this with him, he was able to work better under this situation.

Kristin:

So I definitely think that communication is key. I just involve about working with the teacher if possible. And I think they would say to you, like, okay. Let's let's do what you can. Yeah. Do send it back to me. I will be able to see, and we need to figure out how we can bridge that gap, make that work. Everyone's different, so it's really hard to tell, especially what the What the subject is, what the content is.

Kristin:

So this is something people probably don't know. So the jump from 3rd grade to 4th grade It's very large, and you would never think that thinking my kiddo eased right in there. Not a big change. They grew a lot. We had to buy new clothes, but, oh, well. It's really, really difficult because Kindergarten through 3rd grade is called primary school, and you learn all of the skills on how to read, The phonics of everything about how to read, how to pronounce letters. The the first of all, there are symbols. Symbols are letters.

Kristin:

The symbols make sounds. You put the symbols together. They make more sounds. You put them in a sentence. They make a thought. You put them in a paragraph. They make an idea. You put them in a story or a chapter in a social studies book or whatever, and there's an entire concept.

Kristin:

School. There are tiny little steps there that have to take place. If that's not strong from in my 3rd grade, this is where we see a lot of the struggles, honestly. And I taught 4th grade for Almost my entire career, my teaching career, and and I totally understand this. In 4th grade through the rest of your life, you will be reading to learn information. Mhmm. Mhmm. You don't have a strong foundation by the time you leave 3rd grade.

Anouk:

Everything is a struggle.

Kristin:

Everything is a struggle. Struggle. Because you're reading this paragraph that you're not really a great reader. You you can say it. You can decode the words. You sound like you're a great reader. But if you can't go back and tell somebody what that said and understand it, then you are really not reading it. And that is really where a lot of kids don't understand because they'll say, I read it.

Kristin:

I did it. I did it for 20 minutes. They told me to read the chapter. I read the chapter. But did they totally understand the chapter? No. And that's probably where a lot of the things like what you're talking about. Like, it doesn't take us 30 minutes. It's 2 hours.

Kristin:

Mhmm. The retention or the comprehension, I should say, It's probably not as strong as it should be. And so getting those k through 3 reading skills cemented is key. Mhmm. And COVID did not help anybody. We've got 2 years in between there where especially those kiddos that were first, 2nd, 3rd graders Mhmm. Didn't get the 1 on 1 learning to read, although they did have school, but it was online. And so That's what we're starting to see a lot of the gaps now are those 4th 5th graders and 6th graders because they missed a lot of content, but they also missed a lot of skills That they're expected to automatically know right now.

Anouk:

Yeah. And I think that could be, as we said, an entire other podcast because Yeah. We didn't change the program once we go we went back. And I think nobody anywhere changed the program. We just keep go kept going, but without really catching up on

Kristin:

doing anything. Right. Yep. The expectations stayed the same. Yeah. And a lot of it has to do with What teachers have to get done for the year, you know, to Uh-huh. It's it there's just so many guidelines. It's too much.

Kristin:

It's too much. And nobody Yeah. It could take the time to take a step back and say, okay. We're gonna learn, you know, this foundational concept, but it's gonna take us 3 weeks, but we're gonna do this. There isn't a classroom in In the world. Well, in the US, anyway, that would say, we're gonna take 3 weeks off and step back and then start over to that 6 weeks lost.

Anouk:

Yeah. I I I time. I didn't hear any country doing that on an organized level. I would need to I I'm curious. I would need to look further into that. But, yeah, definitely, that was an added stressor. And I think also for lots of families, that period was a we lost control over screens cognitive during that period for most kids because they had to be the it was the only way to learn and connect with the world. And so a screen took way more space in our life, during that period.

Anouk:

And so I think that's Yeah. Also a problem because it was very and I have older kids, and they were tween on during COVID. And then at the age they had, it's hard to go back and remove screen much more than it is to have it.

Kristin:

Oh, it it is. And, you know, our society doesn't encourage doing that. Right? The technologist just keeps going further and further and further. Snow. Definitely do think the screens were difficult. So do so think about you know, our child learned on the screen for a year to a year and a half. Mhmm. And now they're expected to go back, And and read a textbook, you know, which is black and white and dull and nothing and whatever.

Kristin:

And they're just used to having A lot of our programs are well, they are academic. There's some really good academic programs out there. Our kids go to the computer lab when they're little, and they get to do math games. And that's wonderful. They're learning how to use a keyboard, how to control a computer, but they're also learning a skill. I would definitely say that is a great thing. However, think about the stimulus. Think about, you know, the dancing bears and the little numbers that drop and the noises that happen on that screen.

Kristin:

And then think about when you hop into, let's say, 4th grade. Right? Because I'm experienced in that area specifically, and you get to look at black and white work. It's boring. It's boring. And, honestly, they're looking at it, but they're not they're not absorbing it Because it's not dancing, singing, and make you know? It's just something so the skill is different. They're not ready for it, and they should be, but because we had some issues that happen. That happens anyway a lot of times in 4th grade. That's, like, just that jump from 3rd to 4th It's a it's a big one.

Kristin:

And so a lot of times, there's issues anyway. Another thing I would say if we have a minute or two to do this is Yeah. Parents pay attention to birth order. Birth order is interesting because think about this. You have your 1st child. You have Everything to offer that child. That child has everything to look at. We're gonna expose them to all of the wonderful sounds toys.

Kristin:

We're teaching them. We're everything that they do, we notice Every little everything because we're presenting it to them, and we're doing everything with them. Let's say 2 years later, you have another child.

Anouk:

You don't have that time.

Kristin:

The 2nd child get a 100% of your time? No. It does not. Right? Never. When they get older let's say you've got a 5 year old and a 3 year old, and the 3 year old is where? Right behind the 5 year old. The 5 year old is doing, seeing, exploring, and making decisions for himself, and the 3 year old is behind going, he turned left. I'm going with him. I'll just go this way. Yeah.

Kristin:

Right? Oh, he picked up the ball. I'll pick up the ball. The 3 year old doesn't think, Why do I wanna pick up the ball? I want to pick up that ball. They don't explore as much. So if you do have those kiddos that are kind of close in age, Then I would just say, try really hard to give those kiddos that are not your firstborn their own exploratory situations where they can learn to make decisions on their own, and they can process information. They can explore. They just need to be able to to look, to see, to make a decision, and and develop those skills. So if you're having issues with your kiddos, and it happens to be more so with, like, number 2, number 3, think about what their view looks like.

Kristin:

Is it the back of their sibling something ahead of them? Yeah. Or are they getting to see their own world?

Anouk:

Their own world, their own little person, and they're they can develop their own interest and not just following the bigger sibling.

Kristin:

Exactly. Yes.

Anouk:

Interesting. And they might be they will have their only other experience, other learning styles, other struggles and

Kristin:

Right.

Anouk:

It's not gonna work the same. And we also, as parent 10, too, if it works with the first one, we're gonna do the same thing. Right? Which why it worked?

Kristin:

A 100%. And keep in mind that too, the 2nd child, you know, their learning style is maybe what they think it should be because what they have seen. Right? So they've adapted to that because it's what they think they should be doing. That's what the older child does. But their brain really wants to do it another way. And so now they might be this way, and sometimes we say, oh, that child, very scattered. Well, I don't know if they're very scattered. It's more like a coping scale.

Kristin:

They they sort of they're usually doing it like this because that's how their their older sibling has done it or their parents expect it. But yet they see this over here, and that's really probably how they would learn if they had their own opportunity. So we do need to open up those avenues a little bit more To all of our kiddos to say, you know, you show me how you would like how do you wanna do your spelling words today? And they might say, what do you mean? School. You can write them on a piece of paper. We can use some scrabble tiles. We can put, shaving cream on a cookie sheet. You can use

Anouk:

your dinner. They can choose or try different things and what they love weather.

Kristin:

Playing outside, go grab a stick. Let's do it right now. We don't have to take 15 minutes inside. I've got the list right here. Let's, You know, let's just do it for fun, or let's just do something different today. But notice what they navigate towards. Because if they're always stepping away from the pen and paper and the table kind of situation and headed towards something that's really more physical. That's how they learn.

Kristin:

So you do want to try to create those, situations for them. Mhmm.

Anouk:

And, personally, all day, homeschooling resource was helpful because in the homeschooling world, you have a lot of those different ideas.

Kristin:

Yes.

Anouk:

And I find that really inspiring even. I homeschool per moments in my children's curriculum, but not all the way. School. And I still use some of those homeschooling tips or tip techniques when I was not homeschooling because for homework. It's really all useful for sure.

Kristin:

Absolutely.

Anouk:

Because I'm I'm personally, and I'm sure I'm not alone, not someone will have those ideas by myself. Psych

Kristin:

listen. Again, it's a great resource. Right? I mean, you can collaborate with other people, talk about how things can look and what and then sort of Present it to your child and then watch and see how they what they do with it, you know, which is kind of cool. I I mean, learning happens everywhere, snow. That people need to realize that. You know? It's not just, Monday through Friday when the kids are in school. They learn everywhere. I mean, take them 2.

Kristin:

We happen to live near the coast. So take them to the coast and let them explore the little tide pools with the crabs and, You know, take a picnic, sit outside. They learn about the seagulls. They can talk to the park ranger. Mhmm. And you can encourage all these different interactions them. They may not approach a park ranger on their own. So maybe you have a question for the park ranger that brings them in and then ask the children, did you wanna anything.

Kristin:

And maybe by then, they will say, oh, no. I was wondering about the whatever.

Anouk:

We've just learned about so many things like science and relationship and

Kristin:

Yeah. Stuff. Everything. I mean, there's always

Anouk:

your question and, like, yeah. There's something

Kristin:

about that. Right? And and how long would it take us in a classroom setting to Approach these different things and and, you know, and we probably wouldn't anyway. But, yeah. So life experience to me is is a great teacher. Homeschooling is very difficult. You can be really good at it, and I have there's some rock star moms around me. They're doing a great job. Mhmm.

Kristin:

And they are amazing, and it's wonderful. But other people that think, you know, I'm gonna homeschool because I'm mad at the school. I'm gonna pull my child out. That if you're not really wanting to homeschool, that's just gonna be a very difficult Situation. So communication's key, I say. Honestly, teachers want to help, but communication is key. And it really does take flexibility and compromise on everybody's yeah. Part, but not everyone's the same.

Kristin:

We don't have cookie cutter children. Then our our world changes every day where there's more and more and more stimulus out there. So it's not like it used to be. We're desks, chairs, teachers. That was it's not like that anymore.

Anouk:

Yeah. That's the that's good because it was not the best learning. Yeah.

Kristin:

That wasn't the greatest structure either. Right? So I do believe in some structure, but, but I also think in flexibility within the structure. School. Yeah. I just think the bottom line is really figure out where your child is as far as the learning style and meet them

Anouk:

Where they are.

Kristin:

You know Meet them there and then figure out together how you could make this work. And if you don't have ideas, like, literally, you figure, like, like, okay. I I know that I'm reading this book and I see this. This is my child a 100%, but I don't know what to do here. You can well, you can call your teacher, I would say, Or whoever's with them most all day and say, alright. Help me out here. She loves to do it this way. I am stumped for ideas, they may say, oh, yeah.

Kristin:

Yeah. Well, we do this and try that or talk to other parents or whatever you need to do. But to find ways to meet your child, really, you don't have to do this alone. I think Everybody is looking for Yeah.

Anouk:

Yeah. We want to have support, and I think that's what you're saying is very important to just go with what they need and also stop thinking about homework as the pen and paper worksheet thing. It it Correct. We can go out of that and do things differently, and kids learn other other ways. If it's necessary because the teacher is sending sheets and it's not working, then talking to the teacher if it's not something that's working with our children

Kristin:

as important. Recap. Absolutely. Yeah. Because not everyone is a pen and paper kind of child, and No. We need something more meaningful. We're not trying to tell the teacher how to teach, but we're just saying, listen. I need to help me out here.

Kristin:

Yeah.

Anouk:

Doesn't work for my child. Doesn't mean it's not

Kristin:

the way we teach. To learn. Is there another way we could do this at home, you know, other than whatever? And it might be, you know, well okay. Well, if you read a paragraph to them and then they told you what you said and then they read a paragraph And then they told you what they said. You know, you can get through it faster like that. They may have suggestions like that. Yeah. A storybook.

Kristin:

If you're reading an actual social book. Maybe you're reading the same book. You're reading you're reading it as well. And it might be that you're not reading it at the same time. You might read it at night and make sure what the book is all about. Something. Ask the right questions to your kiddo if they have trouble in comprehension. Things like that that you can do kind of a little you just make it part of your world or Or do sit with them.

Kristin:

You have a copy. They have a copy. And that's kind of fun because it's very grown up that way instead of you sharing 1 book and nudging each other over or whatever. Well, make a copy of something and use a highlighter. Let them play. The kiddos are just

Anouk:

reading. Yeah. Anything basically, anything works as long as it works.

Kristin:

I think variety is the spice of life here. So

Anouk:

Yeah. Definitely. Love that. So many ideas that we would need to make a list. Really love that. So thank you very much. You already shared the books. Is there any other resource you would like to share, or that's the main one?

Kristin:

I would say start there. That's a big one. Start there. And a lot of times, I think if, again, if you just take a step back once you read that book and kinda look around and get a feel and figure out how you can Deescalate the situation because if you're looking for this, you're already struggling, figure out how you can find a comfort zone, find them where they learn best, And then move forward that way. And keep the lines of communication open with your teacher.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Kristin:

And and I think I hope that helps. I mean, there's all kinds of approaches, strategies, techniques. Just figure out what's fun and what works for you.

Anouk:

Yeah. And if parents wanna work with you, is there a way, even if they are not local, to work with you.

Kristin:

Absolutely. You know what? Yeah. I do actually do video at Zoom. So yeah. And I do have a website. So I could be reached at beyond the classes .com. Yeah. And that's if you have a situation.

Kristin:

You're not sure if you really need to have a meeting, a session, but you might have a quick question or something, or we just figure out how to connect with each other. You drop a message, and then we can connect somehow that way. I am on Instagram At beyond the classes, and I do have Facebook at beyond the classes. I'm not hugely active on social media, to be honest. My business is just sort of organically grown.

Anouk:

Some

Kristin:

It's very comfortable for me. I enjoy what I do. I find myself always talking with kiddos or parents about this kind of thing. Mhmm. And so, Yeah. So just reach out. If you need something, I'm happy to help.

Anouk:

The link in the in the show notes for the social media and website so that people can easily reach out if they're need, anything with their homework time or learning time in general. Right. So thank you very much for being here. It was very interesting.

Kristin:

Thank you. I appreciate the time.

Anouk:

I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes that Sue Lendly dropped, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And please leave a rating in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at family moments dot ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath. Keep going. We're all in this together.