014 – Why are we triggered by our kids reaction? – With Linda Sanderville

Anouk:

Welcome to the podcast. Today, we're welcoming our 1st guest, Linda Sanderville. She's gonna talk with us about how our own childhood impacts the way we react to our kids, when why they are triggering us, what we can do to be less triggered, and what we can do to set up our kids so they're less triggered when they grow up. And a few different ways to regulate ourselves, so we can stay calm in the chaos. Linda is the host of the Selfless Skilled podcast and founder of the Jury Reclaim Summit. She has 14 years of licensed and specialized parents in the mental ill field, treating trauma, anxiety, and disconnection between couples. Linda is also a registered yoga teacher and hypnotherapist. We will talk about that on the podcast.

Anouk:

She created her signature course, self love skills, to specifically address the item stress of high performing women. Using accessible practices to create mindset shift, enhance emotional violence, and put boundaries into action. She support those who are juggling multiple demands on their time and energy, as well as those looking in increase to increase their confidence and self love. I know, juggling multiple demands on your time and energy is something you all are dealing with. So without further ado, let's welcome Linda on the podcast, our first guest. Welcome to Parenting the Intensity, where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solution and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are, deep down, you know what they need, but you need a little encouragement to keep going on other days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids.

Anouk:

Welcome, Linda. I'm super happy to have you here today.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah.

Anouk:

Today, we'll talk about something that is, for me, a little forney, which is how our inner child can impact our parent parenting. And I wanna like preface this by saying that I'm recovering yellow. I'm totally honest about that. And like, when I when my older ones were little, I was often yelling because I didn't know what else to do because I was repeating myself a self a 1000 times, and they were not listening. Change things changed since then. But I'm really curious because I think what you're gonna talk to us about to the I'm gonna talk to us today anyway. I'm having trouble with my sentence. Well, let us understand why We are doing that.

Anouk:

Like, why we're Yeah. Yelling or why why we're triggered by what our kids are doing and the the behaviors they have. And yeah. So that's the topic. But I would like for you to start and tell us, like, why why are you doing what you're doing? What you're doing? Yeah. It's a bit in the intro, but a bit more of the why behind and what brought you there, basically.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. I'd be happy to. Gosh. You know, so much of my career As a, you know, a clinical social worker doing psychotherapy has been working with children, youth, families, and women. Like, those are the groups that I worked with the most, and they're the ones that I have the heart for. So I think my own experiences growing up and challenges, you know, with my own family unit and then helping others with either their immediate family unit Or years later as adults, right, dealing with all the effects of how they grew up. All of those things Combine for the just the passion I have to help people to to heal and to better understand themselves and, to release a lot of that a lot of the baggage and the negativity that comes from some of our less than healthy relationships, inside of our families.

Anouk:

Yeah.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I do a a lot of work with core beliefs. Right? So the the work that I do really kind of centers from and flows back into over and over again, the core belief makeover. Because so much of what we Do you on a daily basis? So much of how we function is very automatic, and it very much stems from the beliefs that we hold Way down deep inside, things that we are only barely conscious of, but they are actually determining, like, so much of how we act, respond, what we think, what's triggering to us. Right? It really stems from that place. So that's a lot of the work that I do.

Anouk:

Yeah. And I I love that. And I have to say it probably where I stopped being so overwhelmed as a parent is when I stopped being like, doing most of the things automatically. Like, when I start doing things more on purpose, like, deciding things instead of just going with what was happening and reacting. I think that made a huge impact. So, yeah, that I think that makes total sense.

Linda Sanderville:

Right. Right. Well, I love you sharing that because there's a way that we can come to that somewhat intuitively. Mhmm. But for a lot of folks, that that is actually quite difficult to do. And, you know, what you're describing is, you know, where I take folks From where we're working on that, like, core belief, you know, makeover. But then we're moving through that reconnection of mind and body where the intuition comes in, Which I'm guessing is part of what kinda got you where you got to.

Anouk:

Right? Definitely. Yeah. Following our attrition is like something we're so disconnected from, and it's so essential. Exactly. Essential, but it's hard. And I would say it I got there by myself, but it took 10 years. Like, if if it if it can take a little, like, shorter than that, it's better. You know? Yeah.

Linda Sanderville:

Wouldn't that be nice for not to have 10 years of like, oh, I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I said that or said it that way.

Anouk:

Yeah. Yeah. And regretting so much things at the end of the day when you go to bed and, like, I'm gonna do better tomorrow when you get

Linda Sanderville:

through it again. Right. Yes. I think all of us have been

Anouk:

there. So, yeah, I would love to for you to share more about the how that inner child's car, can impact and like, it can explain why we're we're triggered basically.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. Yeah. You know, and everyone's pathway is different. Everyone's story is different. Some folks have Beliefs that were set in place by something that was very dramatic. Right? Very, like, obvious. Like, oh, of course, you would You would have some hang ups because of the way that you were brought up or things that you saw or or or or heard somebody say. And then for others of us, it's much more subtle.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

And sometimes that's where it can get really confusing. You can feel like, well but I grew up in a pretty good family. Like, I didn't really have major issues. I wasn't Abused. Right? Mhmm. So but I'm why am I still yelling at my kid? Right? So Yeah. But it doesn't have to be this sort of, like, big things. You know, in the psychotherapy world, we call it, like, big t trauma.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

It doesn't always have to look like that To impact you later on. And we know well as parents that even as well meaning as we are, there are things that we do that hurt our kids. Right. And it's and it's not always things that are very it's not like we're being cruel to them or anything like that, But they may have a sensitivity that we're just not really aware of. Mhmm. And so they take in something that we say or a way that we look at them or something that we do, you know, to them versus their sibling or whatever it might be. Mhmm. And they and now they have sort of a a little bit of a wound.

Linda Sanderville:

Right? So I just wanna preface that with that statement because it's not always like these intentional horrific acts that can lead us to having these these challenges with our inner child. Sometimes it's by what very well meaning people who loved us, and and sometimes we do the same. The good news is that there's a repair. We can always repair. So I don't want, you know, our listeners to feel like, oh, no. Like, I'm I'm messing up my child or I messed up, you know, like, but there there's always room for repair. So, yeah, as far as the inner child goes, it can be something again, just a a small moment of Something that we took in as rejection. And maybe it was even, like, our parent trying to protect us or saying like, oh, that that's not that's not how that works, honey.

Linda Sanderville:

In that moment, we think, oh, they think I'm stupid. You know? Like, it could just right? Because it's the understanding of a of a small child.

Anouk:

Mhmm. Yeah. And it's not necessarily because the parents is doing anything wrong. It's just kids understand things differently than often what we think as adults. It's like the same way a child can make a big fuss about the color of a plate. For them, it's super important. But most of the time, as parents, especially when we're stressed and short on time. We'll dismiss that thing as not important.

Anouk:

And like it because it's it doesn't look important for us at all. You know? And We're all we're all guilty of things like that.

Linda Sanderville:

Absolutely. You know, there's this comedian, and then I I'm I'm gonna be so upset with myself later because I'm gonna suddenly remember who, you know, what his name is. But

Anouk:

You you can send me later. I could put it

Linda Sanderville:

in the I'll

Anouk:

send it in the notes.

Linda Sanderville:

Put it in the show notes. It's so important. Yes. So the comedian As is a bit about how people you know, someone was, like, making fun of a small child because they lost their balloon. Right? I'm sure some people listening have heard this joke, but the the But they were outside. The child, lost, you know, a grip on their balloon, and it went floating up into the sky. And the parents like, that's not

Anouk:

important. Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

And yeah. You know, I mean, in the grand scheme of things, losing a helium balloon

Anouk:

It's not the end of the world.

Linda Sanderville:

It's not the end of the world. They're gonna be just fine, and we know that. Mhmm. But the comedian was saying, well, you know, to better understand what that child is going through, why don't you just tie your wallet up Right. At the end of a helium balloon. And then just let it float up into the sky and have someone tell you if it's not that big of a deal, why are you so upset? You know?

Anouk:

I would say now maybe your

Linda Sanderville:

phone. Yeah. Or your right. Even more than the wallet, actually. Isn't that funny?

Anouk:

I think so.

Linda Sanderville:

That would upset me. I might cry. So Yeah. So just being able to to see that in the context of their world. Things that seem really small are are really important. Right? I I so I heard someone else mentioned once, when you're a toddler, Like your baby gives you, like, a piece of a twig off the ground when you're going for a walk. It can be like, okay. Why are you giving me that? I don't I'm just gonna throw that in the ground.

Linda Sanderville:

You know? And like, well but to that child, they don't really have anything. They don't have all the earthly possessions. So in that moment, they're giving you, like, a thing that they have.

Anouk:

Yeah. We're giving it all to you. Yeah. The like, the gesture is super important. Much more than what it is.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. Right.

Anouk:

Right. Yeah.

Linda Sanderville:

And that that just imprinted on my mind. Right? I was like, oh my gosh. Yeah. They're giving me something. It's like all the things they have in the world, they just hand it over Right. So so even if I'm in the midst of feeling like, okay. We're on this walk, but it's hot. And I need to go cook dinner and Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

Stop yelling and Stop walking in the street. You know? Like, I can I can get caught up on all those things, but you know, just to slow down? Right? Slow down for a moment, take a breath, and just, like, look my child in the eye and give them a smile.

Anouk:

Just Yeah. Just to appreciate that moment. Appreciate that moment and the the gift. Even if as adult, of course, that gift is gonna disappear soon. But and, like, it's okay because we could not keep Everything our kids are giving us. We will make in and out of your house just for that.

Linda Sanderville:

No. All the things my kids give me every day, the Scraps of paper, the crumbs off the ground. I'm not I'm not actually keeping all of them.

Anouk:

Right? It's just that that's an entire other problem.

Linda Sanderville:

You'd be having a different episode podcast, you know Definitely. Right now. But, yeah, I think it's just those small moments where we can We can affirm Yeah. And we can validate and just show value to our our children, where it doesn't take a big gesture, and it can just Take a couple of seconds, and that's a way that we can nourish their inner child for, like, way later in life. Right? And so we may not have had all those moments because our parents may have been under stress, all kinds of things. I mean, my parents were immigrants to the US, and they were actually great parents to me, you know, for the, like, 95%. Right? Like but I I also didn't have major Dramatic.

Anouk:

Yeah. No parents are a 100% per perfectly. That that doesn't exist anyway. Like

Linda Sanderville:

No. No. And that would be an impossible standard Try to live up to. Mhmm. But the truth is they had, you know, they had a lot of demands in their time and attention. So Mhmm. There might there there's little moments that they absolutely, you know, Mist. Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

Thankfully, I'm okay. Right? Like, it still can turn out quite alright. But Yeah. There's there's different ways in which we still can be impacted And having, like, an awareness of that. Just having an awareness that, like, as good as our parents did for us or as good as we had

Anouk:

it Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

There there's just little breakages that had an impact on us, now we can be compassionate to ourselves about that. I think it just gives us a little bit of room to to accept what is and just Except that we have our flaws and our sensitive spots, and that as long as we're kind of just knowledgeable about that. But actually does a lot of the work in terms of keeping us from being really reactive and really, like, trigger happy, Like, when there's moments coming up that are getting under our

Anouk:

skin. Yeah. And, like, would you say the awareness is enough to not be triggered, or is there other things that we can do to have Laurie being triggered by our kids' reaction or action? Or

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. I think that awareness is really powerful. I think often it's not quite enough. Mhmm. For 1, It would take us being conscious in the moment all the time of, like, our entire emotional history. Mhmm. Like, while we're, like, Dealing with, you know, the kid who just hit the other kid on the head with the block or whatever.

Anouk:

Like, we

Linda Sanderville:

we it's hard to to maintain that level of consciousness around that information all the time. But I do think, like, you know, the the second step in my framework after that core belief work is that that realignment, that reconnection with mind and body. So if you are able to incorporate practices on a regular basis that help you to get back into connection So that your head is not floating up here above your body and, you know, there's no nothing happening, nothing speaking to the other part.

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

If you're able to have some practices that help you to Reconnect those parts of the body. That helps too. For some people, breath work is really powerful, and and that really does the trick for them. For others, having some mindful yoga can be really great for just helping you to maintain a baseline

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

That is more regulated And certainly doing some kind of subconscious work. And so I I I would refer to things as, like, hypnosis or emotional freedom technique tapping. Those kind of tools can be really helpful for integrating the subconscious mind And with your daily sort of, like, reactions and habits and thoughts. So those tools can be really powerful tool.

Anouk:

Okay. I think pretty much everybody is, aware of what yoga is. I don't think we need to explain that much. Yes. Breath breathwork is kind of self explanatory to some extent. But if you might be touched just a bit on that, and maybe a bit more about hypnosis and tapping. Because I think For lots of people, those are less known approaches. Sure.

Anouk:

How how do they work a little bit? Like

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. Yeah. Well so the the breath work yeah. You know, like you said, it's kinda self explanatory, but there's there's so many different ways to do breath work. You can literally Google it, and there's, like, 10 options that'll come up on the 1st page. Right? Like but a simple example would be something like in, actually, in yoga, We do something called alternate nostril breathing. So starting with your left nostril open, you would close off your right nostril. Obviously, people can't see this so maybe you can hear the difference in my voice.

Linda Sanderville:

Yes. I did. Right? K. Confirmed. And then he would breathe in through that side, And if you would close both nostrils and then open up on the right hand side and breathe in, breathe out, and then alternate. Mhmm. That one can be really great as a as a quick, simple meditation practice to just bring you back to yourself. Right? It doesn't have to take very long.

Linda Sanderville:

That's something that you can do anywhere from, like, a minute to I mean, if you really wanted to be wild with it, you could do it for, like, 10 minutes and just have a whole experience. Right? But it doesn't take that long. So hypnosis is, there are folks who do self hypnosis, but I do guided, you know, hypnosis with, folks that I see. And It's just basically a way of using very deep relaxation. So getting into a very deep state of relaxation with the, aid of your your guide or the recording you're listening to. And then while you're in that state, being able to, either visualize you know, just kinda do a light hypnosis visualizing positive things or a safe space where you feel really calm and regulated so you can bring your nervous system back down from that higher activation from in the midst of a stressful day, or you can actively process like, oh, you know, what's going on and kind of have a conversation with, you know, parts of you on the inside about why am I so like, why am I yelling so much my teenager right now. I I know that they need me to be gentle and kind with them, and yet I just keep yelling at them. And it's not what I wanna do.

Linda Sanderville:

Right? Going inside and having that a time to explore and to maybe make peace with something that needs some attention internally. So that would be an example of what hypnosis would look like in terms of working with your own inner child to help you as you're dealing with your physical child right out In the real world.

Anouk:

Yeah. Right here. And I would say, like, from experience from my my household, when you have people who don't, like, don't function well in speak therapy. Trying those different approaches can be interesting because some people just, they don't they're not comfortable, or they just don't wanna do speak, like, talk therapy because it's just not them. And I would say lots of kids that are emotionally intense, are neurodivergent. They often don't feel good in those settings. So like, looking at alternatives can be interesting. Right.

Anouk:

Also. So that's why I love the idea of, like, you explaining a little bit more those approaches, because sometimes we're, like, quick to go see a therapist for something for a child or for ourselves. And it doesn't work for x y is like y z and or or a child just doesn't wanna go, or if we don't find the right person. So sometimes just looking at something else might be helpful

Linda Sanderville:

too. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I like that it's a very gentle approach. It doesn't it doesn't have to be really gut wrenching. I mean, it it's you know, again, you're very relaxed. So it makes it feel a lot easier to look at something that might normally feel really painful Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

But to feel safe while you're doing it and to not feel overwhelmed and flooded while you're doing it.

Anouk:

You know, so that might be great for people with some bigger trauma maybe also.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. Yeah. Also. I mean, it works for a wide spectrum. People do it, you know, for performance enhancement to give a speech. You know? But and then some people are doing it because, yeah, they they have something that's really deep and buried and painful that they they wanna kinda move past. You know? Mhmm. So, yeah, it works for a wide Spectrum of

Anouk:

Yeah. I'm I'm I am I think it's interesting because I'm gonna have I'm gonna have someone special specific specifically trouble today, breath work on the podcast in a few weeks. And I'm gonna have some people talking about, adoption and trauma. So I think that's also interesting because when you have an adopted child, you don't know their past necessarily. So like hypnosis can be interesting in settings like that. Like thing cause the parents cannot tell the child's

Linda Sanderville:

story.

Anouk:

Right. Sometimes the yeah. They might have the child from birth, but sometimes they got the like the child came in their house at 3 years old, 5 years old, 10 years old. So Yeah. They might have a big past. They're often traumatic. So I think that's that can be also an interesting PAP to go. Right.

Anouk:

And you also talked about

Linda Sanderville:

tapping. Yeah. EFT tapping. So tapping actually uses several acupuncture points, so points where they would normally put the little tiny needles inside of you. Instead of doing that, you would just be using the pressure of your fingers just tapping on different points around, like, your face and upper body. And so it the idea is that It seems to affect something with our energy systems. There's no, like, really known reason why it works, but most people who try it Get really quick relief from it. So whatever it's doing, it works.

Anouk:

Right? We we don't really know what's happening,

Linda Sanderville:

but we don't know. We're like, okay. Well, it feels better. So but it's tapping into the fridge.

Anouk:

Placebo as long as it works. You know?

Linda Sanderville:

Mhmm. Yeah.

Anouk:

I mean, you have, like

Linda Sanderville:

The placebo effect is also powerful.

Anouk:

Yeah. It's very powerful. Like so any like, that's that's my on amnopathic medicine. I'm like, I don't care if it works or not. The only like, the placebo, I think one of my kids is wonderful, so I continue using them. I don't care about that.

Linda Sanderville:

Thank you. Placebo up there.

Anouk:

Exactly. It's like, yeah, like, bellyache, for example. You cannot do much. But For kids, often, it's just doing something. Like, the placebo effect is so and that's like so it's like studies have proved that pussy boys even more effective on kids than on adults because, like, they don't like, the the classic, I'm gonna kiss your boo boo. Like, it works. It's the total classical effects.

Linda Sanderville:

That's all they needed.

Anouk:

Yeah. Is gonna be fooled by that. But it works with kids because they're still, like, believing in magic.

Linda Sanderville:

Yes. Like, you know,

Anouk:

so Right. Like the yeah. Anything that and often, I'm just taking an action with kids when they don't feel great. It works. So any technique might work. Because I think sometimes people are, like, a bit skeptic when there's no, like, scientific prune. But I'm I'm always like, honestly, if it works, do we really like, it's not if it's not as if there was any side effects of it or

Linda Sanderville:

it would

Anouk:

cost you a lot of money. Right. There's nothing negative can can come from it. So one of try, you know, if it can help. Even if it's just the act of for yourself or for the kids, just taking the time of tapping. Yeah. Maybe that's just it. You know? Just like taking that time off concentrating.

Anouk:

So on some things, it's kind of a mindfulness practice too in some way.

Linda Sanderville:

Absolutely. Well, it's funny what you you're saying about the placebo effect with kissing the child's boo boo too because it's like a validation. Right? They're saying that hurts. Yeah. And instead of being like, whatever. Go play. You're like, oh, come here. Let me kiss it.

Linda Sanderville:

Let me give you a hug. I know that doesn't feel good. Right? So there's like this. You're attuning to them and the fact that they feel the way they feel instead of dismissing it. And so they're able to more easily release it. Well, tapping actually does a very similar thing. So sometimes I'm working with folks and they're like, why are you making me say these negative things out loud? I should be doing positive affirmations and thinking positive. And I'm like, well, did that work last time? So, you know, the thing is with tapping, like, you can acknowledge the way you feel or that, oh, man, I'm so I'm so frustrated with myself, or I feel like such a failure.

Linda Sanderville:

And you're saying it out loud as you're tapping through these

Anouk:

points.

Linda Sanderville:

Mhmm. And you're giving yourself self validation. Yeah. This is how I feel. This is my truth right now. I don't have to judge it. Like, you know, it just is what it is at this moment. That's okay.

Linda Sanderville:

Mhmm. And so you're

Anouk:

getting a response. Say, like, people are not seeing you, but you're doing it as you're talking.

Linda Sanderville:

You're tapping she doing?

Anouk:

Yeah. I knew I know a little bit about, so I know what people are doing with it. You were tapping as you were seeing it.

Linda Sanderville:

Yes. Yes. And you can even you can tap without even you know, I I teach how to do statements and things like that, but you can just literally tap as you're talking about something that's bothering you. Mhmm. And even that, Again, it's it's the acknowledgement and then the releasing of it that then can make room for you to feel and think something

Anouk:

else. So I think that's very important what you said about, like, it's validating, and it's giving yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. Because I think socially is something that we don't do we dismiss our feelings, especially, like, our negative feelings? Like, we'll we want as a society to move, like, past those negative feelings as fast as possible for ourself and for others. Like, how many people are comfortable just sitting there with someone's crying. Like, most people want the person to stop. Like, I'm I'm I'm sure you, like me, can do that, because we're trained to do that. Right. Mhmm.

Anouk:

I used to say that my only work tool was a box of Kleenex.

Linda Sanderville:

Oh, yeah.

Anouk:

I I I I I I work I was working with a lot like like like physical therapist and, like, a commercial therapist and, like, psychotherapist and, like, people that add a lot of material. And I was coming with, like, my pen, paper, and a box of good tissues. Of tissues. Yeah. It. And the diaper, I can do without. The box of tissues, not so much.

Linda Sanderville:

That's no. You can't do without that. Yeah.

Anouk:

So I would say, like but that's not common, like, other than Right. If you work in a mental health, like, field in general, people are uncomfortable. And lots of people that cry in our offices are uncomfortable doing so, and they will

Linda Sanderville:

Also.

Anouk:

Say, I'm sorry. I'm crying.

Linda Sanderville:

And we're

Anouk:

like, no. No. That's okay. You can cry. Yeah. That that's fine. Yeah. You can cry here.

Anouk:

That's why I'm always using that, and it make them laugh and cry at the time because I like if if you if you cry, I make my, like, my I I've done my job. Like Yeah. To some extent. Like, it sounds weird, but We don't have room to cry and be

Linda Sanderville:

sad and Exactly.

Anouk:

Live our feelings in our society. So, like it's so true that you're saying validating them and then releasing them. But Right. The same as a child that we're dismissing their feelings, They're getting buckled up, and then they will get out in some way that is not Yeah. Good. That is not saying it is not socially acceptable to say, depending on the life. It's a bit dark here. So, yeah, it's like it's it's very important, and we're I think more and more doing it for children.

Anouk:

Like, it's getting there slowly with positive parenting and everything, but it's it's still hard because it's still not a mainstream culture. And I think it's hard because we're not doing it to work for ourselves. Exactly. So I think what you're seeing is very powerful because it's

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah.

Anouk:

Allowing yourself to just give yourself permission to feel those bad things and not always think positive thoughts. Because yeah. That's great. But it's not possible to always think positive thoughts, and we might even feel guilty for not being able to do it. And then it's just

Linda Sanderville:

getting worse.

Anouk:

You

Linda Sanderville:

know? Right. Right. Then you're failing at thinking the positive thoughts. Oh, you failure. Yeah. It's not it's not helpful. Yeah. I love what you're you're pointing out though.

Linda Sanderville:

Because, you know, just either, you know, our our society, it's not mainstream really to kinda validate and be with feelings. People are very uncomfortable that generally speaking like you're saying. And a lot of us had parents who were very uncomfortable with that because they didn't get that either, and then they didn't know how to do that for us. And so We learned that, oh, okay. We don't we don't air out our feelings, you know, ever. And so we, like, make sure you Put that away.

Anouk:

Unless you're crying in the in the shower, maybe, something like that.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. That's okay. That's alright. Don't let anyone know that you do that. But yeah.

Anouk:

Cry in

Linda Sanderville:

the shower.

Anouk:

Yeah. Yeah.

Linda Sanderville:

So I think just they we haven't had that experience ourselves. We we have to get it somewhere we can get into our bodies. Mhmm. So it can be familiar, and we can we can grab it in the moment when then our kid needs it from us.

Anouk:

Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. And I think, like, I I and it's it's very different than like, we know we might know that it's okay to cry. But how many time have we cried in front of our children? Uh-huh. In general, almost never. Unless, like, someone died or I know or we hurt ourself real bad. We don't cry in front of our children.

Anouk:

So even if we say it's okay to cry, we don't show it. Yeah. Because we we still carry that baggage of it's not okay to cry, so we don't let and it need we used to feel safe to cry, basically. Yeah. Which is not necessarily the case if we're with her children.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. Right.

Anouk:

What let's be honest. There and so many times extend, like, they're not there for that for for Sure.

Linda Sanderville:

For us to be, like, crying on them. No.

Anouk:

No. That's not what I'm saying.

Linda Sanderville:

But also

Anouk:

Right. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's very important. Is there anything that we haven't touched that we wanted to share?

Linda Sanderville:

No. I think, you know, just Give yourself grace. Give yourself room to acknowledge that there may be things, even small, simple things That that hurt you. Mhmm. Right? When you were when you were a smaller smaller, you had more magical thinking. You're more vulnerable. And it doesn't have to make sense. I think so often we wanna Yeah.

Linda Sanderville:

Look at things with our logical adult brain

Anouk:

Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

For something that happened when we did not have that brain. We did not think way. We do not have our prefrontal cortex developed yet. Mhmm. And so we're looking back on it and be like, well, that didn't shouldn't matter. Blah blah. And it's like, well, when you were a kid, that's not how you thought. Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

So you developed that belief or that hurt or that wound when you had a very different way of understanding the world around you. So it is hard to perceive now, But there's still a part of you that is very much in that time and doesn't know that anything has changed. And so I think just Have some compassion on yourself and and recognize that there may be something that needs to be addressed, but hasn't gotten a lot of attention yet.

Anouk:

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Great. I I wanna just ask if there's anything that any resource that you love, that you, like, was important in your for you that you would like to share with, the community.

Linda Sanderville:

So I just learned about this really cool thing today. And I was like and just in case, I feel like someone must have mentioned this by now. But, In the US, and this is available for anyone,

Anouk:

anywhere. Mhmm.

Linda Sanderville:

But there's a toll free line called Parents Helping Parents. It's the parents' stress line. And that number, if anyone's interested, is 180-063-28188. And so it's available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it's for parents or guardians who are having problems with their children, and they offer support to anyone who who needs that.

Anouk:

So I think that's cool. From anywhere in the world. Yeah. Great. Mhmm. Never heard of that one. So okay. That's great.

Anouk:

Love it. And so if people wanna know learn more, know more about you, where can they find you? And I, of course, I would like you to share, like, I'm part of, summit that you were having right now when the podcast will be released. So I would like for you to share about that, but any other things that any other way people can reach out to you.

Linda Sanderville:

Yeah. Yeah. So my website is linda sanderville.com, and I'm sure that be spelled out in the the

Anouk:

show, I hope? Yeah. Of

Linda Sanderville:

course. But that's my website. And if you go there, there's actually, a link where you can get some free resources. And I highly recommend if you have connected at all what I've been saying today that you download the hypnosis recording that is there for free. It helps you to process just negative thoughts or or or or negative thinking patterns that you're having. And it's a really nice, easy, light Introduction to hypnosis just so you can get a taste and feel for it. Mhmm. And it's something you can just keep and use whenever you want to have a a moment to yourself.

Linda Sanderville:

So that's one thing I would highly recommend. You can also find me on Instagram, Linda Sanderville. And then also, yes, I am hosting a summit, during, you know, the the month of October 2023, and, it's called the Joy Reclaimed Summit. So for anyone who's interested in, getting a a ticket to come attend. Anouk will be one of our wonderful speakers. The speakers for the summit are really incredible. So I I'm very Excited, but, please come and join us if you're interested in anything that has to do with reclaiming your joy with your physical health, your emotional health, your finances. Whatever it is, you probably have someone talking about it.

Linda Sanderville:

So come on by and be sure to sign up at joyreclaimed summit.com.

Anouk:

Yeah. I love it because, like, it's some I feel it's something we don't take time, like, as adults to just feel joy, play joy. Like, it's it's things that we we forget to do in, like, all the to do lists. It's not on the to do list. You know?

Linda Sanderville:

It's not on the to

Anouk:

do list.

Linda Sanderville:

That's The problem.

Anouk:

Yes. We need to add that to the to do list and come check the summit.

Linda Sanderville:

The Clear your clear the whole list and then just come to the summit.

Anouk:

Yeah. If you'll feel us better, and you're gonna be able to tackle the list after that.

Linda Sanderville:

Exactly. That For real, actually.

Anouk:

Yeah. Yeah. Like, when you feel better, you can do many more things. Like, that's that's for sure. Yeah. Thank you so much for being here with me. I wanna say tonight because it's tonight, but not that much for you.

Linda Sanderville:

Right. Almost. Almost more hours.

Anouk:

Yeah. But yeah. And it's really it's really early in the morning. So and I don't know where people when people are listening. So, yeah, tonight is not really. The problem. Yeah. But yeah.

Anouk:

So thank you very much for being here. It was really great talking to you and knowing a bit more about over all of it. And I hope Yeah. That if anything resonated, and I'm kind of, feel I'm gonna end every episode that way. If anything is resonating with you, even if you don't know why, that's your instinct talking. So just seek out the information, the resource that Linda shared because often when something is resonating with us, it there's a reason. We might not know what what it is, but there's a reason. So, yeah, I encourage people to just follow that little instinct, that little tweak.

Anouk:

Is this part of listening to our parental instinct instinct?

Linda Sanderville:

Right. Right. That's

Anouk:

true. So thank you very

Linda Sanderville:

much. Thank you. Bye, Anouk.

Anouk:

I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes that they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And please left a rating and review so other parents can find it too.

And take a deep breath. Keep going. We're all in this together.