050 – Self-Care and Regulation Practices for Parents – With Michele Riechman

Anouk:
Welcome to the podcast. Today, we are diving very deep into self care and self regulation with Michelle Raichman. So let's start that.

Anouk:
Welcome to Parenting the Intense where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice, that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids. Chances are deep down you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on other days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kids.

Anouk:
Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotion? You are not alone. Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep Briere, there's hope. That's why I created the Parenting the Intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting, knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs. It may seem like an untenable dream right now, but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come and join us for our monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now.

Anouk:
You also get 1 on 1 chat and audio office hours for the things that you're really not ready to share in the group, and workshop tools, courses to help you in the process of finding that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. Hi, Michelle. Welcome to the podcast.

Michele Riechman:
Thank you so much for having me.

Anouk:
So I will start to, you introduce yourself and letting us know why you do what you do.

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. So I am a mom of 4, and I'm also a military white. And, really, my journey with health began after my 3rd kid. And I was going up a flight of stairs, and I was out of breath but was so overwhelmed. Like, how do I even have time to take care of myself? And it really went back to the idea of going up a flight of stairs doesn't take long. Like, I don't have to exercise or do anything super long. So I started with quick workouts, back to the basics, and really back to the idea of how can I start finding little pockets of time to take care of myself? So I also have my doctorate in physical therapy, but I now have my own business doing personal training and health coaching and really helping women find a way to simplify things and go back to the basics and being able to take care of themselves so that they can be the best mom, best spouse that they can be in their life.

Anouk:
Yeah. And this is a topic that I think in maybe not all, but almost all the episodes, we talked about the importance of self care as a way to self regulate. And it's important for everybody, for parents even more, and parents of Emotionally Intense kids. It's another level, like, layer of it because we can very easily get triggered and disregulated with emotionally intense kids. So I'm really happy that we can talk about that. So I I just touched on it, but self care helps in general to regulate our nervous system. Can you give us a definition? Like, your definition of regulation as I love to give people different ones because we can understand some better than others. So

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. So self regulation, meaning just being able to regulate your emotions, but also, like, those body sensations typically pop up first. Our heart rate might increase or something like that. And I'd like to think of the window of tolerance. So in the middle, we have that zone where we're sort of more in choice with what we want. We have the top where we're overactive and the bottom is low arousal. So really being able to regulate ourselves so we can stay in our window of tolerance where we can tolerate that kid having a meltdown. But we have to know what we need ourself, and that's different for everybody because we all have different personalities.

Michele Riechman:
Some of us need more time in self care, self regulation activities, like deep breathing, yoga, walking. Some can have less of that and still do better, and some are gonna tend towards different tendencies. So it's really finding that place where you feel regulated, you feel in choice with how you're reacting to things, and that you can be able to calm yourself easier and stay in that tolerance.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. That's very interesting too. Like, I often talk about what is helping us, but I've never really thought about the level. Like, some of us need more of it than others. And I think that can definitely like parents are experiencing so much guilt, and I think that's might be 1 of them. Like, if you need more self care to be regulated, it can bring some guilt.

Michele Riechman:
Absolutely. And I feel like that sorta have been me. So I'm the 1 who probably tends towards that hyperarousal. Like, I can get worried. I can get anxious more, so I need things that bring me down back into my window of tolerance more. And I used to think like, okay. I got this little, like, half an hour, you know, a couple times a week. That should be enough.

Michele Riechman:
Right? Like, not at all. Not at all. I need a lot. And it's, like, being okay with that, because just like you said, we feel like we shouldn't need that much time to regulate or take care of ourself.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Mhmm. And and I think when you combine that with emotionally intense kids, there's that part of us that needs more or less. But also the more demanding your family situation or a life situation is, the more you need to do it. So combined, it can be pretty high, the need for self care and self regulation.

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. Absolutely. And also having things that refuel you or getting help when you need help. Because when there is that intensity from kids or from outside or stress from work or whatever, it is gonna take you more and more to be able to stay within that window of tolerance and to really drain your energy.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. And how would you say, like, when you're not in the window of tolerance, how can we know that we're there? Because I think sometimes we get disconnected a bit from Yeah. From our own reaction.

Michele Riechman:
It can look different for different people. So it could be that more low arousal where you are withdrawn, where you're just scrolling your phone to try to numb out, or it could be where you're amped up and you're stuck in worry or spiraling thoughts. So it's really when you notice that you feel, so you're gonna see what tendency you go towards too or different situations might bring different states of arousal. But noticing when you're sorta not in choice, when you're reacting very quickly to things, when you're feeling agitated, when you're feeling more frustrated than what you want, those are signs. And, really, obviously, prevention helps best. So making sure you have things set up so it's not as frustrating or annoying to you. But also in the moment, catching things as quick as you can because we can spiral and not realize it. And then it is harder to bring ourselves out of it, just like we see that with our kids.

Michele Riechman:
When our kids are spiraled down the tube, it is harder to bring them back to a regulated state.

Anouk:
Yeah. It's easier when we see them starting to be dysregulated or we can see that the earlier sign of whoops, they will get dysregulated soon is definitely easier to catch and to go back. And of course, it's the same for us.

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. Absolutely.

Anouk:
Yeah. And I I will say, like, I I know that for me now now I don't do it as much. But when I was when my my older ones were little, I was yelling very easily when I was dysregulated, like getting in that state of, like, automatically reacting to the kids and not being able to support them or myself in this situation. I think that's the reality for many parents that we basically escalate with our kids when we are dysregulated.

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. And then if we're escalating and yelling, our kids are just gonna get more amped up. Yeah. So there's mirror neurons in our Briere. So that's why if we can be calmer, our kids are more likely to respond to that versus if we're getting amped up, they're gonna get amped up.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Mhmm. So that's the coregulation piece. When we are calm, we can help them be calm just by being calm, basically, and not doing anything else.

Michele Riechman:
Absolutely. And also keep in mind, like, it's not like I'm calm. It's a 100%. My kid is gonna be calm.

Anouk:
Like Of course.

Michele Riechman:
It doesn't quite work like that. So we also need to do that and have patience with it too because I know I am not prone to be patient. But thinking like, okay. I wanna be calm. Like, I can do this. I can start to regulate myself, calm myself. And just really knowing that it's also a process, and it's a process for your child to then learn how to regulate and calm too.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Mhmm. And, like, you you you talk about prevention, basically, so prepping things in advance. And, like, what would be ways to regulate ahead of the moment where everything is hard?

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. So there's everyone's gonna find something different. So try some different things out and really see what works for you. So some people actually need to sort of calm, and so coming into more a calm state. So, like, meditation, yoga, walking, deep breathing, things like that, you might need doses of that throughout the day. Some people need a little bit more pick me up, so they might need some more energizing things. It depends sort of how your brain is wired. So making sure that you have time to do that, making sure that you have time to process your thoughts.

Michele Riechman:
So this would probably be a really huge prevention. So if you keep reacting to your kid about a certain situation, really being able to break down, like, what's happening there? Like, what are your thoughts? Because sometimes we catastrophize. So if our we're worried that our child's gonna end up to be, like, some bad person because they're having meltdowns. And we have to catch those thoughts and catch what's going on and tell ourselves the truth. So especially when there's a situation that repeats itself, maybe it doesn't look exactly the same, but it's that same pattern, really being able to take some time to journal, to work with a coach, talk with a spouse, talk with a friend, and really being able to think it through and see what's happening and notice what your thoughts are, what your feelings are, and also notice sensations you feel in your body. So a lot of times, there's a sensation in our body that we feel first before that emotion and thought start to spiral.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. Like, what you were saying, arch racing or heat or things like that.

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. Or, you know, if we're nervous, we might feel it in our stomach, or sometimes we feel things in our throat. I tend to feel it in my jaw if I'm, like, scared to speak up. I'm more of a quieter person. So starting to notice those body sensations because those are gonna give you a little bit earlier cues, and it really allows you to tune in with your self and your body as you're going forward. So I think those are some great ways to start prevention wise.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Michele Riechman:
And then in the moment, you gotta have some tools too. So Yes. Deep breathing is, like, always my favorite because you can do it anywhere because we're breathing. But it's really becoming intentional and slowing that breath down. Mhmm. So if we think of our breath as we're breathing fast, that's gonna be a more anxious type breath.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Michele Riechman:
So when we start to slow it down and really slow our exhale, we're able to come back to our body better. And I don't know if you guys have seen the hand model for the brain. So you put your thumb in the palm of your hand, and that's like our feeling brain. And if you fold your fingers over your thumb, that is our higher functioning brain. And so when we are dysregulated, we say we flip the lid. This is for our kids, adults. So I have my thumb and my hand. My forefingers are up, and I can't think well.

Anouk:
So you

Michele Riechman:
can't think well. Your kids can't think well when we're dysregulated. So what deep breathing does is it brings that thinking brain back online and allows us to make better choices. And there's different ways to do deep breathing. My favorite 1 to really slow my breath down is to purse my lips and exhale through my lips. But there's lots of different breaths. You can Google it and find some different ones and see what really sits with you so that you have that, in that moment, really quick way to calm yourself, and that's also a great thing for kids to start to pick up on too.

Anouk:
Yes. Yes. Definitely. And doing it in front of them can help them Yeah. Pick on like, they do everything we do, especially the younger ones. So it it's a great example to show how to calm before we react or react in a situation for sure.

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. Absolutely.

Anouk:
And you said and I think I just wanna emphasize that, Like, it's the exhale is longer, which is I think sometimes we when we think about the breath, we will take longer inhales, which is not as as illful. Right?

Michele Riechman:
Right. There is some breathing where the inhale and the exhale are the same, and then there are some different ones where that exhale is longer. Okay. But you definitely don't want that inhale longer.

Anouk:
Okay. That won't do the trick. That won't help calm the nervous system.

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. And, really, when you get that deep belly breath so when you inhale, you want your belly to expand. The last movement should be in your chest and shoulders. We really don't want if we're breathing a lot through our chest, we're not using our diaphragm, which is lower in our stomach. And what happens when we do that deep belly breathing and we're expanding in our stomach and then it sinks in on the exhale is there's a nerve that goes behind the diaphragm, and that helps to calm us. So that is why we wanna do that deep belly breathing, and that is why it helps to calm us too.

Anouk:
Okay. So that's also an important that breathing not because we tend to breathe, like, really at the top of our lung, I would say, and just feel the top. And that's and I can just, like, just saying it. I feel more stressed. Yeah. So, yeah,

Michele Riechman:
this is watch yourself in the mirror. Like, if there's a lot of up and down shoulder movement, the you're more chest breathing.

Anouk:
But if

Michele Riechman:
you really start to focus on it and it takes practice, I remember, like, the first yoga class I went to, it was like, I felt out of breath after 3 deep breaths, like, oh my goodness. Like, what's going on? But it really just takes practice to be able to do the deep belly breathing, but it's such a good tool. So being able to watch that belly rise, you might get a little expansion in the chest at the very end, and then letting it really sink in, blowing out all that air.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Mhmm. And yeah. And it's, so it it it's worth practicing not in the eat of the moment too because if you start when things are really hard, it's diff gonna be difficult.

Michele Riechman:
Yes. And that's why deep breathing is a good prevention strategy and also in the moment. But as with anything, you you have to practice outside the moment.

Anouk:
Mhmm. And is there other things that you could suggest for in the moment, or is the breathing the really most

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. Breathing is great. The other ones are to think about we talked a little bit about 4, but just really notice those thoughts that are popping up in the moment because our subconscious links to just sort of spin out of control, and we're not even aware. So really becoming aware of those thoughts and telling yourself the truth. Because our brain has lots of thoughts and ideas, and a lot of them aren't even true. But we keep living and thinking as if they are true, so really paying attention, to those thoughts. I think, also, sometimes in the moment, if you could, like, pretend like you're looking at yourself in this situation and just being able to step back from it and give yourself a little more perspective, can also help. And sometimes is this idea of energy needs to move.

Michele Riechman:
So especially when we're in a situation where we feel stuck, we feel like we can't change something, is literally getting up, like, going for a power walk. You could do, like, a couple jumps in your house. You can shake your hands and your arms and your legs. It's literally releasing some of that built up energy from your body can be really helpful too, and you can model that to your kids because this happens with our kids too. They need to release that energy, and it's easier for us to see it in them. But just like we said with the breathing, we can start to model this. Okay. I'm feeling and this is where if you tune into your body, you can start to feel that excess energy build up, and it's like, I need to release this.

Michele Riechman:
And we're in such a sedentary anxiety that we're just not doing that as much. So I think that can help. Another thing, yeah, is thinking about what you actually need in this situation. We sort of stay in our worries or situation. We sort of stay in our worries or whatever thoughts, but, like, what do I actually need to help me feel better right now? And asking ourself that question, and I'll then we'll be able to start to really tune in and do what we need to more if we're just asking ourself, like, what do I really

Anouk:
need right now? Yeah. Yeah. And I I would say like that. So mine is often, like, when I get angry, I lose patients and I get dysregulated very easily. And just realizing that it's because I'm hungry, even if I cannot eat right now because I'm not home or anything, just knowing that's why I'm getting cranky, it's it's helpful.

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. Absolutely. Hangry's a real thing for us or our kids, and that Yes. It goes back to the idea of blood sugar balance, which I like to talk about too. But, yeah, when our blood sugar drops, same thing for our kids, is we can't be in that regulated state either because our body is like, I need something quick. I need something quick. So we're not gonna be able to manage frustration or anything in the

Anouk:
moment. Yeah. Yeah. And I have that tendency of leaving and going to get my daughter from preschool. And once and I'm in the car, I'm like, shoot. I should have eaten something before I go because getting out of that preschool is always hard. So

Michele Riechman:
Yeah.

Anouk:
And I always get there hungry. It's clearly a little bit pattern. So, yeah, those those things that repeat themselves, it's something that we can act on in prevention. Like, I should have something in my bag that I could eat in those moments. You know? I don't do it. It's just I should. Yeah. But, yeah, it's it's definitely helpful.

Anouk:
That that was a lot of different ideas. I really love it. Thank you very much for sharing all of that. Is there any specific resource that you love as a parent or as a coach that you would like to share with the listeners?

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. 1 thing I like to use myself is the insight Timer app. So I actually I will teach yoga classes sometimes on there, but so you can go to any, like, live classes for free. They also have lots of recorded tracks of meditation. So and you can put it by minutes. So sometimes I might look up, like, a 2 minute meditation on this or 5 minute because I want those quick ones. So there's, like, a huge library of stuff on there. The app is free.

Michele Riechman:
You can give donations to people, but that's a really great resource. You could put in, like, deep breathing, and you're gonna find different tracks and different teachers that you can do different deep breathing styles with. So it really has a huge free library of stuff.

Anouk:
That's great. Thank you. I love I love that question because I always learn new things. Yeah. I've never heard of that 1, so really love that 1. Thank you. Great. And what if people want more from you, need support, how can they find you?

Michele Riechman:
Yeah. So I have a podcast called Healthy BM 40. So that's a great resource and focusing more on the self care of you, your health. We got blood sugar balance on there, exercise, and really ways to keep it simple. So that is a great, free resource to if you're looking into your health. And you can also find me on my website, just through my name, and I offer personal training and health coaching.

Anouk:
Great. We'll put all those links in the show notes, so people can find it easily. Thank you very much, Michelle, for being here today. Really appreciate it.

Michele Riechman:
And thank you.

Anouk:
I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes that soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments.ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep breath. Keep going. We're all in this together.