046 – Reframing kids who struggle – With Scotti Weintraub

Anouk:
Welcome to the podcast. Today, we will talk Godbout, how to reframe looking at a child to struggle, which is a very, very deep and important subject. And to do that, we have a guest. Scottie is coming with us to talk about that. So let's get to it and welcome Scottie over on the podcast. Welcome to Parenting the Intense. Where we'll talk all about how we can drop the general parenting advice, that doesn't work with our emotionally intense kids anyway, and let go of the unrealistic expectations society puts on us as parents. Together, we'll find solutions and ideas that work for you and your kids.

Anouk:
Chances are deep down you know what they need. But you need a little encouragement to keep going on other days and permission to do things differently and help you fully trust that you already are a wonderful parent to your exceptional but challenging kid. Are you tired of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain when it comes to parenting your emotionally intense child? Do you often find yourself playing with guilt, fearing that you're not doing enough to help them navigate their intense emotion? You are not alone. Many parents face these challenges and struggle to find the right path forward. But take a deep Briere, there's hope. That's why I created the parenting the intensity community. Imagine having a clear roadmap tailored specifically to your child's unique needs and your family's reality. Picture feeling empowered and confident in your parenting knowing that you are providing the support and understanding your child needs.

Anouk:
It may seem like an untenable dream right now, but I'm here to tell you that it is within reach. Come join us for our monthly group support to connect with other parents and get supported with your challenge right now. You also get 1 on 1 chat and audio office hours for the things that you're really not ready to share in the group, and workshop tools, courses to help you in the process of finding that balance of parenting in a way that works for you, your child, and your family. So welcome to the podcast. Welcome, Scotty. I'm really glad to have you over.

Scotti:
Thanks for having me.

Anouk:
So can you start by introducing yourself and telling us a bit about why you do what you do.

Scotti:
Sure. I'm Scottie Weintraub, and I'm the founder of Reframe Parenting. And I'm also the mom of 2 teens. And when my oldest was entering school, we we quickly realized that that it wasn't gonna be a very smooth ride for us. And we really struggled, and I spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure out how best to support him in school when it felt like nothing was working and everyone kept looking at me for information. I was just a parent.

Anouk:
Yes.

Scotti:
I needed support too, and I just didn't find what I needed. Mhmm. So through years of figuring it out and white knuckling it myself, I started sort of casually helping friends and their friends and realize that there's this enormous need for parents to

Anouk:
be able

Scotti:
to find resources and information and help plan a strategy for how to support your kids in school. So I launched Reframe Parenting, with this intention to really help parents figure out how the heck they can support their kids at school.

Anouk:
Yeah. I think that's really, really needed

Scotti:
Thank you.

Anouk:
From personal experience and from so many clients and friends and, yeah, so many people I know that are struggling to to find how Godbout their kids in school because, I mean, we're not there. Exactly. And we're not most of us are not teachers. So it's hard

Scotti:
to teachers. And I actually will tell you that most teachers that I talk to even when it's your kid, it's different.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah.

Scotti:
And so it's just a different dynamic. And I think parents deserve and desperately need more support Yes. In helping their kids succeed.

Anouk:
Yeah. Definitely. And school is a big, big one. A very big part. Like, it's it's almost it's most time of the school year where it's, like, they're in school.

Scotti:
Right. And for many, many years.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yes.

Scotti:
And sometimes the and sometimes the problems that start small when they're early in elementary school can get bigger if we don't really

Anouk:
Yes. Hear that now. Definitely. Yeah. Experience that too. So, we will be doing a 2 2 episodes, together because we have different topics to discuss. So today we will start with, 4 ways to change our thinking about kids who struggle. And I really love that idea because we some like, we often or almost always.

Anouk:
I don't love using always, but I think in this instance, it's pretty much the case. We have a tendency to focus on the struggle. Like the human brain is wired that way. So it's very hard to reframe that. So I really love that topic. So, how how would you do that?

Scotti:
Well, I'll just say that I started my business with this name, reframe parenting, with this kind of clear idea that if we think about our kids and their chug challenges in slightly different ways, if we kind of reframe the way we look at them, then it allows us to, open doors instead of closing them. So we can think about things differently. We can maybe have a more open mind, and that helps us be more successful. So that's why I named my business reframe parenting, and it's also sort of this, you know, key concept that I talked about. Like, how are we gonna reframe the way we see our kids?

Anouk:
Mhmm. And

Scotti:
so I have a couple of ones that I like to talk about. The first being that we are not our kids. And I know this sounds kind of obvious, and I don't mean it. I absolutely don't mean it to sound, snarky either. Just it's when you're struggling with your child or something's happening that you're not sure how to deal with, it's really easy to fall back into your own experiences Mhmm. As a as a child, as a student. Mhmm. And when we get stuck in that place of, well, why can't they just get their homework done? I was able to get my homework done.

Scotti:
Mhmm. Like, they need to just

Anouk:
walk them down. Yeah. Or or for some parents, it's the opposite. Like, they like, some parents struggle themselves in school, and then you can feel your own experience as a child who struggle, I'm guessing.

Scotti:
Right. And then you just, you're not able to see the full picture because you're Mhmm. Too trapped in the the emotions of, like, oh, I know how that feels, and it feels really not good.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah.

Scotti:
So I think if we get too trapped in those, like, where our kids' experiences, then we don't you know, we're not actually able to see what actually is going on. Mhmm. We can't take that, you know, proverbial step back.

Anouk:
Yes. Yes. And we

Scotti:
kind of look with some more perspective, which is hard as

Anouk:
a parent. Definitely.

Scotti:
In the middle of everything.

Anouk:
Yeah. And it's very emotional. And when we see them, they might be sad or they might be angry or and it is it gets to us as parents, of course.

Scotti:
Right. Right. And kind of along with that, is that the more that we learn Godbout ourselves, the better we can support them. And I've had parents say to me, oh, I didn't realize that I was gonna have to do work on myself. And that feels really hard. Right? Like, no one wants to say, like and and I also don't mean to say that, you know, we're the source or the cause of any of the challenges our kids because

Anouk:
I absolutely don't believe that. No.

Scotti:
But how we response to them Mhmm. Is is our work. Right? Yeah. How, and I know you talk a lot about this because you you talk a lot about staying calm. Right?

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
And in these challenging situations. And if we can't do that ourselves, then we can't be our best advocate

Anouk:
for a child. It's so hard. I mean, it's it's supposed to be that simple thing. Just stay calm. But the justice is it should not be there.

Scotti:
Sounds really easy, doesn't it?

Anouk:
Yes. That's it's so not easy.

Scotti:
I I don't know. Maybe you have more tricks or tips around that particular thing, but, I think that it's just hard sometimes.

Anouk:
Yes.

Scotti:
But it also like, admitting that I need to to work on this myself, actually, I I think it's challenging, but it's also a little freeing. Like, oh, I can try to do something myself. I didn't don't have to expect all the work to be from them.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Yeah. And you have control on what you do much less on what they do.

Scotti:
Yeah. Well, as you know, as a parent, we have very little control over over our kids. Yes. Right? And sometimes that feels very, very difficult.

Anouk:
Mhmm. For sure. Yeah. And in in cool, it's even worse because we have basically zero control of what's happening.

Scotti:
Right. And it's, it's not just that we don't have Anouk control as you mentioned before. It's that we are not there. Right? So when we're not there, it leaves us really very much in the dark. Mhmm. So we we don't know the schedule. We don't know what the expectations are. As your kids get older too, there are multiple teachers that you're dealing with.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
And with that, it gets tricky too because it's communicating with a whole bunch of different people.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
And they all have very different, you know, styles and expectations. And they we can't just work with 1 individual teacher like you can when our kids are younger.

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. It's it's it's much more

Scotti:
burden out.

Anouk:
Right? Much more complicated. Right. Okay. So you were saying, like, the first basically is to realize that we need to work on ourself. Would it you'd say that's the first reframe?

Scotti:
Well, I don't know if we need to, put them in any particular order. I just think it's it's an easy place to start. Yeah. You know? If you're feeling, like, overwhelmed, if you're feeling like I have no idea what to do Mhmm. Starting looking at what you can do for yourself is is somewhere to begin.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Mhmm. And what would be the others?

Scotti:
Well, I mean, we just talked about the not your kid. We're not oh, excuse me. Yes. We are not our kids.

Anouk:
Yep.

Scotti:
Right? So that one also does a little bit of, like, the internal work

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
Of figuring out how we can be have the most perspective, have a clear head, be the best, you know, that we can be for our kids.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Yeah. And understanding their per perspective of the situation instead of placing Yeah. Hours.

Scotti:
Yes. Well and this is a tricky one too because, it's as you know, kids are not always the best at gauging, you know, what's happening for them.

Anouk:
Yes.

Scotti:
And that's, you know, that's a developmental thing.

Anouk:
Yeah. It's just normal.

Scotti:
Yeah. That's a normal thing, but it's a frustrating thing as a parent

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
To not be able to know what's happening is, is really, really challenging. So I like to tell people that, curiosity is our friend. So this is another one of my reframes Mhmm. That if we lead with curiosity and we approach our kids' struggles with a sense of, I I wonder what's happening. And that's actually my favorite phrase. I wonder. Because if we start with I wonder, it takes all of the weight out of it. Right? Like, all of the Yeah.

Scotti:
The the burden or the judgment. It's just a casual inquiry. Mhmm. Mhmm. Wonder what's happening with that. You know, if, for instance, your child is not turning in their schoolwork, you know, you might turn that into, I wonder what's happening with him. I wonder why he's not turning in his homework. Rather than jumping first to judgment, why can't he turn his homework in?

Anouk:
Yeah. Yeah. The wonder and the why are wildly deference. They're rightly.

Scotti:
Right. So we're we're just leaving more room for us to gather information. Mhmm. So we're not we're not coming at everything from a judgment place. We're saying, like, okay. We're just gonna dig down and see what's happening.

Anouk:
Yeah. I often use yeah. I often use the term, like, saying playing detective with what's happening. So it's the same concept. Yeah. Definitely.

Scotti:
Yes. Yeah. It's getting at the and I know you're on the same page with me on this too. That's like, what's behind the behavior? Yeah. And, it's and at school, it's why aren't they able to meet this expectation? Mhmm. Why are they getting distracted? Mhmm. Why are they having a hard time staying on top of all of their assignments. Mhmm.

Scotti:
You know? So rather than leading with the punishment or the the judgment, we can just get curious. And then in that way, we are opening up a conversation with the teacher for sure because we're not coming at it, like, with guns blazing and saying, like, oh my goodness. My kid is so far behind, and I don't know what to do. You know,

Anouk:
we're coming

Scotti:
at it from a like, oh, well, what are you seeing happening?

Anouk:
Yeah.

Scotti:
Okay. Let's talk about that.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
And then it it then it opens you up to collaboration.

Anouk:
Yeah. Definitely. More than if you go in and accuse of something. The the teacher is not gonna be open for much collaboration.

Scotti:
No. No. No one likes to be accused of things right after that. Right? Like, no matter what your no matter what your relationship is. Everyone wants to feel like, oh, you're coming to me, you know, with kindness, with openness. And I think it's true too in talking with your kids.

Anouk:
Yeah. So it it's it applies to everyone, basically. Mhmm.

Scotti:
And then the the other one that I think is really important is that whatever is going on with our kids, whether that's challenges in school, challenges at home, and or if they're behavioral or they're having mental health struggles, whatever that is is not a reflection on us and our.

Anouk:
That's a big one.

Scotti:
It's a huge one. And I wish I would say I wish I could put it on a billboard because it's so important, and everybody needs to hear it.

Anouk:
Yes.

Scotti:
When you have a kid who's struggling, it feels as if everyone else's kids are not struggling. Mhmm. It feels as if you're the only one as if somehow you did something wrong.

Anouk:
Yeah.

Scotti:
And that's just simply not true.

Anouk:
Yeah. The guilt is all encompassing. It's so present, and the judgment is coming so often too. So it's it it adds on the guilt.

Scotti:
Yeah. And we live in this time where, you know, people are putting up their perfect family life on Instagram, and,

Anouk:
it's it's hard to deal with us.

Scotti:
And not and to feel like, oh, I can't even get my kid to turn in their homework, but yet everybody else's kids are, you know, on the honor roll. But it's that's not actually true.

Anouk:
No. It's not. It it just feels that way because people that are struggling on that posting that most of the time.

Scotti:
Right. Right. Or they're too busy trying to deal with what's happening to have any time

Anouk:
to deal with it. Yes. If if that's true. And it's not something and and for the child's privacy too. I mean, you don't Oh, absolutely. Like, it's that is a completely other topic. But some kids have their entire life on social, and it will be a challenge when they get older for sure. It will.

Anouk:
So it's okay to not share, but it makes It

Scotti:
certainly will be.

Anouk:
Yeah. But it makes it for that we see mostly what's going well. Because people don't wanna share what's for many reasons, we don't share what's going not so well. So, yeah, it it definitely feel isolating.

Scotti:
And also that those and for those kids too, it can be isolating. I mean, it certainly is for parents. But I always think about the fact that kids who are neurodiverse or kids who have a hard time in school, they get so much negative feedback.

Anouk:
Yes.

Scotti:
It's just constant. You know? And so if, you know, part of that, like, reframing how we interact with the those challenges and and with those situations also reminds us that we don't wanna feed into that negativity for our kids. Mhmm. Mhmm. So if we can focus on what are some of their strengths and building those strengths or focus on helping them, you know, find opportunities to gain self esteem and activities that are better suited for them or settings where they can shine.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
I think that helps negate some of that. Yeah. Because there's just it's a lot.

Anouk:
Yeah. And the the same way that we might feel it's a reflection on our parenting, They feel they're bad most of the time. That they're it's they've been told so many times that they are not doing the right thing, that they feel that they are the problem. Yeah. Absolutely. And it's

Scotti:
and I don't, as a parent, want to be contributing to that. Mhmm. And so I try hard. I mean, no one is perfect. I'm just so much included. And but if at least if we can have it, like, in the front of our brain and think, okay. I'm gonna try to see the positive in this situation. I'm gonna try to ask those questions instead of leading with judgment.

Scotti:
That just makes those interactions actually with your kid. It it takes some of that weight off of those too.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Yeah.

Scotti:
And not everything has to be a conflict. Like, you can work together with them. Even with young kids, you can work together with them

Anouk:
Yeah.

Scotti:
To find a solution to figure out what's going on, and it doesn't have to always be, you know, a a battle.

Anouk:
No. And it's so much more, not necessarily easier, but, like, it's so much more positive to do that with them instead of trying to solve the problem by ourselves. Because sometimes we're even if we are curious, we might be running around in circle and not really finding what to do or what's happening or Right.

Scotti:
Yeah. And we don't wanna be unsuccessful as parents. That's that's

Anouk:
not feel good.

Scotti:
So the more that we, I think, can try to set ourselves up for success also sets them up for success.

Anouk:
Definitely. Yeah. And and the fact that we feel it's our fault makes it that often we don't have the we feel we have no control. We feel kind of powerless in in this situation, and that is a control that we have. Like, being able to give our kids some confidence and some positive feedback is something that we can do. So it's great to have some, like, actionable things we can do.

Scotti:
Right. Yeah. I this parenting thing is is never easy.

Anouk:
No.

Scotti:
Yes. So I agree with you. But I think that the intent of these reframes is to help just help people take a step back and say, okay. Deep breath. What's going on here? That's not I'm not gonna take it on personally, but we're gonna look at it from, you know, and then a detective

Anouk:
Yes.

Scotti:
That's on or, with more of an, analyzing of what the situation is. And then from there, you know, we can start strategizing Godbout, okay. Well, what's our next step then?

Anouk:
Mhmm. And I think that ties really well to the first one that you were saying. It's not us. It's our kids. We're it's a different person. Because if you don't take that step back, you're too personally involved and you cannot reflect or analyze the situation with maybe less, a calmer ad, I would say. Like, it's it's easier.

Scotti:
Yeah. And and it brings up a lot of stuff for people around how they were parented or what that, you know, those as we talked Godbout, the the societal pressures of how we're supposed to do things, which I think can feel really strong.

Anouk:
Yes.

Scotti:
And so coming up against all of that, if you can just take a deep breath and say, okay. What is our biggest goal? Right? This is what I often say. Like, what is our big goal? Our big goal in all of this at school or at home is to, you know, bring our kids through their childhood and onto the other side as healthy, critical thinking

Anouk:
adults. Mhmm.

Scotti:
So how do we help them be their best selves on the other side of their childhood? It's something I keep, you know, especially because I have a kid. My oldest just turned 18. So I'm very much thinking about this.

Anouk:
For sure.

Scotti:
That is our bigger goal. Right? Our goal is not to make them into mini me's.

Anouk:
No. No. We want them

Scotti:
to succeed and thrive for who they are.

Anouk:
Yes. Definitely. And sometimes it's hard to to take that step back. And and especially because we all have dreams for what our kids would be doing. And so often, that's not not happening, especially with Emotionally intense kids. Their path is gonna be wildly different.

Scotti:
Yes. And I think in school in particular is a really sensitive place for parents because Yeah. We all have these dreams. And I spoke to a parent not too long ago, but I have this dream for my child to to go, you know, to do these high achieving things and go to, you know, major university. And while I'm not saying we shouldn't push our kids to be successful a little, but I think there's a balance Yeah. Between who is your child. Like, who are they really?

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
You know? Are they wanting to do those things?

Anouk:
Yes.

Scotti:
Are they capable of doing those things? Are they even does that even make sense for where they are now? Mhmm. Yeah.

Anouk:
So And they can succeed in a different way.

Scotti:
Yes. Yes. So that's the being open. Right? The reframing. Like, maybe their future is gonna look different than I expect. Maybe their schooling is gonna look not like the honor roll in all AP classes, and that's okay.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Doesn't mean they cannot be happy and functioning adult.

Scotti:
Right. Right. They can be a happy functioning adult, who knows how their brain works, who has seeks out, you know, experiences that are interesting for them and, you know, builds a life that is theirs.

Anouk:
Mhmm. Yeah. And yeah. And it's it's also a part of their reframe, I would say, to see, like, seeing that they will do something different.

Scotti:
Right.

Anouk:
Yeah. So can you recap for us the 4 reframe before we we finish?

Scotti:
Sure. One is they were not our kids. Mhmm. And if we can, you know, keep that in mind, it helps us really see them for who they are. Second one was that we the more we learn, and grow ourselves, the better able we are to help them do the same.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
The third one was, leading with curiosity and asking those I wonder questions to kind of be a detective and figure out what's happening instead of just reacting. And, the 4th and important one is that whatever kids' struggles are are not a reflection of us as parents.

Anouk:
Yes. Yes. So thank you for summing that up. Oh, you're welcome. So if, parents want more support with their relation with the school that their kids is going to, where can they find you?

Scotti:
Yes. Well, they can find me. My website is just reframeparenting.com. And, you can also find me on Instagram at reframe parenting. And I also answer all my own emails. I'm a one person shop. So if you wanna just drop me a note, I'm happy to respond there too. It's just [email protected].

Anouk:
Great. Great. So thank you very much for, for that. And is there a resource that is not yours that you would like to share with the listeners?

Scotti:
Well, just because we were speaking about this idea of figuring out what's underneath the behavior.

Anouk:
Mhmm.

Scotti:
I think if folks don't know about doctor Ross Greene Yeah. He changed the way I saw myself as parent and the way I saw my kids. And his work, I think, his, website is lives in the balance. Mhmm. Is just fundamental to this idea that behavior is communication.

Anouk:
Yeah.

Scotti:
And kids do well when they can. So I always recommend his stuff.

Anouk:
Yes. Definitely. Goodwin. I I think you're but, surprisingly, I think you're only the second guest to talk about drawstring.

Scotti:
Oh, okay. Well,

Anouk:
I'm not going to get that. People to talk about that, but but and and it's interesting because you're talking about his website, and I think the other one talked about the book. So

Scotti:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, his books are also excellent. I particularly with regards to school, I think his Lost at School book is really, really good. And, I have even given it to teachers and administrators. It sort of talks Godbout, well, what happens when we don't address these things going on with kids, and they fall through the cracks. And that's not what we want.

Anouk:
No. That's really great. I I didn't know that book, you see. So that's great.

Scotti:
Great.

Anouk:
Thank you for adding that. So thank you very much for being here.

Scotti:
You're very welcome. Thanks for having me.

Anouk:
I'm so glad you joined me today and took that time out of your intense life to focus on finding a new way to parent that works for you and your kids. To get the episodes at Soon as they drop, make sure to subscribe to the podcast. And please leave everything in review so other parents can find it too. Too. Also, check out all the free resources on my website at familymoments. Ca so you can take action on what's the most important for you right now. And take a deep Briere. Keep going.

Anouk:
Weire all in this together.